How to become as depressed as possible without people knowing?

[m3nhera]

Since I can't physically self harm I'm thinking of this as a way to do so, I find comfort in this sickness. However, it has stripped so much from me, I've let myself go and everything. It's humiliated me. But if I can't get better, how do I get worse while simultaneously getting better at outwardly looking happy? I have never had the energy to hide it well. I want to be one of those people who looks perfectly fine on the outside while in turmoil. Instead all I got was the type of depression that just makes you ugly and tired all the time and everyone can tell you just rolled out of bed, since I can barely even get out of bed, let alone get dressed cute and do makeup. If I ever ctb, I want it to come as a surprise to people. I want nobody to see it coming, so no one has sad memories of me if I leave.

 

[Bootleg Astolfo]

I usually just go full emo/goth fashion wise, people just assume any and all depressed comments I make are me being a meme, which granted, is often correct.

 

[m3nhera]

I usually just go full emo/goth fashion wise, people just assume any and all depressed comments I make are me being a meme, which granted, is often correct.

I don't have any money rn, I already dress kinda alternative but I'm not changing my entire style just for this lol, I want to dress how I want. It's my way of expressing myself, also I'd have no energy to dress goth anyway. I don't even have energy to dress in my own style most of the time. I'm so tired. And also I don't want to feed into the stereotype that all alt people are depressed and all the cutting jokes people use to make fun of emos

 

[violetforever]

I want nobody to see it coming, so no one has sad memories of me if I leave.

an abrupt suicide is bound to cause sad memories. even if you didnt show any signs that you were suffering, anyone grieving will look back on memories and turn them sad by wishing they spoke up or noticed you were suffering. i literally hate that its nearly impossible to just commit suicide and have people feel indifferent about it. i want nobody to acknowledge it and go on with their lives like i never existed.

 

[morina]

Since I can't physically self harm I'm thinking of this as a way to do so, I find comfort in this sickness. However, it has stripped so much from me, I've let myself go and everything. It's humiliated me. But if I can't get better, how do I get worse while simultaneously getting better at outwardly looking happy? I have never had the energy to hide it well. I want to be one of those people who looks perfectly fine on the outside while in turmoil. Instead all I got was the type of depression that just makes you ugly and tired all the time and everyone can tell you just rolled out of bed, since I can barely even get out of bed, let alone get dressed cute and do makeup. If I ever ctb, I want it to come as a surprise to people. I want nobody to see it coming, so no one has sad memories of me if I leave.

I hide it by laughing a lot. Some people see through it, but I guess it mostly works out. I just act like I am really easy to entertain with the brainrottiest brainrot, puns and very easy jokes.

 

[alivebutnotliving]

i've noticed ppl sometimesss don't care/notice unless your depression affects them somehow. i learned that if i just keep doing my part and what they expect of me, i can be left alone while depressed. ofc it takes all my energy to do this though

 

[m3nhera]

an abrupt suicide is bound to cause sad memories. even if you didnt show any signs that you were suffering, anyone grieving will look back on memories and turn them sad by wishing they spoke up or noticed you were suffering. i literally hate that its nearly impossible to just commit suicide and have people feel indifferent about it. i want nobody to acknowledge it and go on with their lives like i never existed.

You might be right but a suicide that isn't abrupt would also be sad and so if it's sad either way I'd rather have it be one moment of sadness vs gradual buildup and they'll have a bad feeling about what's coming for months, might get worried, etc. I understand what you mean too but at the same time if I died and literally nobody gave a shit I'd be upset, seems I'm never satisfied haha.

 

[Re62]

i've noticed ppl sometimesss don't care/notice unless your depression affects them somehow. i learned that if i just keep doing my part and what they expect of me, i can be left alone while depressed. ofc it takes all my energy to do this though

This is 100% true, i haven't had anyone who I can call a friends in over 8+ years so ever since I graduated high school, my depression and in general social anxiety makes it really hard for me to interact with people and honestly I have grown just used not interacting with people and actively pushing them away, I have also found when I try to interact with people they generally seem to just want to move on from the conversation so maybe I am just not intresting as well.

Anyways I cut my wrist a hell lot of times (wasn't a suicide attempt, it was just a coping mechanism i had, whenever stress started getting to me, i would cry and cut myself it helped a bit) during my college years and no one noticed even though the scars were readily visible mostly because I never interacted with anyone and even those who may have noticed simply ignored em, because I wasn't a part of their life in anyway or shape.