Help I am unforgiven. Is it my obligation to catch the bus?

[Aphid]

(Background for context)

When I was younger I was a mess. I was around 15 and I was extremely sexual because of previous sexual trauma I had experienced when I was 8 or so. We had discussed it, and she said yes, we did things. Then years later in highschool, she approached me and said I had assaulted her. Now even after reading the texts and everything, that obviously said that we were okay, she said she felt forced or pressured, and every day since then, I've wanted to die. I had wanted to die previously for multiple different reasons but that is when I began taking it seriously.

In the years since then I've attempted multiple times, I've began to romanticize my death. I reached out to those I've harmed and I made amends with all of them. Except that person.

I apologize for the extensive backstory, but it just leads to this,

I feel I am morally obligated to commit suicide. I've worked it out in my head, even if im innocent or guilty it doesn't matter. I deserve and have deserved death all my life. I've deserved this.


But is that true? Therapy hasn't helped me get over it and honestly my hands feel stained forever. Either I catch the bus or I continue to live life suffering around these thoughts that I am a monster. That despite years of improvement, I am a monster and I will never be forgiven. That I am always guilty.
I am sick of living like this.
Also im sorry if this post is out of line in any way, im new and i dont know quite the fomat yet, i hope this post is alright

 

[ilovenewyork]

How old was she? Were you convicted?

I think since you were so young it is forgivable. Life doesn't come with a manual and not everyone gets a sex education. But, how you'll get on in life depends on if you have a record for it.

You aren't obligated to ctb no.

 

[Aphid]

same age as me. i think about it every day, there was no conviction because there was 0 evidence supporting her claim, as the texts were all consenting but,
it doesn't matter.

the bottom line is if i made someone feel like that i feel that i need to die. it's all i can think about when i sleep. when I wake up. in quiet moments. with loved ones and friends.

 

[certified_idiot]

There's no reason anyone would be obligated to kill themselves, even if they were objectively horrible.

You don't even know if this person wants you to die. If you are going to kill yourself, you want it to be for yourself.

 

[if_i_make_it]

2 things can be true: you did everything "right", and she still walked away feeling violated. That is something at a minimum you have to just accept and move on with, assuming you're presenting the situation accurately. You were both young and its a scary and confusing thing to navigate.

Nobody has any obligation ever to ctb. It's *your* life and you get to decide how you live it, your past doesn't dictate that nor do other people.

 

[ilovenewyork]

You just need to forgive yourself and move on with your life. These experiences are very common.

 

[inconclusivesorbet]

Was in a similar situation at that age....it still haunts me and adds to how I want to ctb but you can give your time to being reformed and understanding consent better just be cautious and courteous. You can do better and be good.

 

[Aphid]

Was in a similar situation at that age....it still haunts me and adds to how I want to ctb but you can give your time to being reformed and understanding consent better just be cautious and courteous. You can do better and be good.

The fucked up thing is every hun I've done to change as a person, to my mind it's like I haven't changed at all, everything I've done to better myself doesn't lessen the pain and it sometimes just makes it worse

 

[rest2love]

You did a super bad fucking thing, and I've had people in my life do similar thigns to me. You need to try to make amends, have you tried to make amends yet ? Well, you don't need to , but i'd prefer you dso that than kiling yourself.

The fucked up thing is every hun I've done to change as a person, to my mind it's like I haven't changed at all, everything I've done to better myself doesn't lessen the pain and it sometimes just makes it wors

 

[Aphid]

You did a super bad fucking thing, and I've had people in my life do similar thigns to me. You need to try to make amends, have you tried to make amends yet ? Well, you don't need to , but i'd prefer you dso that than kiling yourself.

I have tried numerous times, I've been assaulted as well multiple times in my life, and I, I don't know I just feel like a monster every day and I don't want to live like this anymore

 

[rest2love]

I have tried numerous times, I've been assaulted as well multiple times in my life, and I, I don't know I just feel like a monster every day and I don't want to live like this anymore

You want to chat with me dude? You're not the type of person who should end it, I guarantee you. If the reason is that you want to end it because you hurt someone else, and not because you yourself would hurt. You need to be honest here, you really do. Do you think the person you assaulted would want you to die ? Be 100% honest here.

 

[ilovenewyork]

the bottom line is if i made someone feel like that i feel that i need to die.

It doesn't really matter how you made her feel. If you did in fact rape her then that's something else. But ctb isn't the answer

Why don't you move somewhere else if her friends are assaulting you? In the eyes of society you didn't commit any crime. Start over.

 

[persistentheartache]

you were a traumatized teenager who didn't choose to make anyone feel pressured or uncomfortable. you received consent, were told things were fine, and have been trying to make up for it. there isn't anything about the situation that makes you sound like a bad guy to me

I don't want to minimize her experience at all but it sounds like she made a choice in the moment she later realized she was uncomfortable with. That in itself can be traumatizing and that's not her fault either. but for you to feel like you raped someone for not knowing she might change her mind when you couldn't have known better is ridiculous.

I know all of this is really taboo, but you were a victim as well. getting assaulted multiple times, then being told that you're like your abusers is super fucked up. you aren't like them. I hope you and everyone else on this thread can understand that. I don't think beating yourself up or validating this guilt is helpful. it's sad yes but the level to which this has affected you isn't right imo

 

[LastDayOnEarth]

It's never really an obligation to ctb, the bus will always be there but so is your life. But i know in your situation you feel trapped. Wbatever happens i hope you find peace

 

[WaffleCat]

First you were 15 and second she consented. You were both under-aged and your brains weren't fully developed. This just seems ridiculous, you definitely don't deserve to die.

 

[persistentheartache]

as an aside, it's really not uncommon for sexual assault survivors to become hypersexual or develop paraphilias. the idea that all victims of assault become asexual or avoidant towards intimacy isn't true.

I don't think it's fair to the victims who do become hypersexual to feel ashamed or persecuted for something they didn't choose the same way victims who become averse to sex don't choose that either.

I'm saying this bc I'd like to convey that you're not a monster. at all. you sound like you have a strong ethical/moral conviction to not cause others harm.

it's cooler if you're able to internalize that it was an unfortunate situation neither of you predicted and to keep growing. you can do it! be patient

 

[elenaboo25]

There is no obligation to ctb. For anyone, no matter what they did.

I know people often say that for example pedophiles should go ctb, but I don't think those people who say that actually mean it, if they were to stop and think about it in detail.

If you decide to ctb, it should be your decision only. Not because of any obligation towards anybody, for any reason.

 

[SoverignDreamer97]

Two things my former boss told me:

1) "You can't please everyone; control the things you can control."

2) "If you feel guilty and worry about not being a good person, then it's a sign that you are a good person, and don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise; bad people don't think about such things, and instead justify themselves and their actions as righteous."

 

[Aphid]

thank you all for your kind support. it's something that eats me alive a lot, although it's not the last of my problems haha,
Thank you,

 

[Aphid]

I was involved in sexual stuff since a very young age i feel like those are curses that are passed unto us my grandpa and my previous generations were used to be like that and well i as well was assaulted in kinder garden by another dude in my class that i never told anyone about until now that im grown and so on i went to do shit as well i never touched anyone directly to sexually assault them but i was involved in sexual stuff as a kid that i from like 5 years old till like 14 years old now im 26 and i know a kid shouldnt had been involved in these kind of things i feel bad everyday as well but nobody is perfect dude let it go and forgive yourself dont let it define you

I'm incredibly sorry to hear that. It's not pleasant and it follows you for life. ive realized it may be the way often social media represents people like me and my own personal experiences. I consistently see individuals who are already depressed and horribly guilty get dragged over and over and over and wished death upon them. It may just be the feeling that if I haven't done it yet I need to do everyone a favor.