N
noname223
Angelic
- Aug 18, 2020
- 4,996
I think this fits my behavior in public. I have made some progress in behaving like an average (mentally healthy) person. I enhanced my behavior concerning looking people in the eyes and 1 to 1 conversations. But I am still really bad at talking publicly. It is really weird how I behave. Most people ignore it. Some probably find it funny or awkward. I try to sound intelligent and articulate due to that it is less embarrassing for me. Many people think I was really smart. I had an appointment with my therapist recently he once again emphasized that he thinks that I am really intelligent. I told him I feel like an imposter - I am really convinced to be one. He said many people with success feel like that. (He paints my tiny progress as success lol). There is this imposter syndrome. Though I really think with my behavior I try to leave the impression I was very very intelligent. I think due to that many people overestimate my intelligence.
I have once met a professor in a mental health clinic. He saw through my charade/ facade. He did not really think I was smart. I annoyed him with my behavior. Though my behavior is kind of pathologicall and I can't turn it off. He was very annoyed by me. This man was the smartest guy I have ever met in my life. I think even for a professor he was exceptionally smart.
I am also friend with maybe the smartest guy in my university course. I am not sure whether he considers me smart. I think he finds it not smart of me reading so much media sources. He prefers scientifical methods. Sometimes in our debates I can make one or two good points but it is obvious he is smarter than me.
I am so obsessed what other people think of me. It is pathetic. My whole behavior centers around that. I try to accumulate all this knowledge and education just to be a fraud.
I think the metaphor of the title is true. It makes it harder to find a girlfriend but I try to use irony and sarcasm as my defence. I am good at making witty jokes in conversations to override my insecurities and weaknesses. Though the women don't consider this as enough I think. I rather have some other pathological behaviors which make it really hard to find a girlfriend. I am overthinking things in an extreme way. I don't want to give up on that. However my illnesses destroyed all my past attempts so far. I will keep trying. I have my limits and until they are not reached I will continue to try to solve my issues.
I have once met a professor in a mental health clinic. He saw through my charade/ facade. He did not really think I was smart. I annoyed him with my behavior. Though my behavior is kind of pathologicall and I can't turn it off. He was very annoyed by me. This man was the smartest guy I have ever met in my life. I think even for a professor he was exceptionally smart.
I am also friend with maybe the smartest guy in my university course. I am not sure whether he considers me smart. I think he finds it not smart of me reading so much media sources. He prefers scientifical methods. Sometimes in our debates I can make one or two good points but it is obvious he is smarter than me.
I am so obsessed what other people think of me. It is pathetic. My whole behavior centers around that. I try to accumulate all this knowledge and education just to be a fraud.
I think the metaphor of the title is true. It makes it harder to find a girlfriend but I try to use irony and sarcasm as my defence. I am good at making witty jokes in conversations to override my insecurities and weaknesses. Though the women don't consider this as enough I think. I rather have some other pathological behaviors which make it really hard to find a girlfriend. I am overthinking things in an extreme way. I don't want to give up on that. However my illnesses destroyed all my past attempts so far. I will keep trying. I have my limits and until they are not reached I will continue to try to solve my issues.
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