I'm sorry that there are so many posts like this on SS. I always wonder how people who are terminal must feel reading them.
speachless
i know its easy to say " fight for your mental health, you are physical healthy, change your life, get your ass up, you can get well if you want, leave all the mess behind, do what you want to get happy and so" if you never had a real mental illness or really bad depression for a long time or your life, but thats all i can say
I had also depressed episodes and didnt know how to go on, struggled with money, struggles with studying or with jobs, struggled with selfesteem sometimes but i never gave up. Sure i had a lot of friends and family who suppurted me, gave me strengh, that was true wealth. But the time i really was happy 1,5 years ago, my health went downhill. And every day is a nightmare and its only getting worse.
It seems i have ALS, i have pain, i get weaker, i get really problems with walking a few metres, holding upright, keeping the head up, even breathing ( yeah you never knew that your muscles keep you breathing), swallowing.
I cant really sleep at night cause of breathing and because my bones and ancles ache while im laying on them.
I struggle everyday to get through the day, just to relive the same nightmare the next day
No more loved sports, no more techno parties, no more going out with friends, no more doing fun things, no more " oh today i do this and this", no more activities, no more feeling calm, no more beeing happy, no more normal life, no more helping other people, no more working, no more spending good times with loved ones
I just turned 34
I am just laying here, watching fucking netflix and want to cry the whole day, cause of pain,,cause of discomfort fear, thoughts of loved one leaving behind, thoughts of how my mother and father will suffer when im gone and how they suffer right now.
Its one thing to die, we all have to although we try to denie it and swipe it away, but not with this suffering, not this style, and not at the age of 34 or 35.
As you get old you deal with death and probably get another attitude to it when you are 80+
Im not prepared for all this.
And another thing is having C´s N 2 metres away from me, its considered the gold standard for CTB
But hey there are the toughts of how will it be, is it really working, and I WANT TO LIVE, LIVE,LIVE ,LIVE
So really I just want to slap everybodies face who wants to get a terminal illness.
Like i said before: Pray for me that i can get your health and you can get (my) ill(ness)