N
noname223
Angelic
- Aug 18, 2020
- 4,995
I am a person with huge anxiety. I am so scared about my future. There are so many things that frighten me. I ruminate every single day. The sorrows are overwhelming me. There is this saying: "Hope for the best, prepare for the worst". Often when I talk with my parents they say I am ruminating way too much. I am almost every single day in a state of panic. I am so scared about so many developments which I barely can influence and problems I don't know how to solve.
There was this extremely smart person I once met in the clinic. The smartest guy I have ever met. He told me you can't predict life. Life can't be fully planned there often happen things you never ever thought of. He was kind of right. Many things happened I would never have expected. Also positive things.
I would have betted a lot of money against it.
Though it is also true that myself 10 years ago never would have imagined to experience this extreme pain and desperation. Like I would not even have known that people can experience pain in this extreme way I had to endure. It was unimaginable. Maybe my conclusion should be life is really kind of a surprising experience. I still think I have to kill myself. But I try to be more agnostic about some things. Like being 100% certain about things is not really rational.
I am often asking myself what a bias I currently have. Is it a negative or positive shift in thinking? My therapist is optimistic about my life. I think he thinks I am pretty savvy how to solve my problems and I am pretty good at handling it. It is true I am extremely disciplined and this is a real asset. Though it is true my illness usually proceeeds in circles and I prepare myself to kill myself in case the extreme psychosomatic pain returns. There are many variables which are quite hidden or unclear. They make it pretty hard to give a prediction. If I think about the past decade I am shocked what everything happened. Most of the time was pretty hellish. Though I think it was a very smart decision to start taking meds. Probably I could have avoided some of my pain if I took them earlier.
But if the past will repeat similarly I don't think I will survive for a long time. I think my dangerous behavior will increase the longer this better life-quality period holds on. I will become careless. I am smart enough to analyze that. I think if I make a big mistake like getting a new manic epsiode I probably kill myself, Or I will have to take a huge break. Like 1-3 years of not doing productive work. I think rationally the odds are clearly against me. But I should not lose hope fully. I am determined to fight till the bitter end. I have my limits and red lines. I am pretty anxious but I try to learn from my past mistakes. The pressure is insane. The pressure I am doing to myself is insane and inhuman. This stems from my abuse. Yeah my head is pretty fucked.
There was this extremely smart person I once met in the clinic. The smartest guy I have ever met. He told me you can't predict life. Life can't be fully planned there often happen things you never ever thought of. He was kind of right. Many things happened I would never have expected. Also positive things.
I would have betted a lot of money against it.
Though it is also true that myself 10 years ago never would have imagined to experience this extreme pain and desperation. Like I would not even have known that people can experience pain in this extreme way I had to endure. It was unimaginable. Maybe my conclusion should be life is really kind of a surprising experience. I still think I have to kill myself. But I try to be more agnostic about some things. Like being 100% certain about things is not really rational.
I am often asking myself what a bias I currently have. Is it a negative or positive shift in thinking? My therapist is optimistic about my life. I think he thinks I am pretty savvy how to solve my problems and I am pretty good at handling it. It is true I am extremely disciplined and this is a real asset. Though it is true my illness usually proceeeds in circles and I prepare myself to kill myself in case the extreme psychosomatic pain returns. There are many variables which are quite hidden or unclear. They make it pretty hard to give a prediction. If I think about the past decade I am shocked what everything happened. Most of the time was pretty hellish. Though I think it was a very smart decision to start taking meds. Probably I could have avoided some of my pain if I took them earlier.
But if the past will repeat similarly I don't think I will survive for a long time. I think my dangerous behavior will increase the longer this better life-quality period holds on. I will become careless. I am smart enough to analyze that. I think if I make a big mistake like getting a new manic epsiode I probably kill myself, Or I will have to take a huge break. Like 1-3 years of not doing productive work. I think rationally the odds are clearly against me. But I should not lose hope fully. I am determined to fight till the bitter end. I have my limits and red lines. I am pretty anxious but I try to learn from my past mistakes. The pressure is insane. The pressure I am doing to myself is insane and inhuman. This stems from my abuse. Yeah my head is pretty fucked.