How would you feel if you found out dying hurt less than your pain?

[Lavender Dreams]

Let's say you attempted, seriously enough and changed your mind last minute. Received help, but unsure why you reached out in the first place, if nothing truly changed. You have an alternative option in front of you that is a question mark and provides no guarantee of recovery. However, what you do know, is that the extreme pain that you suffered from intermittently for years hurts more than the process of dying.

How would you feel? Would you hold on to the hope or reattempt?

I had been very much struggling with this knowledge, and it's difficult to be around people. To act like this never happened. At times I almost feel like I walk among the living, but no longer belong. It's overwhelming yet I can't say a word.

 

[QueerMelancholy]

You can be filled with hope and still be depressed and suicidal.

We're not all the same person. We deal with things differently. Just like how many depressed people are not suicidal. A lot of depressed people are high functioning. Memes make jokes about depression and suicide but a lot of people don't kill themselves.

Anyway back on topic. Take it day to day. Hope is what keeps everyone going. Hope is what keeps people from killing themselves. Sure a lot of suicidal people say they have no hope but really they do have hope. It's there. Most people want to be saved. They want to be happy. They don't want to suffer. They hope for better days and an end to the misery.

Hope has kept me going. So have spite, and malice, and other things like fear. Until my last breath I will have some hope inside me. It'll be there with all the other emotions and thoughts that rattle around in my head.

Hope isn't weakness. Wanting to end your life isn't a weakness. Life is hard. Living is hard. Every day you get up and fight the world is hard. There is no guarantee for anything really. The best you can do is weigh the odds for success against failure and hope luck is on your side.

TL;DR I still have hope. My hope doesn't completely disappear just because I'm suicidal. Nothing is guaranteed. Life is hard. The only person who can decide what's best for you is you.