I am so focused on CTB that I am failing to connect with others. I have one foot out the door and so I can't really be present. Anyone relate?

[Iamhere2005]

I often chastise myself for not succeeding more socially. I am in my late 40s. I have had a few intimate relationships and many friendships. But most fail now and I believe it is because I am truly not really here. I don't give a fuck enough to do life. This sucks though because I am still here and I don't know if I will have the guts to end things. I feel like such a mess and I don't know how to fix this. I have done all the treatment but it doesn't work enough.
I have most of the stuff to CTB but maybe I am waiting for something. Ugh I just wish I could embrace life and live or CTB. Alas I sit in limbo and keep fucking shit up.

 

[GasMonkey]

What's your method?

 

[Iamhere2005]

What's your method?

SN. I have access to most drugs but not AE. So still pondering that. Thought about gun if this failed.

 

[Hollowman]

I could've wrote that I'm in my late 40s too. I've been trying for years to connect with someone but it seems there's not enough left of me to connect with. Hopefully you and I can figure something out because limbo fn sucks.

 

[ExistHarm]

SN. I have access to most drugs but not AE. So still pondering that. Thought about gun if this failed.

I could've wrote that I'm in my late 40s too. I've been trying for years to connect with someone but it seems there's not enough left of me to connect with. Hopefully you and I can figure something out because limbo fn sucks.

20 y/o here. is it worth it? do you wish you couldve just ctb at my age? just curious..

 

[Iamhere2005]

20 y/o here. is it worth it? do you wish you couldve just ctb at my age? just curious..

I attempted at your age. Obviously failed. It's hard to say. I have lived, loved, and done a lot in those ~20 years. We are all so different. Maybe you can pull off a decent life. The last 7 years—aside from a few moments (career, sex and hopefulness of a relationship) have been terrifying and awful and are getting mostly worse. So I'd give that last 7 years up and wish I'd have gone then. I think you might need to see if you are one of the ones that can heal (enough). What do you think tho?

 

[ExistHarm]

I attempted at your age. Obviously failed. It's hard to say. I have lived, loved, and done a lot in those ~20 years. We are all so different. Maybe you can pull off a decent life. The last 7 years—aside from a few moments (career, sex and hopefulness of a relationship) have been terrifying and awful and are getting mostly worse. So I'd give that last 7 years up and wish I'd have gone then. I think you might need to see if you are one of the ones that can heal (enough). What do you think tho?

i recently ended what was the most significant relationship of my life, aug 22-jan 23. some great highs and lows, and overall it has left me worse than when i started, and i think it has left me some kind of asexual. not even for any good reason either; i could write more but it is really just my own self destructiveness that is why i am worse than beforehand. i really can't say either man. i know that there could be some great times ahead. but i know that there could be the worst days of my life ahead. i have lived so much already. right now i am worried about building a foundation that can get me past 40 or whatever; i feel like if you find yourself past 30 without significant skills or whatnot it just gets harder and harder to live even just a baseline life. but see? i just can't stop worrying, overthinking, self destructive tendencies. i simply have a toxic relationship with life. i am worrying about life in 30 years while i have SN in my closet. so many different paths to take, so many stories to write, so many hot baths, sunsets, warm meals, hugs i would miss, but so much mental anguish, suffering, pain, dread, fear, regret, regret, regret, shame, i would finally be free from. there is no need for happiness if there is no capacity for sadness. i think the notion of healing or recovery can sometimes be as toxic as pro-life propaganda, the belief in some idealic future state where all my problems are gone or lessened and i am comfortable just being me. i simply just can't see it, and i don't think there's anything wrong with that. the problem now is making sure i don't fail to ctb and possibly be left in a worse state, and, as much as i really hate to admit it, dealing with how much it would fuck up my family and friends. although i believe i have my own right to die i can't help but feel so bad for my family, they just won't understand that i would be better off in nonexistence. well, i do think i have a couple years left in me, or maybe ill become some kind of vagabond and fall off the grid, it seems like a good way to destroy the life i have/ hate now, experience new things, and maybe die anyways, i have really nothing to lose. fuck, uh. yeah.