I have a date tommorow. It is the same woman from October who rejected me after 2-3 dates and one week texting. Her rejection made me very acute suicidal which I successfully hid from her. I could not believe the bought it but everyone from my self-help group/mom/grandma bought it.
The thing is she likes about me my honesty and how open I am about my inner feelings. The issue is I am really desperate for a gf and my life hinges on it. I think this is why she rejected me the first time. I was very clingy. I did a lot to distract from that afterwards. And now we date again.
However, I have the feeling I cannot win this game. I won't win with honesty. But do I have to pretend someone who I am not? I actually would prefer some secrecy instead of being fully transparent. I will try to stir the conversation to a different direction if I have the feeling it needs to. But there are so many possible dangers when I open up.
I try to decrease the stakes to take me pressure. Instead of killing myself when i fuck it up I consider to go to a escort woman. I would call that progress achieved with the help of my new therapist. (XD). I am still using dating apps but I barely get matches. I had the best match every one or two weeks ago. She was very attractive and interesting but she did not reply to my first message. I think women like her get bombarded with messages. We both had in common that we do not drink alcohol. It was the same thing that sparked the interest of the woman I dated eaerlier in summer.
Each New Year I look back at my life and try to evaluate it. I was in dire need for change. College was a living hell. A nightmare. I went to a clinic in April because I said one more step into the university or I kill myself. And I ordered SN in April. In October I almost took the SN but my friends called the police and intervened. I think with my plans to kill myself I clearly made progress. I never was that close to dying in my whole life. I tried partial hanging 2018 and stood on the balcony of the 7th the same year. But I was pretty far away from going through with it. With the SN in October I was really on the edge. I think it was 50/50 whether I would have taken it the same day. I am glad I did not take it that day because it would have failed. I had to shut my mouth in front of my friends if I actually want to succeed. I am not sure whether one can really call it success. It did not traumatize me for sure. Rather the opposite.
I got the nursing care money in July which was a big win. Somone in this forum recommended it to me. It gives me hope. It might be enough to survive. I have some prospects even if I cannot continue college. Realistically, I think college is over. My family still expects it. But college almost drove me to commit suicide. It was a living hell. I think I am not willed to endure that much longer. On paper I want to remain student for some reason. I want to believe in a miracle where all my severe psychosomatic issues which developed due to the college stress disappear. But also for dating. What am I supposed to say. I am in my mid/end twenties and fully have given up to get a job. Lmao. The unemployment was a major reason to skip dating apps.
I am now in my self-help group and get social connections. It gets a running gag that I take a break from college and do nothing. I think the others don't know how much these remarks hurt, pressure and torment me. The don't make offensive jokes. But I have the feeling some feel superior when they compare themselves with me. I really get the impulse to open about to them that I almost killed myself in October because I could not live it much longer this utter hopelessness. But the women who seem(ed) to have interest in me would not have liked that I assume. Everytime someone looks down at me for my situation I get the impusle to threaten suicide to them. And say to them yes I am a loser, I am well aware of that fact, I am not naive about my situation. I care about status. But for my own sake I swallow it down. And instead i talk with my friends or in this forum about suicide where there is more understanding.
I have looked for other self-help groups. And most of them consist of really old folks. I was in a bipolar group and got really condenscencing remarks about suicide. Someone called suicidal people the ultimate losers. (Lmao.) Not really my mindset. It did not offend me that much, it rather confused me and I did not feel understood. The daughter of this person tried to kill herself and he himself said he regrets to have procreated because of that reason. Someone asked me whether I want to start a psychosis self-help group for younger people. I already have two phone numbers there are two more people interested but the middle (wo)man who has a psychosis self help group for older people could not find the numbers. I think my college self-help group is exceptionally good. We can be very open and honest about dark topics like suicide and trauma dumping is never a concept. But the people have no notion of psychosis and paranoia. My issues are often very different. More existential.
I have finsihed Infinite Jest today. Such an amazing book. I will read another interpetation soon. I used some summaries while reading it because some parts of the plot were very hard to understand.
The thing is she likes about me my honesty and how open I am about my inner feelings. The issue is I am really desperate for a gf and my life hinges on it. I think this is why she rejected me the first time. I was very clingy. I did a lot to distract from that afterwards. And now we date again.
However, I have the feeling I cannot win this game. I won't win with honesty. But do I have to pretend someone who I am not? I actually would prefer some secrecy instead of being fully transparent. I will try to stir the conversation to a different direction if I have the feeling it needs to. But there are so many possible dangers when I open up.
I try to decrease the stakes to take me pressure. Instead of killing myself when i fuck it up I consider to go to a escort woman. I would call that progress achieved with the help of my new therapist. (XD). I am still using dating apps but I barely get matches. I had the best match every one or two weeks ago. She was very attractive and interesting but she did not reply to my first message. I think women like her get bombarded with messages. We both had in common that we do not drink alcohol. It was the same thing that sparked the interest of the woman I dated eaerlier in summer.
Each New Year I look back at my life and try to evaluate it. I was in dire need for change. College was a living hell. A nightmare. I went to a clinic in April because I said one more step into the university or I kill myself. And I ordered SN in April. In October I almost took the SN but my friends called the police and intervened. I think with my plans to kill myself I clearly made progress. I never was that close to dying in my whole life. I tried partial hanging 2018 and stood on the balcony of the 7th the same year. But I was pretty far away from going through with it. With the SN in October I was really on the edge. I think it was 50/50 whether I would have taken it the same day. I am glad I did not take it that day because it would have failed. I had to shut my mouth in front of my friends if I actually want to succeed. I am not sure whether one can really call it success. It did not traumatize me for sure. Rather the opposite.
I got the nursing care money in July which was a big win. Somone in this forum recommended it to me. It gives me hope. It might be enough to survive. I have some prospects even if I cannot continue college. Realistically, I think college is over. My family still expects it. But college almost drove me to commit suicide. It was a living hell. I think I am not willed to endure that much longer. On paper I want to remain student for some reason. I want to believe in a miracle where all my severe psychosomatic issues which developed due to the college stress disappear. But also for dating. What am I supposed to say. I am in my mid/end twenties and fully have given up to get a job. Lmao. The unemployment was a major reason to skip dating apps.
I am now in my self-help group and get social connections. It gets a running gag that I take a break from college and do nothing. I think the others don't know how much these remarks hurt, pressure and torment me. The don't make offensive jokes. But I have the feeling some feel superior when they compare themselves with me. I really get the impulse to open about to them that I almost killed myself in October because I could not live it much longer this utter hopelessness. But the women who seem(ed) to have interest in me would not have liked that I assume. Everytime someone looks down at me for my situation I get the impusle to threaten suicide to them. And say to them yes I am a loser, I am well aware of that fact, I am not naive about my situation. I care about status. But for my own sake I swallow it down. And instead i talk with my friends or in this forum about suicide where there is more understanding.
I have looked for other self-help groups. And most of them consist of really old folks. I was in a bipolar group and got really condenscencing remarks about suicide. Someone called suicidal people the ultimate losers. (Lmao.) Not really my mindset. It did not offend me that much, it rather confused me and I did not feel understood. The daughter of this person tried to kill herself and he himself said he regrets to have procreated because of that reason. Someone asked me whether I want to start a psychosis self-help group for younger people. I already have two phone numbers there are two more people interested but the middle (wo)man who has a psychosis self help group for older people could not find the numbers. I think my college self-help group is exceptionally good. We can be very open and honest about dark topics like suicide and trauma dumping is never a concept. But the people have no notion of psychosis and paranoia. My issues are often very different. More existential.
I have finsihed Infinite Jest today. Such an amazing book. I will read another interpetation soon. I used some summaries while reading it because some parts of the plot were very hard to understand.
