How to stay calm before ctb

[justwannadip]

How do you guys stay calm and not have intense anxiety or pain when thinking about ctb and the possibility that your brain may keep you here? I don't mean when you're about to ctb, which is a whole different level of mindset, but I mean the days, and weeks before? And for those who don't have a planned ctb date, how do you reconcile with facing the world in the meantime? How do you come to terms with death and resisting the ego's will to live? As much as I'd like to believe in reincarnation or that we all will experience different lives as a collective conscience, it just feels like our ego or our unique experience is all we will ever be able to experience. That being said if we're in so much pain it shouldn't really matter. But thinking about it is still hard.

Every moment is so painful for me, and browsing the forum and getting the necessary supplies for the method only brings so much comfort before my brain naturally, as it loves to do, torments me further with "you know you're not going to do it" "you're gonna have to deal with all these issues" "you're just distracting yourself" etc. Then all the intrusive thoughts, constant triggers and intense emotional pain is so much louder. My brain won't be convinced that I'll ctb until I actually do it, as with everything else in my life. Having a relentless inner critic, OCD and BPD is a fucked combo and they feed off each other and will continue to torment me until I ctb. They all need to die with me, but the irony is that while they are the reason I want to die, the OCD and anxiety also plays a role in keeping me alive through fear.

 

[Placo]

I too have noticed that OCD and anxiety favor SI, even depression could ironically do so.

OCD does this by giving me disturbing images of my dead body, anxiety clearly from fear of pain and death, and depression making me think I'm going to end up in an even more depressing dark and boring place.

Obviously these are all things to overcome and I'm working on them, fighting them is necessary both to live and to do CTB.

However, to stay calm before CTB you could use tranquilizers, if you have them.

 

[trs]

We are here to live with a full range of emotions and experiences, including anxiety, and pain is often one of them. Remember we all choose much of the path we are on, even though we sometimes didn't realize how difficult it would be, or other circumstances threw things of course. You have to be present with you emotions and not try to repress it because that will make things overall even worse. Look into mindfulness. Exiting should be reserved for those who have lived a fairly long life and are now in a place where the physical prospects of what they face in their body is not likely to get better or will cause more suffering with time.
If you are relatively young and still somewhat healthy, there are still many possibilities that one can still find or experience that will change their current path. This is something that should only be considered after a very long struggle (many, many years to decades) of trying and doing many different things or whose course is progressively worsening after a while. If you are young, I would encourage you to keep working through the issues before considering exiting.

 

[ninfanatic]

How do you guys stay calm and not have intense anxiety or pain when thinking about ctb and the possibility that your brain may keep you here? I don't mean when you're about to ctb, which is a whole different level of mindset, but I mean the days, and weeks before? And for those who don't have a planned ctb date, how do you reconcile with facing the world in the meantime? How do you come to terms with death and resisting the ego's will to live? As much as I'd like to believe in reincarnation or that we all will experience different lives as a collective conscience, it just feels like our ego or our unique experience is all we will ever be able to experience. That being said if we're in so much pain it shouldn't really matter. But thinking about it is still hard.

Every moment is so painful for me, and browsing the forum and getting the necessary supplies for the method only brings so much comfort before my brain naturally, as it loves to do, torments me further with "you know you're not going to do it" "you're gonna have to deal with all these issues" "you're just distracting yourself" etc. Then all the intrusive thoughts, constant triggers and intense emotional pain is so much louder. My brain won't be convinced that I'll ctb until I actually do it, as with everything else in my life. Having a relentless inner critic, OCD and BPD is a fucked combo and they feed off each other and will continue to torment me until I ctb. They all need to die with me, but the irony is that while they are the reason I want to die, the OCD and anxiety also plays a role in keeping me alive through fear.

This entireparagraph. Wow. I really thought I was alone in feeling this way. It drives a person almost to complete madness when the brain gives you so many reasons to want to die but tries to keep you here anyway for more torment. Do you feel like it's separate from yourself too? I also have BPD and OCD as you do. Just a nightmare. I empathize with you on that, it feels like I'm going crazy.

My Plan B. if starving fails is a lot of weed, as relaxing of a place I can get (wherever that is, maybe with some music), SN after getting high, & then laying down. Substances, depending on how much you take of them respectively, can drown out the human inhibition.

 

[justwannadip]

This entireparagraph. Wow. I really thought I was alone in feeling this way. It drives a person almost to complete madness when the brain gives you so many reasons to want to die but tries to keep you here anyway for more torment. Do you feel like it's separate from yourself too? I also have BPD and OCD as you do. Just a nightmare. I empathize with you on that, it feels like I'm going crazy.

My Plan B. if starving fails is a lot of weed, as relaxing of a place I can get (wherever that is, maybe with some music), SN after getting high, & then laying down. Substances, depending on how much you take of them respectively, can drown out the human inhibition.

I'm glad you resonated, but I'm sorry you also understand. Yes, I responded to another comment u made on another post, but I've always felt like the observer of a painful and everlasting trainwreck. My disorders are very much separate in the sense where I know my thinking and feeling is disordered and my pain is unrelenting and abnormally constantly intense. I'm fully aware of my dysfunctional thinking, urges, feelings and actions. But there's ao many mountains that I can't climb, and my brain lacks a working compass. I've been broken, no one made me that, I've just been dysfunctional for as long as I can remember. You can't fix a broken brain with a broken brain. I could go on and on.

Still, somehow, I hope things can get a little better, but it seems im nearing its end. And this may be unlike you, but I'm terrified, and I wish my life didn't have to end this way. I really want to live a life worth living, but this isn't living man, its hell, and a soul can only take so much burning before it can't go on. I hope you can find some peace in life, but if not, at least you won't experience suffering once dead. Its a horrible place to be in when absolute nothingness and no experience, is a better alternative than experience at all.