How to get close friends/family?

[Kall]

I never had trusted people in my life: no family, no close friends. It's something that I struggled with during all my life, and I don't know how to get this kind of people. I've already done so much to get better so far but it feels like I improved only on the surface (social skills, health, career,...), and the emotional hole that is inside me is still wide open.

I just wanted to ask: to those who got close friends/chosen family during their life, how did you managed to create such a bond?

 

[Life_and_Death]

i personally havent found it within blood family.

but the very very few people i have found it in well they have bpd so we click through relating.
and im pretty sure thats typically a good place to start. maybe not mental health similarities, but hobbies/interests. i hope to make some friends after i move that relate on a spiritual level, but we'll see. different things like that

 

[mango-meridian]

Watching because I have the same question.

I know plenty of people with fulfilling social lives. But none that were unfulfilled until some point in adulthood and then managed to turn things around. There's gotta be a way.

 

[-nobodyknows-]

I really need to figure this out too. I do significantly better when I have someone I can lean on but I tend to be too much to handle. If I can't find that… I will probably end up ctb

 

[alienfreak]

I managed to make a close friend for the first time after almost 30 years of feeling completely alone. The way I see it is that im a very weird person and the friendship works with him only because he is weird too and it was a miracle to find him. There are all sorts of people out there and perhaps you just need to find the right one, basically like dating. This still doesnt provide a solution, because I dont know how to find these people, and i only managed to do it once out of sheer luck.

 

[Somethingswrong]

At first I wasn't close with my blood family, I never talked to them much if at all and we all hated each other. When there was some space for us to breath I just started to talk to them and slowly one by one my sisters started talking back. It takes work and dedication to have any kind of relationship with anyone and as long as you can get past the awkwardness of the beginning you can get close the longer you talk to them and hang out with them the closer you'll grow.

 

[Hero Remeer]

Good question, I haven't thought about it much in my life
Friendships usually take up a lot of time, and therefore throughout life that complicates things a bit because we are increasingly busy, with study, work and other activities, that on a general level, continuing with that idea, are you willing to invest a lot of time in your life in it? I ask you because I know someone who wants to meet people, but has no interest in worrying about maintaining the friendship.
Thinking about "close friends", it would be good to delve into the meaning that you give to that, well what would be close? spending time together, talking about deep things? that can even happen in general conversations, the issue I think is about sharing painful experiences and being there in disposition, and that also applies to one, to be there when that person is bad, but also to have your own limits so that there is no abuse, in the end knowing how to live with yourself.
We could be close through this forum, I would like to chat and meet people here, hopefully one day I will reach the number of posts so we can chat.
I'm sorry to be so vague, but I had never questioned it, I'll have to think about it more and talk about it more
Regards, be well

 

[FadingSentinel]

It can be difficult depending on your situation, at the moment I am kind of lucky and manage to meet new people thanks to following exisiting friends to events they like to go to, and getting in contact with other people that way. But if that wouldn't be an option for me I would probably go to events or hobby related places i like to go to. For example i have been getting into plants a bit this past year, I have gone to an plant expo just to see the exotic stuff people had but ended up having a few fun chats as well. The other thing I could do is look for some plant related volunteering projects. That way you can meet new people and you'll already have something you have in common.

After meeting someone and feeling a bit of a click it's all about staying in contact and trying to meet up now and again (honestly the part I am worst at) from that point on it will mostly progress naturally.

I hope this helps somewhat, and keep in mind you're not going to be able to have a click with everyone and becoming close friends does take time.

 

[Mirrory Me]

I wonder if it's any use to adopt a dog- or some other pet. Taking care of something brings more carrying and responsible aspects of people. You have to feed something, otherwise it will die (and so on.) However I wonder if they are too wild to socialize with people.

 

[justpathetic]

I wonder if it's any use to adopt a dog- or some other pet. Taking care of something brings more carrying and responsible aspects of people. You have to feed something, otherwise it will die (and so on.) However I wonder if they are too wild to socialize with people.

Pets are great but do require responsibility. They can also be quite expensive. If you don't have a lot of experience and or money I'd go with a small pet. Since pet med are cheaper for lighter pets.

 

[wren-briar]

This is a really long post that covers

• how I met and have maintained several important friendships,
• made many other friends over the years,
• how unneeded MH care actually deprived me of these friendships when I needed them more than ever,
• and suggestions on finding "your people".

---

I'm lucky that my mom did genuinely try to be there for me, but some subjects, including anything related to death, were verboten topics.

Likewise, I'm lucky to have a mostly supportive sibling. We have a shitload that we can't stand about each other, but we're both loyal to a fault.

As for friends, I actually have a lot of friends, but there are three who I really consider close friends. One I met through "church" (Unitarian Universalist, aka UU, so "church" isn't always the right word for it, as it isn't necessarily christian, and mine definitely isn't). Two I met though transgender veteran groups.

Obviously, not everyone is a veteran or transgender, but if your either, organizations for those groups are great places to find friends with similar histories.

I'll add that over the years, I've also been very lucky to have had many friends, that I simply lost touch with due to my own fault, but I have friends from professional working associations, volunteer organizations, and just social groups. For example, I volunteered at a couple of summer festivals, and I have dozens of people that I'm sure that if I reached out, they'd be there for me. Likewise, I've had two career trajectories, both of which have multiple social groups (from informal meet-up groups to really formal, large, international groups) and there are folks in those spaces that I'm sure I could reach out to. And I definitely have friends at the UU who would be there for me.

As for growing and maintaining friendships, (a) it definitely requires putting yourself out there, (b) it definitely is a two way street, (c) as I've gotten older, and lives have gone in dirrent directions (and sometimes very different locations) maintaining friendships has required very deliberate efforts.

One friend had lived with me during COVID lockdowns (I'm an intravert, so I wasn't really sure I even wanted to invite this person and a former coworker to stay with me, but I'm grateful that I did.). We had a standing movie night during lockdown. When that friend moved to a different state, we switched to doing online "watch parties", which we still do.

Another close friend also happened to move to a different state. We kept having problems finding time to talk on the phone, so they finally suggested that we just have a regularly scheduled monthly phone call, and we've both been really good about maintaining or rescheduling those so that we're able to maintain that friendship.

---

I was deprived of these two standing appointments when I was subjected to the unasked for, unwanted, unneeded, exclusively suicide-inducing trauma of mother-f'ing psychiatric crisis f'ing interventions when I was seeking exclusively unbiased and needed medical care.​

Those two standing appointments had been doing more good for my mental health than all the supposed MH "professionals" had for more than a year, and those appointments with friends certainly would have been more helpful than any suicide-inducing mother-f'ing psychiatric crisis f'ing interventions ever could, but the supposed MH "professionals" deprived me of what I would actually have benefitted from while MAKING me actively suicidal when I hadn't been actively suicidal before they interjected themselves in situations they should not have been in to begin with, and when I had been seeking -yet again- actual, and exclusively, medical care that I needed and which, if it had actually been provided, would have given me a reason to keep living.​

To say that supposed MH "professionals" caused me harm is such a MASSIVE understatement!​

---

For those not interested in spiritual groups, professional groups, veteran groups, support groups, or volunteering, I suggest looking for -or even starting- meetup groups in your area for things that you're interested in, e.g. hiking, boardgames, book clubs, knitting, crocheting, woodworking, electronics, lockpicking (this one always suprised me, but this is a bigger hobby than I ever would have imagined), fan-fic writting, sci-fi stories, anime, politics, etc., etc.

If you have an interest in something, even something absurdly esoteric, so does someone else, and, well, they're your people! Odds are, you can find some of those people in your area, but if you can't, they're certainly some online!

 

[Kall]

This is a really long post that covers

• how I met and have maintained several important friendships,
• made many other friends over the years,
• how unneeded MH care actually deprived me of these friendships when I needed them more than ever,
• and suggestions on finding "your people".

---

I'm lucky that my mom did genuinely try to be there for me, but some subjects, including anything related to death, were verboten topics.

Likewise, I'm lucky to have a mostly supportive sibling. We have a shitload that we can't stand about each other, but we're both loyal to a fault.

As for friends, I actually have a lot of friends, but there are three who I really consider close friends. One I met through "church" (Unitarian Universalist, aka UU, so "church" isn't always the right word for it, as it isn't necessarily christian, and mine definitely isn't). Two I met though transgender veteran groups.

Obviously, not everyone is a veteran or transgender, but if your either, organizations for those groups are great places to find friends with similar histories.

I'll add that over the years, I've also been very lucky to have had many friends, that I simply lost touch with due to my own fault, but I have friends from professional working associations, volunteer organizations, and just social groups. For example, I volunteered at a couple of summer festivals, and I have dozens of people that I'm sure that if I reached out, they'd be there for me. Likewise, I've had two career trajectories, both of which have multiple social groups (from informal meet-up groups to really formal, large, international groups) and there are folks in those spaces that I'm sure I could reach out to. And I definitely have friends at the UU who would be there for me.

As for growing and maintaining friendships, (a) it definitely requires putting yourself out there, (b) it definitely is a two way street, (c) as I've gotten older, and lives have gone in dirrent directions (and sometimes very different locations) maintaining friendships has required very deliberate efforts.

One friend had lived with me during COVID lockdowns (I'm an intravert, so I wasn't really sure I even wanted to invite this person and a former coworker to stay with me, but I'm grateful that I did.). We had a standing movie night during lockdown. When that friend moved to a different state, we switched to doing online "watch parties", which we still do.

Another close friend also happened to move to a different state. We kept having problems finding time to talk on the phone, so they finally suggested that we just have a regularly scheduled monthly phone call, and we've both been really good about maintaining or rescheduling those so that we're able to maintain that friendship.

---

I was deprived of these two standing appointments when I was subjected to the unasked for, unwanted, unneeded, exclusively suicide-inducing trauma of mother-f'ing psychiatric crisis f'ing interventions when I was seeking exclusively unbiased and needed medical care.​

Those two standing appointments had been doing more good for my mental health than all the supposed MH "professionals" had for more than a year, and those appointments with friends certainly would have been more helpful than any suicide-inducing mother-f'ing psychiatric crisis f'ing interventions ever could, but the supposed MH "professionals" deprived me of what I would actually have benefitted from while MAKING me actively suicidal when I hadn't been actively suicidal before they interjected themselves in situations they should not have been in to begin with, and when I had been seeking -yet again- actual, and exclusively, medical care that I needed and which, if it had actually been provided, would have given me a reason to keep living.​

To say that supposed MH "professionals" caused me harm is such a MASSIVE understatement!​

---

For those not interested in spiritual groups, professional groups, veteran groups, support groups, or volunteering, I suggest looking for -or even starting- meetup groups in your area for things that you're interested in, e.g. hiking, boardgames, book clubs, knitting, crocheting, woodworking, electronics, lockpicking (this one always suprised me, but this is a bigger hobby than I ever would have imagined), fan-fic writting, sci-fi stories, anime, politics, etc., etc.

If you have an interest in something, even something absurdly esoteric, so does someone else, and, well, they're your people! Odds are, you can find some of those people in your area, but if you can't, they're certainly some online!

Thank you for sharing your story, it is really touching. It's sad to see good people like you get hooked in the shitty psychiatric medical system. I hope the bonds you created with your close ones are not too harmed by this.

I already joined a LGBT+ events community, it works really well to get casual friends. But I cannot manage get past this stage, even though I try to organise stuff to spend time with them and try my best to be there for them

 

[wren-briar]

I hope the bonds you created with your close ones are not too harmed by this.

On the one hand, I've been honestly blown away by just how amazingly supportive and protective they've been in every way possible, and in more ways than I ever could have imagined. (I've only learned about a small bit of what they did while the doctors said that I was brain-dead, but then refused to take me off life support, and then again as I was clearly gaining functionality again - and they pulled off some truly amazing and cunning maneuvers on my behalf!)

These friends pulled all kinds of shit to make sure that I got the kind of care that they knew wouldn't just cause even more trauma, which sure as f is what the self-righteous MH pricks would have subjected me to. I can't share details, but people who have had to deal "creatively" with military BS will have some ideas.

On the other hand, I know that if the roles were reversed that I would be just as supportive and protective, and use similar "creative" methods.

More amazingly, even knowing that I'm still planning to CTB, they've been amazingly supportive, even though they don't really understand why I'm not willing to give life yet another chance.

it works really well to get casual friends. But I cannot manage get past this stage, even though I try to organise stuff to spend time with them and try my best to be there for them

I've had other friends, who I considered close, come and go in my life. I think one of the key differences, is that in these cases, there was some type of trauma in one of our lives, and the other person was steadfast in supporting them AND, rather ironically, for two of them, they really didn't feel they had anyone else who was really supportive in their lives. The third one definitely has lots of support in their life, but hasn't always had such support, and honestly values anyone who is truly supportive.

Which is to say, such friendships don't develop just because of common activities, rather the activities simply provide opportunities just to get to know each other. The strength of the bond comes from being there when life throws you curveballs and you're there for each other regardless of how hard it is. And, obviously, you can't plan for or schedule life's curveballs.

So, just because you're not feeling like you have those connections yet, I'd encourage you to continue engaging, as much as you can.

I'm an metaphor kind of person, so put another way, I've poured the foundation for a lot if houses over my 5+ decades, many have sat there with no further construction, and been damaged by weather, storms, earthquakes, etc. But others have had a potential friend come along and start framing out an actual structure. Some of those structures were just simple starter houses, and they've often languished, but others slowly, over time and with a lot of energy from both sides, evolved into sturdy mansions, and sturdy mansions take time and energy not just to build but also to maintain. So put out all the foundations that you can, and when someone comes along who's interested in building on your foundation, build a structure with them. Most won't be much more than a starter home, and that's okay, because you'll still be learning the skills to build a mansion when you meet others who want more than just a starter home.