My living hell is repeating and repeating. All these love delusions and all these fucking crashs. People in my environment are tired of listening to it. I started to keep it to myself. I am also hesitant to share it in this forum because it is an embarrassment. And it is more embarrassing when more people know about it. Even in an anonymous forum.
I want to fucking kill myself. But I notice maybe I am in a too bad shape to do detailed planning. I have to be pretty determined ot go through with it. But I want to wait until April when college re-starts. I was in this clinic for acute suicidal people. It was such a hell hole. I am so fucking glad I could leave it quickly. I might have to return there if I am again acute suicidal and people want to stop me.
I have to lie in front of my closest friends which will be very hard. But I think I am beyond my pain limit. I am reading Infinite Jest and finishing it is on my bucket list (of the possibly achievable things) that can be done by me. I need a break of everything. Even of suicidal thoughts.
I am so so fucking sick of everything. It is beyond words or comprehension.
Everyone believed me that it was so harmless that day. My friends called the police before I could take the SN. My dad and my two closest friends know the truth.
The rest does not know shit. My mom and grandma blame my friends for calling the police because I pretended that I was not that suicidal. The truth is I followed all steps of the protocoll and the SN was already dissolved. I had even my mouth at the glass and smelled it. I am not sure whether I would have I am been determined enough. But I think if the police came 30 minutes later I might would have already taken it.
Everyone just bought my lies. In my self-help group I completely played it down. Not anyone of them had doubts (or cared enough). I think noone in this group would be traumatized by my suicide. I think most of them would not give a fuck. My psychiatrist did not even ask me for an appointment afterwards. This is really weird to me. I almost killed myself and she does not even want to talk about it? I considered to play with open cards with them but if noone cares then I don't care too?
I want to fucking kill myself. But I notice maybe I am in a too bad shape to do detailed planning. I have to be pretty determined ot go through with it. But I want to wait until April when college re-starts. I was in this clinic for acute suicidal people. It was such a hell hole. I am so fucking glad I could leave it quickly. I might have to return there if I am again acute suicidal and people want to stop me.
I have to lie in front of my closest friends which will be very hard. But I think I am beyond my pain limit. I am reading Infinite Jest and finishing it is on my bucket list (of the possibly achievable things) that can be done by me. I need a break of everything. Even of suicidal thoughts.
I am so so fucking sick of everything. It is beyond words or comprehension.
Everyone believed me that it was so harmless that day. My friends called the police before I could take the SN. My dad and my two closest friends know the truth.
The rest does not know shit. My mom and grandma blame my friends for calling the police because I pretended that I was not that suicidal. The truth is I followed all steps of the protocoll and the SN was already dissolved. I had even my mouth at the glass and smelled it. I am not sure whether I would have I am been determined enough. But I think if the police came 30 minutes later I might would have already taken it.
Everyone just bought my lies. In my self-help group I completely played it down. Not anyone of them had doubts (or cared enough). I think noone in this group would be traumatized by my suicide. I think most of them would not give a fuck. My psychiatrist did not even ask me for an appointment afterwards. This is really weird to me. I almost killed myself and she does not even want to talk about it? I considered to play with open cards with them but if noone cares then I don't care too?
