Mmmm @Xerxes "I'm going to ride my bike on the trails. " You may have inspired me to live past this hellish Holy-day that's turned into sacrilege to enjoy another bike ride in a less hilly place than western nc. I would so ride my bike if it weren't 30 degrees and I didn't have to risk serious injury flying down these too steep hills. Or if I had the vitality to drive. Too steep for me to trust in my abilities as I've been stuck inside and haven't biked so have grown fearful.
I think I feel better being on this site at home alone with a cat then I ever could be with my crazy family. They really aren't that bad, they just remind me too much of capitalism, consumerism, and the insanity that is the american cult.
I was semi-okay having gotten through loneliness of last night since I finally let the neighbors kitten sleep with me, (which I never do as she'll wake me or lay on me and stuff, I swear it brings up all kinds of human relationship issues.) Then I awoke realizing it was 12/24, and I was so utterly alone and would be. And ouch, what a desperate feeling... but this cat really is fucking cool, and is probably the closest connection I could have. I'm sad I have to leave her in a few days as it's too cold in Nc to be in an unheated tiny house, and she's not 'my' cat, so I might not see her again. Especially as I might just tighten this tourniquet and call it a lifetime. I don't mean to write so much, I just start, and then notice I've written perhaps an annoying amount, or am 'off-topic' but I think, well, it may be helpful, and if it is not, I apologize, it's helpful for me to express my thoughts to help break the suicidal trance state of mind. I might tune into one of my fave podcasts 'the mental illness happy hour', always good for a laugh, and support.
