I become more and more bitter and resentful

[noname223]

I am kind of scared I am in my mid twenties. I have become really biter, resentful and isolationist. I have suicidal thoughts since roundabout 9 years. I have got so many issues so many of them seem to be pretty unsolvable. The process of becoming this bitter is pretty rapid. It is kind of extreme and I don't know what level it will be when I am twenty years older.
I cannot listen to stories about other people lives. I live in this misery and everywhere I go I see other people with things I desire. I will live in poverty, no partner, a lot of side effects of my medication and a fucked up brain.
I am very very unhapyy about my life. However the worst is yet to come and it is going to be a huge fuck up. I am not that scared I won't ctb because many developments will drive me into suicide.
It kind of comforts me to know that I am not alone in this hell. I am really grateful to this community. I feel kind of stupid not having killed me during my last depressive episodes but I wanted to fight. Though real recovery is a fairy tale for me. I wish I could manage to get better and solve my problems. But my last 6 attempts all failed miserably.
I am so sad about this development. I did not choose to get mistreated or severly bullied as a child. It follows me almost every night in my nightmares. It is all so hopeless and I can nothing do about it.
I get too emotional when I think about it. I sometimes envy people who can be cold and accept how things have turned out.

 

[FuneralCry]

It can be depressing to see others have the things that we lack. I'm sorry you are suffering and that recovery did not work out, I can imagine it must be a hopeless feeling. Life just is so unfair. I wish you the best.

 

[PSYCHO_METAL_X]

It can be depressing to see others have the things that we lack. I'm sorry you are suffering and that recovery did not work out, I can imagine it must be a hopeless feeling. Life just is so unfair. I wish you the best.

You're a pillar of this community

 

[TheHatedOne]

We are similar as I also became really bitter, sour, resentful and even harsh and aggressive. I feel as if I've seen everything in life and I'm absolutely drained but I'm only 20. I'm scared of what I will become when I reach 30 (hopefully I won't).

I envy almost everyone else because they seem to have everything in life and they are so shielded from all the fucked up things that for us are reality. We don't deserve this man. Why should we suffer non stop and be handed the shitty card in life while others have lives full of sunshine and rainbows?

I'm really sorry for what you experienced and about the bullying and the mistreatment you went through. Bullying should be made illegal.

I wish I could say more but I have no idea myself. I hope things get better for you.

Sending you hugs and kind regards.

 

[demuic]

I relate 100%. It makes me want to go even more because the bitterness is so strong and gets stronger everyday. I can only see the evil in most people and things and don't want to associate with the world. Other people make me sick. I am resentful that everything has been stacked against me and I had no chance and no choice.