Help How to get rid of hope?

[ironrain]

Subconsciously I still hope for my dreams to come true. Sometimes I wonder if I'm delusional or just stupid for that. But either way I know rationally that I'll not have what I want. So what's the point in dealing with daily life, shitty people, dirty dishes for mediocrity? Though it's probably going to be worse than mediocre. I just need to get rid of hope.

 

[Worndown]

Dig into the news every morning.

 

[ironrain]

Dig into the news every morning.

Thank you for the lifehack. Might as well watch some true crime before bed.

 

[Forever Sleep]

For me- it was living long enough to figure out the things I most hoped for and sometimes achieved weren't worth the effort I put in to get them.

 

[HopeIess]

Nietzsche once said "Hope, in reality, is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man." and there is nothing truer than this...

btw if you still have hope maybe that hope is not a negative thing, maybe you can still do something to change your life, think about that before committing the desperate act.

 

[ironrain]

Nietzsche once said "Hope, in reality, is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man." and there is nothing truer than this...

btw if you still have hope maybe that hope is not a negative thing, maybe you can still do something to change your life, think about that before committing the desperate act.

Fucking will to live, I hate it.

I'm stupid and I struggle with assessing most of things, maybe that's why I think about me dying as if about buying tomatoes in a grocery store. In reality I've never been really close to death, so I can't tell for sure if I want to die or not.

It's not a negative thing. But for me... I don't know. I feel like I've already ruined my life. For example, by having people out there who dislike me for legit reasons. Also I've made so many mistakes and wronged some people. Making mistakes is human but I can't live with that. I just keep making them. And I want everything perfect.

And the most entitled thing: I don't want just any life. I think some would dream of life like mine. And here I am complaining. But it's either entitlement or maladaptive daydreaming since like 11 melted my brain, because reality just seems pretty bleak. Good graphics, you can have cool stuff if you're a whale, terrible gameplay and I hate my skin and my stats. My delusions and my terrible art keep me alive.

 

[HopeIess]

And the most entitled thing: I don't want just any life. I think some would dream of life like mine. And here I am complaining. But it's either entitlement or maladaptive daydreaming since like 11 melted my brain, because reality just seems pretty bleak. Good graphics, you can have cool stuff if you're a whale, terrible gameplay and I hate my skin and my stats. My delusions and my terrible art keep me alive.

i suffer from maladaptive daydreaming as well, its always has been a way to cope with loneliness and lack of friendships because of my (supposed, cause i dont have a diagnosis) autism, so i understand you.

 

[ironrain]

i suffer from maladaptive daydreaming as well, its always has been a way to cope with loneliness and lack of friendships because of my (supposed, cause i dont have a diagnosis) autism, so i understand you.

Are you me. I might also have autism. I remember discovering maladaptive daydreaming for the first time and for little me it felt like, idk, discovering fire.

 

[purebliss]

Survival Instinct is a bitch.
It is highly irrational and makes no sense at all. Clinging to hope that is just not there.

I am "lucky" enough that my psychosis from time to time completely shuts my survival instinct down and actually even embraces the thought about exiting with an euphoric feeling.
Currently just waiting for another wave of it so I can finally leave this miserable existence behind. I want to go, but I just can't.

So it is a race of time for me now.
From this day onward I started to fully isolate myself now no longer texting anyone.
Starting the regimen, no longer eating and just getting ready.
Looking at old memories, long gone.
Listening to incredibly sad music and doing everything in my power to force that psychotic wave to rush over me.
I just let fate decide for me now at this point. I make myself as miserable as possible and see if I can get over the tipping point again.

What comes first. That long awaited psychotic episode or the date I will go into the mental hospital. Who knows. At this point I am open for both but still prefer the former to be honest.

 

[ironrain]

Survival Instinct is a bitch.
It is highly irrational and makes no sense at all. Clinging to hope that is just not there.

I am "lucky" enough that my psychosis from time to time completely shuts my survival instinct down and actually even embraces the thought about exiting with an euphoric feeling.
Currently just waiting for another wave of it so I can finally leave this miserable existence behind. I want to go, but I just can't.

So it is a race of time for me now.
From this day onward I started to fully isolate myself now no longer texting anyone.
Starting the regimen, no longer eating and just getting ready.
Looking at old memories, long gone.
Listening to incredibly sad music and doing everything in my power to force that psychotic wave to rush over me.
I just let fate decide for me now at this point. I make myself as miserable as possible and see if I can get over the tipping point again.

What comes first. That long awaited psychotic episode or the date I will go into the mental hospital. Who knows. At this point I am open for both but still prefer the former to be honest.

I hope that you'll do the right thing and find peace. The right thing is whatever feels right without doubt, in my opinion. For me, nothing feels right. I wish I had mental health issues so I could have a psychosis too and end it all quickly but it is what it is, I guess.

Though when I start really digging into what I feel and thinking logically, I see no point in dying. Which makes me want to die because it means I wasted a day on another meltdown caused by nothing, just me being silly. Merry-go-round of life and death.

 

[purebliss]

I hope that you'll do the right thing and find peace. The right thing is whatever feels right without doubt, in my opinion. For me, nothing feels right. I wish I had mental health issues so I could have a psychosis too and end it all quickly but it is what it is, I guess.

Though when I start really digging into what I feel and thinking logically, I see no point in dying. Which makes me want to die because it means I wasted a day on another meltdown caused by nothing, just me being silly. Merry-go-round of life and death.

But doesn't the very fact that you think about dying without any apparent issue mean that you yourself have psychosis as well?

I hope that you'll do the right thing and find peace. The right thing is whatever feels right without doubt, in my opinion. For me, nothing feels right. I wish I had mental health issues so I could have a psychosis too and end it all quickly but it is what it is, I guess.

Though when I start really digging into what I feel and thinking logically, I see no point in dying. Which makes me want to die because it means I wasted a day on another meltdown caused by nothing, just me being silly. Merry-go-round of life and death.

And no feeling of yours is invalid :>
Whatever you feel is what you feel.

You are not being "silly"

 

[sickofeverything]

Subconsciously I still hope for my dreams to come true. Sometimes I wonder if I'm delusional or just stupid for that. But either way I know rationally that I'll not have what I want. So what's the point in dealing with daily life, shitty people, dirty dishes for mediocrity? Though it's probably going to be worse than mediocre. I just need to get rid of hope.

every now and then I feel hope, like maybe one more day and things will turn around, then I think of how long people have thought that with the trump admin and nothing's getting better, all the good people who did nothing wrong and got brutally killed (the woman who filled divorce and her soon to be ex killed her for it), other life things. Even if I get the turn around I want the rest of things suck, the gov, etc. but even then I get your plight, the human mind is annoying with si and the will to live.

 

[ironrain]

But doesn't the very fact that you think about dying without any apparent issue mean that you yourself have psychosis as well?

And no feeling of yours is invalid :>
Whatever you feel is what you feel.

You are not being "silly"

Idk, it feels so normal.

But thank you. I'm really bad with words. So just thank you. But I'm really silly. I once cried over not having skin undertone I want.

Okay, I need to stop oversharing lol.

 

[purebliss]

Jup! And that is where the psychosis lies :D
You think that how you feel is a normal. If you do not actively know that you are psychotic you don't even realize it. Your reality is warped and twisted and you think that your current feeling is the correct one ^^

Hey man. Don't worry about oversharing. I have written my entire life story down here on this forum xD
All because I know I will never meet anyone here (except the two ex-ctb mates I had) and because people here are actually able to feel your pain and are sympathetic and empathetic with your situation
Probably no better forum to "overshare" than this one :3

 

[ironrain]

every now and then I feel hope, like maybe one more day and things will turn around, then I think of how long people have thought that with the trump admin and nothing's getting better, all the good people who did nothing wrong and got brutally killed (the woman who filled divorce and her soon to be ex killed her for it), other life things. Even if I get the turn around I want the rest of things suck, the gov, etc. but even then I get your plight, the human mind is annoying with si and the will to live.

My thoughts about this are all over the place aaaaaa This world is cooked though. I prefer not to think about this or else I'll have another existential crisis with infinite loops of what is good and what is bad.

 

[sickofeverything]

My thoughts about this are all over the place aaaaaa This world is cooked though. I prefer not to think about this or else I'll have another existential crisis with infinite loops of what is good and what is bad.

Really? It makes me feel better about leaving, if everything is going to shit then there's no point of staying and trying. It seems the only way to be happy is to be wealthy and to be wealthy most people have to be corrupt and align themselves with bad people and I don't want to do that, I'd want to be wealthy without the evilness and that seems to be very rare. The only thing that gets me is if it is all going to shit, if there will be a nuclear war and we all die in a bombing then maybe I should just wait and be taken out, but then I could survive the blast and be worse off so maybe better to do it myself? Just circles again and again which is so annoying. Apparently there was another mass shooting yesterday? Idk, it's so bad and seems to be getting worse, I only feel bad for my cats because if they do love me and are bonded with me they won't understand what happened and I don't want to hurt them but I know my family will take good care of them

 

[ironrain]

Jup! And that is where the psychosis lies :D
You think that how you feel is a normal. If you do not actively know that you are psychotic you don't even realize it. Your reality is warped and twisted and you think that your current feeling is the correct one ^^

Hey man. Don't worry about oversharing. I have written my entire life story down here on this forum xD
All because I know I will never meet anyone here (except the two ex-ctb mates I had) and because people here are actually able to feel your pain and are sympathetic and empathetic with your situation
Probably no better forum to "overshare" than this one :3

I don't think what I sometimes feel is a psychosis. But I'll go to a therapist and figure everything out. There's a lot to unpack, I think, but my brain just goes "If it's not something serious, therapy — no no". Idk why, I'm just weird.

Thank you for understanding. This forum is really refreshing. Well, especially for someone like me who's been recently talking only to AIs because I don't trust real people in my life lol. ChatGPT makes me want to commit robotocide with it's answers.

Really? It makes me feel better about leaving, if everything is going to shit then there's no point of staying and trying. It seems the only way to be happy is to be wealthy and to be wealthy most people have to be corrupt and align themselves with bad people and I don't want to do that, I'd want to be wealthy without the evilness and that seems to be very rare. The only thing that gets me is if it is all going to shit, if there will be a nuclear war and we all die in a bombing then maybe I should just wait and be taken out, but then I could survive the blast and be worse off so maybe better to do it myself? Just circles again and again which is so annoying. Apparently there was another mass shooting yesterday? Idk, it's so bad and seems to be getting worse, I only feel bad for my cats because if they do love me and are bonded with me they won't understand what happened and I don't want to hurt them but I know my family will take good care of them

I completely agree. You're not the only one who wants to be wealthy but not through corruption or doing something bad. I'd like that too but that door is closed for me because my interests are complete opposite of what you can get money with. And marrying isn't an option either because what's the point of marrying wealthy if he's probably going to turn out to be a bad person? I believe even in perfect world being wealthy is an exception, not a rule. But in perfect world being normal would be good, enough. In this world being average isn't enough in literally anything. Especially money.

The thing that keeps me alive and doubting is my SI and my art. Two absolutely irrational things. Survival instinct pisses me off. And my art genuinely sucks for a 20 year old but I just can't let my characters die with me. I can literally imagine my family suffering because of my death and still fantasize of death. But someone coming up with a fictional world like mine and making manga about it earlier? I'd get out of my grave. So, yeah... The cats detail is touching though. I now imagined i might never see our dog and ngl, that made me sad. He's such a sunshine. I treated him badly too... Not played with him when he wanted... Damn...

 

[pelicanportal]

Don't do anything until all hope is gone. It will make it easier.

 

[Deepdense]

Truly losing all hope is not really common due to our mind's ability to cope with situations. It is one of the most miserable things you can go through and I don't suggest it as a motivator for suicide.

 

[Nolongerlive]

You don't have to do anything.
You are currently in the process already. Just that you are not aware of it.

 

[annointed_towers]

I don't think you can force yourself to stop hoping, hope goes away on its own.

To truly be utterly hopeless is perhaps rare. I think most people find something to live for, some kind of distraction, able to make some meaning, find some worth, value. Even parents of dependent children kill themselves. People with families who love them. Very successful people, personally and professionally. Not always mental pathology, but a kind of calculus. Unfortunately some parents take their children with them. That may be pathology, or another form of calculus that is quite sad. "Who will care for them if I'm not here?" Adoption and foster care aren't always great alternatives. Safety nets and systems leave vulerable people behind. The weak, the small. Not justifying them, of course not, just speculating what might be going on there. Others may be in psychosis, delusional. Or just .. evil. And where does evil come from? Is it not something more complex, or perhaps more simple? Some disorder of the brain? Is it extreme ego, narcissism, selfishness, sadism? Who knows. Our brains are entire worlds that make meaning and decisions below our conscious level.

You can reach a point where hope leaves. Not just hope for yourself, but for all humanity. For life, the world, and decide there's no place for you in it or you don't want one.

Where suffering is no longer able to be endured, or some intolerable condition, no narrative or story about life or our own life can me made that we can accept. Pain that is intolerable, unendurable. Isolation, loss of identity, ability, any kind of efficacy, agency. Hope.

That's me as a disabled person in terrible pain. Who endures, not lives. Who has thought about this non stop for the past few years since becoming disabled, since developing pain.

But there's a point where hope is irrational.

I suppose it's subjective. There's no baseline, no depth to reach. Just a conclusion you reach, and like life we have different stopping points, different times when we are done, that may differ from someone else.

Time will tell.

For me, I don't hate myself, I love myself. I feel compassion and empathy for myself, even for the world and all people. Including people who hurt me. But I am hopeless, there is nothing to hope for that I can actually have, hold, do, be. Nothing to look forward to, barely anything to look at. Just this.

I don't even have survival instinct. I neglect myself, my surroundings, but I'm also constrained by energy, weakness and pain. I drink fluids, go to the bathroom, graze on food, sleep when it comes. But I have no illusion of a better life. I can imagine one, but I can distinguish between hope and a dream, a fantasy. A wishful thought.

Unfortunately, I'm only here still because I don't know how not to be. I have no method available to me, though I'll keep trying to figure it out.