Venting I can´t even look at myself

[scriptedsad]

I can't take care of my hygiene; I've been in a deep depression for months, and it prevents me from even getting up to shower. My mom is really bothered by this, even though she has been supporting me throughout my therapeutic process. She can't stand that I don't shower, and I get into the shower and cry because of the pain of feeling my own body; I can't take it anymore. Every time I go to shower, it means facing myself more, and it disgusts me so much that I can go days and days without showering. I can't bear the pressure and the pain of having to tolerate myself; I feel unpleasant and I don't deserve to face the world with this body, being who I am. What troubles me the most is how much it worries my family, and they tell me every day, as if they are adding more weight to all my pain. I don't know what to do anymore.

 

[[G]]

The Mirror is our greatest enemy; I sometimes wish I didn't have a physical form, or at least be able to detach from it for a while.
I've never really been satisfied with my body either.. I'm sorry you're going through this, I know how awful it is to feel like a burden to your family as well.

I hope you get through this.

 

[Michelstaedter]

I was talking about how for over six years I had serious self-esteem issues, to the point where I couldn't see my reflection, whether in mirrors or anything that reflected my face. I felt bad looking at myself. I felt scared, anxious, and startled. But it's not like I felt disgusted with myself, but rather a rejection, something strange. I suppose because I suffered bullying throughout high school and because it ultimately caused a deep wound in me that made me not accept myself.
I don't know what your case is for not accepting yourself, but I suppose it's the fact that this is what we're meant to be. Sometimes I see people with deformities or serious illnesses that make their bodies look horrible, but it is what it is; sadly, it's the vehicle of our suffering. Everything would be easier if we were air, because as such, we would adapt to an environment without needing to suffer for our bodies, regardless of whether or not it's aesthetically beautiful.

 

[Slark]

I understand you. I've also had difficult times, where I didn't even have the strength to shower. Have you tried hospitalization? I was hospitalized once, and I even found the experience positive, but my health insurance only covered 30 days of hospitalization. Maybe hospitalization could be a good option. I hope you get well and are happy.

I can't take care of my hygiene; I've been in a deep depression for months, and it prevents me from even getting up to shower. My mom is really bothered by this, even though she has been supporting me throughout my therapeutic process. She can't stand that I don't shower, and I get into the shower and cry because of the pain of feeling my own body; I can't take it anymore. Every time I go to shower, it means facing myself more, and it disgusts me so much that I can go days and days without showering. I can't bear the pressure and the pain of having to tolerate myself; I feel unpleasant and I don't deserve to face the world with this body, being who I am. What troubles me the most is how much it worries my family, and they tell me every day, as if they are adding more weight to all my pain. I don't know what to do anymore.

 

[flightless bird]

I feel unpleasant and I don't deserve to face the world with this body, being who I am.

may i ask what's wrong with your body? and whatever it is, is there nothing that can be done?

 

[lofticries]

As someone who had this problem for almost 5 years(mine was ed related). Please, please,please. At least take care of your teeth.

 

[Thunderstorm]

As someone who had this problem for almost 5 years(mine was ed related). Please, please,please. At least take care of your teeth.

I almost havent looked at my teeth for probably a decade

 

[dreamsofhome]

The Mirror is our greatest enemy; I sometimes wish I didn't have a physical form, or at least be able to detach from it for a while.
I've never really been satisfied with my body either.. I'm sorry you're going through this, I know how awful it is to feel like a burden to your family as well.

I hope you get through this.

God, I feel the same way about wishing to not have a physical form. I often think about how nice it would feel to not be perceived by anyone, including myself. To exist as something more than a brain controlling a stupid meat suit.
I hate that any of us have to relate, but it's always comforting to not feel alone.

 

[[G]]

God, I feel the same way about wishing to not have a physical form. I often think about how nice it would feel to not be perceived by anyone, including myself. To exist as something more than a brain controlling a stupid meat suit.
I hate that any of us have to relate, but it's always comforting to not feel alone.

Yeah, I don't like the feeling of being perceived by others either; I wish there was a 'spectator' mode or a way I could simply observe life without restraints and without my physical presence influencing it.

You're right, it does feel a little better knowing others relate too.

 

[katara]

I was talking about how for over six years I had serious self-esteem issues, to the point where I couldn't see my reflection, whether in mirrors or anything that reflected my face. I felt bad looking at myself. I felt scared, anxious, and startled. But it's not like I felt disgusted with myself, but rather a rejection, something strange. I suppose because I suffered bullying throughout high school and because it ultimately caused a deep wound in me that made me not accept myself.
I don't know what your case is for not accepting yourself, but I suppose it's the fact that this is what we're meant to be. Sometimes I see people with deformities or serious illnesses that make their bodies look horrible, but it is what it is; sadly, it's the vehicle of our suffering. Everything would be easier if we were air, because as such, we would adapt to an environment without needing to suffer for our bodies, regardless of whether or not it's aesthetically beautiful.

So many ppl don't understand what it's like having REAL low self esteem bc wow I felt a lot of this. This is the pain of what it's like. I hate myself, I hate where I live, I hate that I never got to graduate high school. I can't explain how I feel but u really nailed it I could really feel what u typed.