Venting I am a coward.

[onbekend]

I don't ordinarily vent. But right now I feel it's the only option I have, Though I have nobody to really talk to except this forum. I do nothing but sit on my computer or lay in my bed all day doing nothing.

Everyday I tell myself "I'll CTB next week" then the next week rolls around and the cycle repeats itself. Everything is like this. I am so far behind on everything, and I kept telling myself that I'll do what it takes to improve my life, but it never happens because I am a coward.
I try to take up hobbies, but every time I do I fail and I lose any motivation to continue on even with the simplest things.

I can put the blame on random stuff all I want. I can say that it's because of me wanting to tie up any loose ends or because I can't afford to die just yet, but realistically speaking none of that shit matters if you die. The truth is that I can't bring myself to do it. I am too much of a pussy to do it.
I feel as if nothing will end my embarrassment of an existence.

It's all down hill, Everyday a voice comes in my head telling me to end it all to prevent myself from slipping even farther down this hill, to not prolong the inevitable. Then my impulses to survive kick in and prevent me from doing so. I feel nothing but disgust at my own instincts for keeping me alive this long. I truly envy the people who see good in the world.

 

[LoiteringClouds]

Hello @onbekend,

I'm so sorry to hear how you are feeling. Feeling like a coward is really depressing because it means you can't complete CTB'ing and you'll continue to be tortured by a cruel fate. You feel like trapped here I guess.

But please know that you're not alone - I'm postponing my CTB'ing indefinitely and my excuse is that if I killed my body then my imaginary friends would be killed, too.

I don't know how childish, pathetic and delusional this thinking is - it's merely a paraphrase of my cowardice. "Imaginary friends" simply doesn't exist! I just don't want to go through painful death.

I hope your days will be a bit less unbearable, if possible

 

[UKscotty]

You are not alone, I think if the vast majority here on SS were honest, it would be the same.

Overcoming the brains overwhelming desire to live is almost impossible which is why only like 0.1% of people die by CTB.

I am over 25 years into a journey like you, some days want to CTB more than anything, then like you, a new hobby or something for a week.

I think as long as we keep being honest about it then everyone understands.

The only ones who are frauds in my view are those who are always going on about CTB and nothing else but yet never CTB despite all life being pointless. Those are the trolls to avoid.

 

[Zany]

You're not a coward for being honest, most people probably feel the same way, me included. It's frustrating, knowing you want to end it, but procrastinating everytime you start planning. It makes me wonder how long it could take to reach a tipping point where you're fed up enough not to feel the primal need to survive. So as disgusted as you may feel with it, I don't think you should put the blame on yourself. It's just the nature of living beings