I am beyond my limit. I swore to me I would never ever induce manic symptoms to feel better. Because in the long run it will make everything way worse. But I cannot take it anymore. This idea to go to an escort lady was a mean to induce mania because I get more and more severely depressed. But after manic symptoms you always crash. The mistake was in August a mixed episode started and it evolves into a (major?) depression.
And I just cannot cope with it anymore.
On the 15th of October I almost killed myself. I had a horrendous clinic stayed and I lied my way out. I am not willing to endure this anymore.
It is not a question whether I attempt again. It is a question of when in the next weeks and months.
My support network was highly stressed when I was acute suicidal. My parents were heartbroken to see my in that clinic. I am at my wits end. I considered to go to a prostitute to keep me at bay. I still consider it now when I am thinking about. Because actually nothing. Nothing can make me continue this insane torture. Well a partnership could. But there are so many profound and logical reason why I will never have that. The sole fact that my life hinges on it is a sign that no woman will ever be together with me. Who wants to have that responsibilty. I was dating women. And it is all a fucking lie. I am a pathetic loser, that worries all the time, my sorrows overwhelm me, I barely can keep my shit together, I become psychotic all the time, I don't do my household. Some women were interested in me because I played a role. I was hypomanic and women can get attracted to that. ( the mania turns into Depression now and who wants to be together with a depressed loner loser). But it is a facade. My hypomanic me is maybe 5% of my personality. You don't get what you see. This is not me. If they knew who I am they would run a way a thousand miles.
There is not much that holding me back to kill myself. My support network one reason. This astronomical little chance with the women in my self-help group another reason. My anxiety of having to return to this fucked clinic for acute suicidal people. Yes another point.
If I knew to 100% I would go through with it, keeping my mouth shut I would do it quicker. But I am a mess. I am a mental wreck. You need strength and determination to kill yourself. The pain level is there. But I think I am not able to hide it in front of my friends. I have such a guilty conscience it was horrible for them when I was acute suicidal.
And I just cannot cope with it anymore.
On the 15th of October I almost killed myself. I had a horrendous clinic stayed and I lied my way out. I am not willing to endure this anymore.
It is not a question whether I attempt again. It is a question of when in the next weeks and months.
My support network was highly stressed when I was acute suicidal. My parents were heartbroken to see my in that clinic. I am at my wits end. I considered to go to a prostitute to keep me at bay. I still consider it now when I am thinking about. Because actually nothing. Nothing can make me continue this insane torture. Well a partnership could. But there are so many profound and logical reason why I will never have that. The sole fact that my life hinges on it is a sign that no woman will ever be together with me. Who wants to have that responsibilty. I was dating women. And it is all a fucking lie. I am a pathetic loser, that worries all the time, my sorrows overwhelm me, I barely can keep my shit together, I become psychotic all the time, I don't do my household. Some women were interested in me because I played a role. I was hypomanic and women can get attracted to that. ( the mania turns into Depression now and who wants to be together with a depressed loner loser). But it is a facade. My hypomanic me is maybe 5% of my personality. You don't get what you see. This is not me. If they knew who I am they would run a way a thousand miles.
There is not much that holding me back to kill myself. My support network one reason. This astronomical little chance with the women in my self-help group another reason. My anxiety of having to return to this fucked clinic for acute suicidal people. Yes another point.
If I knew to 100% I would go through with it, keeping my mouth shut I would do it quicker. But I am a mess. I am a mental wreck. You need strength and determination to kill yourself. The pain level is there. But I think I am not able to hide it in front of my friends. I have such a guilty conscience it was horrible for them when I was acute suicidal.
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