Venting How to stop the shame?

[longpig]

I feel so fucking disgusting every time I eat anything at all
I've dealt with disordered eating my entire life but in the past year and a half it's been so bad, it hasn't been this bad since I was in middle school but now I can't help but feel shame and disgusted anytime I eat anything

I try to limit myself to under 900 cal a day but I can't help but feel like ending it all anytime I eat anything, I feel so disgusting I hate this so fucking much. I want to cry anytime someone calls me skinny or small because I know they're lying to me, but then I feel so stupid all over again for having these feelings
Today I had a bagel, grapes and a few mini pizza bagels and I feel disgusting I'm going to purge in a few minutes to get rid of it all but I feel so embarrassed that I even ate that much. I'd be better as a corpse, maybe then I could be happy. I wouldn't have to be so sad anymore, so ashamed

I'm so ungrateful I'm so selfish I'm so awful to my core and instead of appreciating what I have I just worry every day about what I look like and it doesn't even fucking matter because I'm alone at the end of the day anyways so who am I even trying to impress? Myself? I don't know anymore

How do I stop feeling like this? How do I feel normal again? How do I be happy? I'm so sorry, I know this is so stupid this is so pathetic and I'm so embarrassed but hopefully someone understands
I have nobody, I have nothing

 

[Slark]

I started a diet a few months ago and consuming 1600 calories is already awful for me, so I imagine 900 calories is very difficult to achieve. What is your weight and height? (sorry if this is too personal). I hope things get better.