How strange is it that I never had a girlfriend at the age of 20? Will I be able to fit in with the 18/19 year olds in my year in college?

[SadLoser]

The first after highschool I had did absolutely nothing because I was too depressed. I failed my final exams on purpose so i'd have more of a reason to kill myself. Obviously I didn't do that and the second year I had to go to community college to be able to get into any proper college at all. I also worked for a year. That was the year that COVID happened.
Now i'm due to start college in September.
This will be the first time since highschool that i'll finally be around people my age again. My question is, is it too late to fix things? Will I look back at my youth in my 30s+ and have regrets even if everything goes perfectly from my first day? I don't think I partied enough in highschool. I was such an outcast. I'd like to change things, go out with people and get drunk on weekends, live the life of a normal young man.
Lastly, will I be able to fit in with the mostly 18 year olds that will be in my year? I know that people in their 50s go to college, but I want to be indistinguishable from someone that went to college straight after highschool. I don't want to be the "older guy".

 

[Amumu]

I'm 23 soon and I've never had a gf (I'm not a virgin though), and you'll be able to fit in with someone who is one or two years younger than you ofc.

I understand why it brings about suicidal thoughts though, college and relationships are hard when you're depressed.

 

[Bootleg Astolfo]

*laughs in still being completly unwanted garbage at 25yo*
*cries in still being completely unwanted garbage at 25 yo*

 

[Mr2005]

I didn't lose my virginity until I was 21. What you're going through is completely normal. Watch any John Hughes movie

 

[motel rooms]

It's not like you have to tell the other kids you've never had a gf. You better get on meds for your BD though, that'll definitely make it easier for you to fit in

 

[SadLoser]

It's not like you have to tell the other kids you've never had a gf. You better get on meds for your BD though, that'll definitely make it easier for you to fit in

If I take any medication that will make me gain weight I will feel 1,000x times worse. I definitely have some narcissistic traits.

 

[Neowise]

My boyfriend and me got together only 3 months ago, he was 26 (now 27) and I am 25. It's the first relationship for us both.
There is more people without relationship at 20 years than one might think, most just don't talk about it. You shouldn't feel bad if you've never experienced it. Your depression and negative thoughts probably made you keep a distance to others, that is also the reason I stayed single for so long. Don't beat yourself up over it, you're time will come :)

I don't think I partied enough in highschool. I was such an outcast. I'd like to change things, go out with people and get drunk on weekends, live the life of a normal young man.

I played Slime Rancher the other day, it is packed with beautiful letters and wisdoms. One I cannot forget anymore:

"These strange glass doors are a good reminder that you can't always have both.
Hit that switch over there all you like, but both doors will never be open.
Sometimes you gotta choose one path over another and there's no way around it.
But you know what? No matter what path you choose, it will always hurt a little because there is the thought of wanting to walk the other.
Life is filled with doors like these."

People who partied every weekend probably regret it sooner or later for all the hangovers, vomit cleanings and awkward situations.
I can understand you though for I have always been an outcast myself and sometimes wished I was invited to more parties as well. I do occasionally pity myself for the things that I missed and the normal childhood / teenhood I never had, but it's best to look forward. There is still a chance to live a normal life and experience great things as an adult.

 

[motel rooms]

If I take any medication that will make me gain weight I will feel 1,000x times worse. I definitely have some narcissistic traits.

You're gonna have to choose the lesser of 2 evils. That's how this fucking life works...

 

[Makko]

You're gonna have to choose between the lesser of 2 evils. That's how this fucking life works...

Which is the lesser evil: do I kill myself or do I kill them all?

 

[chocolatebar]

I only had my first relationship at 27, but I don't think I fit the definition of a normal person.

 

[motel rooms]

Which is the lesser evil: do I kill myself or do I kill them all?

Find a way to get away with killing them all. Artists are beyond good & evil.

 

[SadLoser]

My boyfriend and me got together only 3 months ago, he was 26 (now 27) and I am 25. It's the first relationship for us both.
There is more people without relationship at 20 years than one might think, most just don't talk about it. You shouldn't feel bad if you've never experienced it. Your depression and negative thoughts probably made you keep a distance to others, that is also the reason I stayed single for so long. Don't beat yourself up over it, you're time will come :)


I played Slime Rancher the other day, it is packed with beautiful letters and wisdoms. One I cannot forget anymore:

"These strange glass doors are a good reminder that you can't always have both.
Hit that switch over there all you like, but both doors will never be open.
Sometimes you gotta choose one path over another and there's no way around it.
But you know what? No matter what path you choose, it will always hurt a little because there is the thought of wanting to walk the other.
Life is filled with doors like these."

People who partied every weekend probably regret it sooner or later for all the hangovers, vomit cleanings and awkward situations.
I can understand you though for I have always been an outcast myself and sometimes wished I was invited to more parties as well. I do occasionally pity myself for the things that I missed and the normal childhood / teenhood I never had, but it's best to look forward. There is still a chance to live a normal life and experience great things as an adult.

Thanks for the reply. I like to think that there are more people like me, but it just seems so rare. I think most people I know had their first relationships in their mid teens.

Btw do you think 20 is too old enough to party and do stupid stuff for much longer? How long do I have? At least until the end of college, right?

You're gonna have to choose between the lesser of 2 evils. That's how this fucking life works...

I can't decide which is worse.

 

[Neowise]

Btw do you think 20 is too old enough to party and do stupid stuff for much longer? How long do I have? At least until the end of college, right?

20 surely isn't too old. My friend celebrated her birthday about 2 weeks ago and that was one crazy party as well, she turned 24 years and the oldes guest there was 30.

I personally think one can never be too old to do stupid stuff. Once I've moved out of my parents place and gathered some confidence I'll try to make friends that are as crazy as my non-suppressed me and catch up on things I've missed out on.

 

[motel rooms]

Btw do you think 20 is too old enough to party and do stupid stuff for much longer? How long do I have? At least until the end of college, right?

I'm 40 & I still do stupid things, kid. What do you think keeps me alive?

I can't decide which is worse.

Do you think you'll be able to study if you don't get on meds?

 

[Pure]

I'm an almost 24 bi female. Never been in a relationship either. It's not common but it's not super unheard of. I tried dating apps from the day I turned 18 until I gave up a month ago. Don't think I'm particularly attractive enough or interesting enough to find someone.

It sucks majorly but something I find comforting is that most people's relationships don't last anyways. Maybe it's just cope on my part.

I think my main issue is touch deprivation. Apps are still good if you just want a hook up or maybe find a massage therapist

 

[progeria]

The first after highschool I had did absolutely nothing because I was too depressed. I failed my final exams on purpose so i'd have more of a reason to kill myself. Obviously I didn't do that and the second year I had to go to community college to be able to get into any proper college at all. I also worked for a year. That was the year that COVID happened.
Now i'm due to start college in September.
This will be the first time since highschool that i'll finally be around people my age again. My question is, is it too late to fix things? Will I look back at my youth in my 30s+ and have regrets even if everything goes perfectly from my first day? I don't think I partied enough in highschool. I was such an outcast. I'd like to change things, go out with people and get drunk on weekends, live the life of a normal young man.
Lastly, will I be able to fit in with the mostly 18 year olds that will be in my year? I know that people in their 50s go to college, but I want to be indistinguishable from someone that went to college straight after highschool. I don't want to be the "older guy".

I feel the same bro. In school I was an outcast, and for more than a year I was not in any team. I suffer from social anxiety and I do not know how I will fit into the company of classmates in my 2nd year.

 

[MiseryWithoutCompany]

Sometimes... being in a rush to be in a relationship or lose your virginity will traumatize the absolute shit out of you, do to an unbalanced decision. Neither make you as a person, but both can most definitely break you. Please continue on with great caution.

 

[NeverGoBack94]

27 and don't have one.

 

[Makko]

Sometimes... being in a rush to be in a relationship or lose your virginity will traumatize the absolute shit out of you, do to an unbalanced decision. Neither make you as a person, but both can most definitely break you. Please continue on with great caution.

The trauma of failed relationships is something you can have in common with people around you. The trauma of never having experienced intimacy makes you an deviant aberration and a permanent emotional outcast from humanity. So you're pretty far off mark with the "not making you as a person" part. It's a basic rite of passage, just like in the old tribes. If you don't pass the rite, you'll never be a whole person.

 

[nerve]

I don't say this to be patronizing or dismiss your problems, but it is absolutely not too late at 20, especially if you're getting an education and bettering yourself.

If anyone really gives you shit for being ~2 years older than them, you can easily say you took a gap year or were working or got sick and had to put off college for a bit. They're not even lies. Most people won't care or even notice. There's not much of a physical/visual difference between an 18-year-old and a 20-year-old anyway.

I was an outcast too and didn't go to parties (I didn't even go to prom or graduation). You hear about more people who regret partying, getting wasted, and making poor decisions (especially at your age) than people who who think it was a good use of their time. I know that doesn't help you much now and there's obviously a spectrum here, but please don't feel like you're only missing out on good things.

I have regrets from then (everyone does), but they have a lot more to do with academic performance than how many parties I went to. A lot of adults look back on their hard partying days in high school or college and they're embarrassed.

It'll be difficult to change and you may not ever be as sociable or bubbly as others (this is be a good thing; those types of people can come off as loud or obnoxious), but you're at an age where your brain is still developing and making new connections. 18-24 is considered an important range since it's when most people learn about who they are without the presence of a parent or guardian figure. I don't want you to think I'm imposing some sort of time limit on you since people change and grow at any age. I'm just trying to say it's not over for you. Idk how much experience you have with it, but therapy might be helpful here if you're open to it.

(To be honest I think it's kind of cute when guys around that age are still virgins. I can't be the only one.)

 

[domedune]

How strange is it that I never had a girlfriend at the age of 20?

It's not strange and I wish people didn't care about stuff like this. I'm 19 and I haven't dated anyone and I know a number of people who haven't. Dating is friendship + hooking up but worse and everyone around me who has dated someone has been worse off for it. My best friend was in a shitty training wheels relationship in early high school, then in a typical controlling/annoying typical relationship in late high school that ending with a feeling of freedom followed by avoidable loneliness (they got in fights and broke up for stupid reasons that could have been avoided if they weren't so insecure). Now my best friend is 21 and dating a 16yo cos he's desperate and afraid to be alone even though he has friends. But he can't control his friends as much as he can control an "SO" so there ya go.

Other friend left his girlfriend for a girl who broke up with him a month later because he mentioned condoms and she was Christian. Other friend tries to date every person she likes and it always ends in a break up. Her last relationship was abusive and now she's single. Sister had a girlfriend who tried to turn her against me for some reason.

The majority of teen relationships fail. "Yeah teens are so young and dumb--" The majority of adult relationships fail. Divorce rates are up. Most relationships don't make it to marriage (not that they have to, just trying to emphasize that divorce rates don't cover everything).

The trauma of failed relationships is something you can have in common with people around you. The trauma of never having experienced intimacy makes you an deviant aberration and a permanent emotional outcast from humanity. So you're pretty far off mark with the "not making you as a person" part. It's a basic rite of passage, just like in the old tribes. If you don't pass the rite, you'll never be a whole person.

Great advice. "Everyone else is making bad decisions. Make bad decisions too so you can fit in." Romantic relationships don't't equal intimacy, and never having had a romantic relationship hasn't made me an outcast.

Granted, I'm 19, so it's pretty normal, but
a) This guy is 20, so it's pretty normal for him too.
b) I know older people who function just fine without playing this game.

I think some friendless people think they're outcasts because they haven't had a romantic relationship, when in reality, they're bad at relationships in general, which is why they've never had a romantic one.

 

[Makko]

b) I know older people who function just fine without playing this game.

This isn't a problem of basic everyday functioning. This is a problem of killing you on the inside.

never having had a romantic relationship hasn't made me an outcast.

Wait until you're 30.

 

[Alwaysbadtime]

If I take any medication that will make me gain weight I will feel 1,000x times worse. I definitely have some narcissistic traits.

Try to control your food intake. Meds don't automatically make you fat. Food does.

 

[Pure]

The trauma of failed relationships is something you can have in common with people around you. The trauma of never having experienced intimacy makes you an deviant aberration and a permanent emotional outcast from humanity. So you're pretty far off mark with the "not making you as a person" part. It's a basic rite of passage, just like in the old tribes. If you don't pass the rite, you'll never be a whole person.

Rough but true. I hate when I bring up my lack of any relationships or sexual experience and people tell me some bs about my age or its not that serious. I'm a lonely piece of shit. Humans aren't supposed to live like this. It's serious for me.

 

[fantasy_function]

not strange at all, i'm 22 and had just the 1 boyfriend in college but we only dated for 3 weeks. everyone above me is saying something similar, regarding your age and experience you're definitely not alone

 

[Lmd]

Where I live is something normal. Don't miss the first day of class and you'll fit in.

 

[MiseryWithoutCompany]

Wait until you're 30.

I'm 2 years shy of 30, and the matter of virginity never has become an issue enough to care about. There are far more pressing matters to deal with (things that contribute to why I'm on this site) at hand.

I think this only affects people who don't understand the extent of the damage it can cause you. When you have seem people who have broken down far beyond what's clearly healthy to "relate" to with others, it should make you really think. Would you risk possible physical abuse? Mental abuse? Things that cause lasting damage that fuel your need to seek therapy, just to meet some fictional standard put into place by an already expiring way of life? It's not a rite of passage.

Nobody is missing out on the troubles that comes with abuse in a relationship. I wouldn't wish it on anyone, nor would I want to relate to someone who has been in the same position. You can already be barely helped in those positions. Seeing someone you care for suffering in the same way you already had shouldn't be the only way to form a sense of comradery... Critical thinking is necessary here. Don't ruin your life rushing headlong into trauma just to be like "everyone else".

And if you are around people who put an emphasis on that extremely personal part of your life... then there are some things that should be reconsidered about the social groups you inject yourself into.

 

[Fera18]

No creo que sea tan importante, además conozco mucha gente que no a tenido novio o novia, yo tengo un grupo de amigas y la mayoría nuca a tenido ningún novio ( todas tenemos entre 20- 22) y también conozco a chicos, además creó o en la universidad eso es lo de menos

 

[Makko]

And if you are around people who put an emphasis on that extremely personal part of your life... then there are some things that should be reconsidered about the social groups you inject yourself into.

Ultimately it's not that personal at all. It has a big influence on how you relate to your surroundings and how people view you, not specific social groups, but any social setting that you are a part of for any length of time. I've experienced enough different social groups to see that it's not a local thing.

Not sure I understand the angle of your post, are you saying relationships are horrible trauma by definition?

 

[everydayiloveyou]

Not gonna lie, it's not that common. But there are plenty of people in your situation (probably for reasons like religion/haven't moved out yet). The older you get, the more uncommon it becomes.

People don't need to know anything about your sexuality in order to befriend you. It might be weird to them once you do say it, but it depends on the person. I've never heard about not having a bf/gf yet being a dealbreaker in friendships, unless you also come out as LGBT when revealing that.

as for getting along with younger students, it depends on the demographics of your school. I'm 21 and I've never had a gf before, but I'm gay so I'm always wary to go into detail about that when I first meet people. The hardest part about getting along with the 18-19 year olds imo is the immaturity, you might not vibe with it depending on your situation. At my school, most students dorm and have their parents paying all their bills. I transferred from a community college with lots of adult learners and working students. I have trouble relating to the kids who have nothing to do after classes and get their mommies and daddies to pay for their things, rather than having to give their parents money to help the house like I do. It can be really frustrating and alientating especially since I don't party either (no time at all) and that's all froshes want to do lol. No idea how they find the time for all that