Venting I am so angry at myself for not going through with it when I had the chance

[needtofindrightway]

Last November I had booked a hotel room, I had two cups with SN prepared but then I called the crisis hotline and let them talk me out of it. They made me get rid of the SN and sectioned me.

From late November til mid January I spent time in three different mental health wards before being discharged.

And now I am doing just as bad like before my "attempt" (if you can call it that) and I am just angry at myself. I should have gone through with it. Now getting SN ist harder. Now everyone is worried about me (and getting on my nerves) and I just feel apathy most of the time. I just don't wanna live anymore. I just don't.

 

[JEDM]

I hope you and all of us can gather the courage to do what's best for us. Whether that is CTB or continuing living.

Do you think you actually wanted to live in the moment or was it just your SI?

 

[needtofindrightway]

I think I wanted to give life a try at this moment. It was more than instinctual SI, I wasn't ready to die back then.

I'm not sure if I'm ready to die now. I just know that existing right now is torture.

 

[JEDM]

I feel the same about not being sure. I have so many doubts about what comes after death. I'm scared of being judged and punished because I killed myself. Even the dying process feels scary. But at the same time just like you, I don't see myself continuing to live. Life just wasn't made for me it seems like

 

[needtofindrightway]

I think that whatever happens after the death, it can't be worse than what I am experiencing right now. That said, I'm not religious so I don't believe in getting punished by a god for suicide. I don't think suicide is a sin. The most likely thing is that your consciousness just ceases to exist. I would also like for my spirit to continue to exist in some form, just liberated from this earthly prison.

 

[JEDM]

I hope it isn't. Doesn't really make sense to me. I'm not religious too, but I can't help being scared of the two religions I was most exposed to. Christianity and Islam. What would be your ideal afterlife scenario (Non existence included)? Your spirit wandering the earth?

 

[needtofindrightway]

My ideal scenario would be my spirit/ consciousness continuing to exist, but liberated from pain and sorrow. Not necessarily haunting earth but entering a new plain of existence. Being able to communicate and merge with all the other consciousness of people who died before. Being unified in death in some way. My dad hasn't died yet, and I don't know whether I die first or he will but I like to imagine that we will be together again in some way.