losttagain
Member
- Sep 10, 2024
- 72
The antidepressants just don't let me feel anything rather than anxiety and rage and im crying for the first time in so long it feels like I have a tornado bottled inside of me. Just had a huge fight with my mom. I invented some sickness for the 37535 time so I don't have to go to school. She's so done with me. I don't get it. Sometimes I just feel like a fucking whining baby who doesn't wanna grow up. But then again, how much of the disease is really causing this? How much is just me not doing literally anything to get better? I just wanna fucking die. And she knows it cuz I tried before. She's just so right, everyday I make excuses to not leave the house, even to get fucking bread. I just feel like such a creep and the thought of interacting with people nauseates me. Either that or I put full fake mode and fool everyone and the misery hits the second I step on the bus to go away. She was just telling me how I have everything, a nice house, food on the table (I don't even know how to fucking cook), support with my studies, psychological support, etc. they're paying for everything and all I do is rot in bed all day just doing literally nothing to improve. And it isn't because I can't get better. I know I can. I'm just so tired and I don't want to. I'm tired of feeling like a creep, like life will never get better for me. I don't even respond to my friends for months because all they know is the "fine" version of me and if they see the spoiled lazy and misery I'm in right now they wouldn't even wanna be friends with me anymore. My mom just told me I am going to be homeless because I don't put an effort in my studies neither I work or do anything. And that's probably true, I can't keep up with this facade for much longer. If I don't find the courage to kill myself that's what's reserved for me: a life of loneliness and misery. Sometimes I even wonder if I'm a fucking narcissist , I literally care about nothing else but my never ending stupid and spoiled suffering. My mom is so tired and she's suffering so much with this because I lay it all on her and even seeing and dealing with that I continue lying and staying in bed all day just wishing I was dead. Wtf is wrong with me…
