Well where do I fucking begin?
I never just fell off one day. I wasnt happy or content at any point of my life. I was always a weird kid who never spoke to anyone, not even my parents. I would be taken to therapists and specialists everywhere as a young kid and theyd literally give up because i wouldnt talk. i was put on several useless medications that never did anything. In first grade at this cringy private bible school they had gotten me to start talking to classmates and making friends but still I rarely talked to adults. That spree of talking would only last until 6th grade when everyone started making fun of my lisp. Slowly but surely from there I would revert back to my original state of being almost completely mute. By junior year I never spoke unless spoken too and my replies were usually one word.
My whole life I've lived in near complete isolation out in the country. This ensured I would never get to make friends or hang out with anyone the way kids in towns and cities did. Add this factor on to the fact Im already terrified of social interaction and you get a recipe for disaster. To this day I still live in the same house, isolated from everyone and basically unknown to them. Since I never had a chance to have actual friends I turned to Runescape when i was around 9. Let me just say that game consumed my life and it became my life. I blame much of my inability to talk to people on that game.
My dad died when I was 13, and i feel like he was the only one who at least tried to be understanding of my problems. That was a pretty rough time. Now my mother has kept me deep in this pit basically my whole life. She has always been critical of my every mistake and made me feel horrible about myself. She made me hate myself over the years more than any bully could.
This is getting pretty long so I gotta wrap it up. My daily life consists of being locked up in my room wanting to die. I live the most undignified life imaginable. I have never had a real job and im almost 23. All i do is run chores around the yard for my mom and run errands for my brother who dumps all his responsibilities on everyone else. The only value anyone sees in me is to perform menial chores. Thats all im good for. and thats the only time anyone wants anything to do with me. I dont really care much about my family and absolutely dont care if they have to find my body.
I am ugly and scrawny. Ive never had a girlfriend or so much as had someone like me. Add sexual frustration onto the endless list of shit thats wrong with me. I eat upwards of one meal a day because my mom never cooks, so i feel like shit most of every day from hunger pains and a feeling of dizziness. I hardly even bother try talking to people anymore as they always abandon me in the end. The only long distance friends i had over facebook i quit speaking to because im sick of hearing about their perfect little lives with their friends and boyfriend.
How do you go on living when literally nothing feels alright? I hate myself so much. I cant stand to look myself in the mirror when i brush my teeth. And I give up on everything because i dont deserve the chance. Recently I started 3 online community college classes and it only took me a week to realize im stupid and cant do it. I told my sister and mom to just drop the classes and get the refund but they wont let me. So im inevitably gonna fail and hear them complain about that next.
I was locked up at my brothers house the other night cuz they thought id kill myself if they left me alone or something. While i was wandering around at 2am because i can never sleep thanks to insomnia, i noticed my brothers desert eagle on top of the fridge. I had a clear opening, one way ticket out of here. I dont know why i didnt take it. The box was probably locked anyway.
Theres no fixing myself. Ive been too far gone for awhile now. No hope, no future, no reason to go on. The only reason im here is because im too much of a pussy to kill myself. When i think of what reasons i have to live, its that I enjoy music, tv and video games, and love to eat food. thats it. my big reasons to live. woop dee doo.
I never just fell off one day. I wasnt happy or content at any point of my life. I was always a weird kid who never spoke to anyone, not even my parents. I would be taken to therapists and specialists everywhere as a young kid and theyd literally give up because i wouldnt talk. i was put on several useless medications that never did anything. In first grade at this cringy private bible school they had gotten me to start talking to classmates and making friends but still I rarely talked to adults. That spree of talking would only last until 6th grade when everyone started making fun of my lisp. Slowly but surely from there I would revert back to my original state of being almost completely mute. By junior year I never spoke unless spoken too and my replies were usually one word.
My whole life I've lived in near complete isolation out in the country. This ensured I would never get to make friends or hang out with anyone the way kids in towns and cities did. Add this factor on to the fact Im already terrified of social interaction and you get a recipe for disaster. To this day I still live in the same house, isolated from everyone and basically unknown to them. Since I never had a chance to have actual friends I turned to Runescape when i was around 9. Let me just say that game consumed my life and it became my life. I blame much of my inability to talk to people on that game.
My dad died when I was 13, and i feel like he was the only one who at least tried to be understanding of my problems. That was a pretty rough time. Now my mother has kept me deep in this pit basically my whole life. She has always been critical of my every mistake and made me feel horrible about myself. She made me hate myself over the years more than any bully could.
This is getting pretty long so I gotta wrap it up. My daily life consists of being locked up in my room wanting to die. I live the most undignified life imaginable. I have never had a real job and im almost 23. All i do is run chores around the yard for my mom and run errands for my brother who dumps all his responsibilities on everyone else. The only value anyone sees in me is to perform menial chores. Thats all im good for. and thats the only time anyone wants anything to do with me. I dont really care much about my family and absolutely dont care if they have to find my body.
I am ugly and scrawny. Ive never had a girlfriend or so much as had someone like me. Add sexual frustration onto the endless list of shit thats wrong with me. I eat upwards of one meal a day because my mom never cooks, so i feel like shit most of every day from hunger pains and a feeling of dizziness. I hardly even bother try talking to people anymore as they always abandon me in the end. The only long distance friends i had over facebook i quit speaking to because im sick of hearing about their perfect little lives with their friends and boyfriend.
How do you go on living when literally nothing feels alright? I hate myself so much. I cant stand to look myself in the mirror when i brush my teeth. And I give up on everything because i dont deserve the chance. Recently I started 3 online community college classes and it only took me a week to realize im stupid and cant do it. I told my sister and mom to just drop the classes and get the refund but they wont let me. So im inevitably gonna fail and hear them complain about that next.
I was locked up at my brothers house the other night cuz they thought id kill myself if they left me alone or something. While i was wandering around at 2am because i can never sleep thanks to insomnia, i noticed my brothers desert eagle on top of the fridge. I had a clear opening, one way ticket out of here. I dont know why i didnt take it. The box was probably locked anyway.
Theres no fixing myself. Ive been too far gone for awhile now. No hope, no future, no reason to go on. The only reason im here is because im too much of a pussy to kill myself. When i think of what reasons i have to live, its that I enjoy music, tv and video games, and love to eat food. thats it. my big reasons to live. woop dee doo.
