Help How to build up the courage to CTB?

[mortisnuntius666]

I plan on catching the bus this year, I want and I need to do it, it's the perfect moment. However, it is unlikely I will get access to SN, and all other methods are either inaccessible or I'm not capable of using them. If getting SN fails, which will probably happen, I'll just do it the old way, with a knife or a screwdriver. But I'm afraid of doing that! and I would like a way to overcome the fear and perhaps alleviate the pain. (Could alcohol help?)

Any tips? I don't want to live another year, but I'm afraid of the leaving.

 

[StrugglingSienna]

Why is it unlikely that you'll get access to SN?

In any case, you're not going to be able to do it with a knife or a screwdriver. You'll just injure yourself and be living with more pain than you already are.

 

[ForeverCaHa]

The more violent the method, the more it will take to overcome survival instinct, I imagine. I use a knife for light self-harm, and can't imagine how much it would take to cause enough damage for death. Even at my most self-hating times, my brain just won't let me hack at myself.

That's why for me SN is the method of choice. Much less mental block in swigging back a drink than gouging at myself. I honestly think you'd only manage that if you were in a major (extremely major) psychotic break. Like it or not, our monkey brains don't want us to die.

 

[mortisnuntius666]

Why is it unlikely that you'll get access to SN?

In any case, you're not going to be able to do it with a knife or a screwdriver. You'll just injure yourself and be living with more pain than you already are.

Even if I stab my chest?

Regarding the SN, I first need to find a place to receive it (since I don't live alone and I know the people here would open it); it's pretty much doable, but it can fail, and I would like to have a plan B for the deadline I've set.

 

[galaxid]

I don't want to live another year, but I'm afraid of the leaving.

I feel this so much. I don't really have any meaningful suggestions as the idea of ctb sounds great until I consider whether or not I'd be able to actually do it. I can want to all I want, and I can feel as ready as I want, but sitting there preparing to die seems impossible to bear. But I don't want to go through this cycle of ups and downs next year, or the year after that, etc.

Someone pointed this thread out to me and its given me stuff to consider. Maybe it'll help you too.

 

[StrugglingSienna]

oYes, even if you stab your chest. Like ForeverCaHa said, the survival instinct is just too strong in this instance. I think it would take an intense state of psychosis to really seriously have a chance of dying from stabbing or cutting at yourself. The pain would just be too much, alcohol is a pain reliever for sure but not that effective of one.

You could rent a PO box for a bit to mail supplies there perhaps?

 

[ForeverCaHa]

I'd also add that throwing alcohol into the mix would only increase chances of failure. I can barely open a door when drunk, never mind coordinate a suicide attempt where hand-eye coordination and knife position are of the utmost importance. Ultimately I can't make the choice for you, but I would really advise against this method.