Venting I am honestly just a helpless child

[Namelesa]

I don't think I will ever be able to get better without the help of someone taking care of me emotionally most of the time. I mostly want to die cus of emptiness which I often feel without attention from and/or not being of value to someone. I want to be useful and provide something but I know I can't exactly provide much cus of me being an emotional burden and can't handle much which is most likely going to cause them to be disappointed in me and discard me which what I fear most.

I am so scared of failure cus of the consequences whether that's with people abandoning me or people being disappointed or accidentally hurting someone. I know I am going to fail at some point no matter what. I know people saying that's just being human but I will still suffer consequences which I know I deserve cus I did something wrong but I still can't handle it emotionally. I base off my worth on what I can provide to others and if they get disappointed or hurt by me then I am of less worth and feel intense guilt which adds to my suffering.

If I try to provide more than what I can handle, I feel drained and start to build up emotional pain which often will lead to me lashing out and hurting the other person but if I try to consider my own needs more ask for more from them and not do things they want that I am uncomfortable with then that won't be enough and they will be disappointed so whatever I try to do I will always fail.

This also effects my ability to work as I can't handle it without sacrificing my own needs and emotions so that will end up with me failing at that as well.

I know I am too much of a emotional burden and nuisance for someone to want to deal with me long term so I am always going to suffer like this and feel empty as I don't know how to not be an emotional burden without someone in the first place. I am honestly don't really act like an adult even tho I am physical one so I am basically mentally a helpless child. I would just ctb for myself and others so no one has to deal with me and as I think death is the less risky than to continue with life but I literally can't access effective methods so I am stuck like this.

 

[OminousDarkness]

I don't think I will ever be able to get better without the help of someone taking care of me emotionally most of the time. I mostly want to die cus of emptiness which I often feel without attention from and/or not being of value to someone. I want to be useful and provide something but I know I can't exactly provide much cus of me being an emotional burden and can't handle much which is most likely going to cause them to be disappointed in me and discard me which what I fear most.

I am so scared of failure cus of the consequences whether that's with people abandoning me or people being disappointed or accidentally hurting someone. I know I am going to fail at some point no matter what. I know people saying that's just being human but I will still suffer consequences which I know I deserve cus I did something wrong but I still can't handle it emotionally. I base off my worth on what I can provide to others and if they get disappointed or hurt by me then I am of less worth and feel intense guilt which adds to my suffering.

If I try to provide more than what I can handle, I feel drained and start to build up emotional pain which often will lead to me lashing out and hurting the other person but if I try to consider my own needs more ask for more from them and not do things they want that I am uncomfortable with then that won't be enough and they will be disappointed so whatever I try to do I will always fail.

I know I am too much of a emotional burden and nuisance for someone to want to deal with me long term so I am always going to suffer like this and feel empty as I don't know how to not be an emotional burden without someone in the first place. I am honestly don't really act like an adult even tho I am physical one so I am basically mentally a helpless child. I would just ctb for myself and others so no one has to deal with me and as I think death is the less risky than to continue with life but I literally can't access effective methods so I am stuck like this.

Where are you from OP? Have you tried any mental health services?

 

[Namelesa]

Where are you from OP? Have you tried any mental health services?

UK. I have tried both public NHS mental health help and private therapies for years. NHS is complete shit as they don't provide enough help and the people I talk to just make me feel worse. Private therapies have been a bit better but it can only do so much and won't fully fix my problems.

 

[never_take_my_heart]

Damn... What you've said is highly relatable, seriously, each and every word. Made me feel seen if anything, that's some value you brought to this guy's life

I don't have any meaningful insights for we're in the same boat... I do struggle with providing timely responses if intricate topics are discussed, but if you'd like some chill, no expectations whatsoever conversations, please feel free to contact me, in fact, I myself would love to interact with you!

 

[WanderingTiger]

I can deeply relate to what you've expressed, particularly regarding emotional emptiness and feeling childlike while always striving to give the best of oneself to others. I, too, have done a great deal for people, even when I struggled to show my feelings and affection for them, yet it often seems that they do not appreciate our efforts and discard or devalue us at the first opportunity. I completely understand how frustrating this can be, having to keep everything bottled up inside. I hope I've managed to convey my thoughts clearly; I would truly love to have a conversation with you

 

[Jealous Blackheart]

It may be safe to say that I am perhaps your complete polar opposite in every possible way. I was hardly much of a child at all. Some of my earliest memories involve people comparing me to a grumpy old person.

All of that to say, we never chose to be the way that we are and what we are is a deviation from expected development. In my unprofessional opinion, there's nothing wrong with you (in the context and scope of this post). It's just a matter of being with the right people in the right places. Sometimes that is easier said than done and I may as well say "just win the lottery" for all that's worth.

I would be preaching to the choir to say that culture and norms are not friendly to deviations. We live in a world where people with certain traits thrive, people without them cope, and people who happen to possess traits contrary to how we're told we should be suffer.

Lack of a method is also why I am still here (despite my very best efforts, believe me). Stuck. But after spending a very long time in limbo something had to give That's outside the scope of this thread.

I'm sorry that life has been so overwhelming for you.

 

[Namelesa]

@never_take_my_heart and @WanderingTiger if you want to PM you can but sorry in advance if I do something wrong cus of the problems I face that I have said in this thread.

WanderingTiger you will probably need increase your post count to be able to PM.