Help (I am bad with tittles) But I just don't know... I don't want to die, but I think I should

[lost_one]

So I would like to live, but I would like a meaningful, calmer life. I would like to be happy, have a girlfriend, have a job that I like. The problem is that I hate myself, I have hated myself since I was 14 years old and that is why I have always isolated myself, not that I was able to make friends before that, but I stopped trying and became a "grumpy" person and I isolated myself from other people, because I believe that I am human garbage and should not be around anyone, because I have nothing good to offer anyone. I have this guilt that eats away at me inside, which I have not been able to get rid of no matter what I do, I have been in therapy with 4 different therapists for 3 years and nothing.

To get back to my point, I would like to live, but not the way I have been living until now, if that is the case I would rather die soon, I am tired of all this suffering and all this pain. I'm tired of going around in circles, of trying and failing and I don't know what to do anymore, I don't want to turn 27 and cry about it, because I'm still trash and a failure and a monster.

My previous solution was to try to isolate myself and be happy alone in the world, but it doesn't work, I'm weak and loneliness is too much for me. I wish someone in the world cared about my existence, I wish someone would look at me and say don't kill yourself, we can find a way, but I know that if I die today no one will cry for me (which is actually a good thing if I'm actually going to kill myself, I won't be hurting anyone by doing it)

No one loves me if they talk about everything I've been through and everything bad I've done, so killing myself seems like the least painful option.

The truth is that I don't deserve to be happy.

I'm a coward and I'm scared, I don't know if I'll make it this time, but this time I chose a nitrogen exit bag which is a less painful and more effective way to cut your wrists.

I am tired of this life, and I don't know what to do anymore ( for context I have hated myself since I was 14, but been depressed since I was 12, I am now 26, 27 in may)

I think I have posted other times very similar text to this, here and on reddit...So many times that it mfeels repetitive and I feel like I am annoying people at this point)

 

[Unspoken7612]

Hey, I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through.

Have you really opened up to these therapists? Therapy is a two-way process, you need to trust each other if you're going to get anywhere. What modalities have they tried - it sounds like you could benefit from CBT or similar, because you're showing signs of distorted thinking causing you distress.

Have you tried medication?

 

[lost_one]

Hey, I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through.

Have you really opened up to these therapists? Therapy is a two-way process, you need to trust each other if you're going to get anywhere. What modalities have they tried - it sounds like you could benefit from CBT or similar, because you're showing signs of distorted thinking causing you distress.

Have you tried medication?

I have been semi-honest with my current therapist, I tone down how suicidal I really am, but other than that I have been honest with her, and I have tried all the modalities I could fins Pschianalisis, CBT, and Humanist, currently CBT, but in all honestly I don't see much diference between them, but I am in Brazil so I guess things can be different here, also I can't afford a reaaly good therapist cause I am poor so I am essencially leeft with people that have "just graduated"

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

I don't have much to say besides I sometimes I feel similarly so you're not alone

 

[Loaf of bread]

I don't have much to say besides I sometimes I feel similarly so you're not alone

I feel the same way too. I would love to live a happy, joyful life. Not what the hell this life is!

 

[Forever Sleep]

Sadly, I feel like whatever we want out of life, we have to actively pursue. People can't care about you if they've never met you- obviously. So, to even hope to build friendships, relationships- obviously, you can't keep isolating.

I isolate because of a few things. I have social anxiety around others. I also trust friendship less than I did. My personal experience has been that people are often unreliable. Seeing as I'm not great with 'fair weather friendship', it doesn't seem worth the effort to me. That's a kind of conscious decision for me really. I don't want to face my fears and I doubt the end result would be worth it. I'm more fortunate in that I am ok on my own. (For now at least.)

In a way, I think you need to work out how much you want this. Can you socialise more? Can you afford to join clubs etc? Can you bear facing any social anxiety you might have? Not sure if you suffer from it? Can you bear the prospect of dealing with rejection or, negative interactions? I expect you could try to change your circumstances. It depends more on whether you feel able to put yourself through all that. It could also be great of course! They were more worse case scenarios.

If it's because you think you're a bad person or, have done bad things. Not saying you have- I don't know. But, how likely are you to repeat the behaviour? Was it conscious? Do you know what triggered you to behave that way? It's honourable you want to shield people but, it may be unecessary now if you've changed.

Lastly, I also want to avoid creating new, strong friendships because of the likelihood of CTB. I suppose it depends just how likely it is for a person. If there's a genuine alternative to want to live under certain conditions, maybe it is worth pursuing them. I'm not sure really. Personally, that feels like setting myself a trap. I don't want more emotional tethers here. I do agree though. I don't like the thought of hurting others just because it made us feel better for a bit.

 

[lost_one]

Sadly, I feel like whatever we want out of life, we have to actively pursue. People can't care about you if they've never met you- obviously. So, to even hope to build friendships, relationships- obviously, you can't keep isolating.

I isolate because of a few things. I have social anxiety around others. I also trust friendship less than I did. My personal experience has been that people are often unreliable. Seeing as I'm not great with 'fair weather friendship', it doesn't seem worth the effort to me. That's a kind of conscious decision for me really. I don't want to face my fears and I doubt the end result would be worth it. I'm more fortunate in that I am ok on my own. (For now at least.)

In a way, I think you need to work out how much you want this. Can you socialise more? Can you afford to join clubs etc? Can you bear facing any social anxiety you might have? Not sure if you suffer from it? Can you bear the prospect of dealing with rejection or, negative interactions? I expect you could try to change your circumstances. It depends more on whether you feel able to put yourself through all that. It could also be great of course! They were more worse case scenarios.

If it's because you think you're a bad person or, have done bad things. Not saying you have- I don't know. But, how likely are you to repeat the behaviour? Was it conscious? Do you know what triggered you to behave that way? It's honourable you want to shield people but, it may be unecessary now if you've changed.

Lastly, I also want to avoid creating new, strong friendships because of the likelihood of CTB. I suppose it depends just how likely it is for a person. If there's a genuine alternative to want to live under certain conditions, maybe it is worth pursuing them. I'm not sure really. Personally, that feels like setting myself a trap. I don't want more emotional tethers here. I do agree though. I don't like the thought of hurting others just because it made us feel better for a bit.

For sure, the thing is I feel like no one could ever like me, cause I am a piece of shit. But I was like you about ten years ago I told myself I have been alone all my life, I am fine by myself I don't need anyone. But now I have started to really feel alone for about 2 or 3 years, and want to be with someone, honestly more romantically than having friends. I am really bad at socializing IDK if it's my ADHD, I have been told I could be autistic, but I was never tested and honestly idk if I am. I have a lot of anger and this belief that no one would ever love. The CTB thing is also true.

 

[donttalktome]

My depression was simmering and growing for a decade until it became so unbearable i voluntarily ended up in a mental hospital where they scammed me out of a fortune and said they can't help me. This lead to my financial and physical health ruin, my whole life collapsed because of the mental health system. So I don't know what to tell you, but be careful about what you do, especially with your money.

 

[idelttoilfsadness21]

For sure, the thing is I feel like no one could ever like me, cause I am a piece of shit. But I was like you about ten years ago I told myself I have been alone all my life, I am fine by myself I don't need anyone. But now I have started to really feel alone for about 2 or 3 years, and want to be with someone, honestly more romantically than having friends. I am really bad at socializing IDK if it's my ADHD, I have been told I could be autistic, but I was never tested and honestly idk if I am. I have a lot of anger and this belief that no one would ever love. The CTB thing is also true.

I didn't see your post a day ago... Which is odd as I usually scroll the forum. I want to share I relate to loneliness, and like with what @Forever Sleep said, I definitely resonate with that, but I always had a hard time completely isolating from people, because you shared you relate to wanting to have company and intimacy... I am a reserved soul by nature, and even as an introvert, I have socialized, but I have been hurt, yet I have tried self isolating, and it has made me more dependent on people, because its been a lot of fear I've had to engage in. I am saying this because that feeling is very rare to most people, because intimacy is something lost in this world, and if you recognize that, that doesn't mean you are alone in this feeling, and like some others have shared, growing out of your shell helps, but oddly, that fear to step out of your comfort zone when narcissism is so normalized is quite often than not the reality of harm to our psyche, and by how you clearly state you want a romantic partner, it seems you fear both being rejected by your performance, your personality, your soul, your essence, and your ability to find someone who sees you, like how most of us are here, because we were brought down by darkness with no one to aid us in our struggle. I wish to share your story reminds me of my ex boyfriend, and that I loved him... and its very possible, you will find someone who will accept you, but it will be a long journey, especially as most kind people are surprisingly so rare and are struggling themselves, so dont give up when you see someone struggling, but equally take your time to slowly build that strength. I truly hope you find your ability to understand we are all pieces of shit, and you are okay <3