Venting How sick and suicidal do I have to be to be "allowed" to receive therapy?!

[http-410]

Currently looking for a new therapist - or to be more precise, I have tried. My day started with getting a call back from a therapist's office. The receptionist told me, considering that I had already had so many therapy sessions and that they have more urgent cases (without knowing what was going on with me, although I said on the first phone call that I am chronically suicidal), they can't/won't accept me. I never talked to the actual therapist. The receptionist sounded like she was uncomfortable saying that and seemed relieved when I said goodbye.

What else has to happen for my case to be urgent? How suicidal do I have to get? Why does no one understand that the boundaries between chronic suicidality and acute suicidality can be blurred? Do they even know what that means?

Apparently, I am not even suicidal enough when I have compulsive suicidal impulses that actually cause me to act. What was initially just watching trains from a distance has become an approach that is no longer just a coping method, but a playing with fire, tempting fate and death. How many times do I have to stand on the trains tracks, how long will I manage to stretch out the time until the lights get close enough, how long will I manage not to stand still?

I can only vaguely remember how something held me back from going onto the tracks, but by now I've lost that fear. No, I stand still, I HAVE to, and it feels like I'm forcing myself to stand still even longer more and more often, even though I can see the approaching lights coming toward me. Although I can choose an almost failsafe method that requires planning (SN), the desperation and longing for a quicker and brutal end is just too great. Maybe the "suck it up" mentality I'm facing, along with this crappy therapy situation, is exactly what I need.

I have read literature on the subject of (chronic) suicidality, but cannot help myself. I feel as if I am watching a test object slowly but steadily fail.

My health insurance company doesn't give a shit about me, and that's a good thing for everyone else. Money will be saved. Social Darwinism will win, sooner or later. The parasite has to die. But it hurts like hell.

 

[bdtbath]

American here. I've also been having a hard time getting connected with a therapist. From a medical and dental standpoint, there is functionally no difference between living in a 3rd world country or in this shithole; both result in us not getting the care we desperately need. I don't really have anything to say except I hope we both find peace and I feel what you are describing to my core.

 

[GasMonkey]

So you want to CTB but you are looking for somebody ("therapist") to convince you of not CTBing? Interesting.

 

[jodes2]

Ugh, absolutely ridiculous. Mental health services are stretched to the limit everywhere it seems and getting any help is a fucking joke. You're a blatently obvious case of someone who should be prioritised therapy! So sorry you're struggling

 

[Regen]

It is really very difficult to find a therapy............. Can you try with another one? Ist there a social or chapel organisation who can help with finding an therapist? There are sooo many bad therapists. Finding the one who is good and with a loving heart is so difficult....

I feel really sorry for you. Pushing you away is the worst!!! What an ashole!

Much much luck to you for finding a better one!! Maybe this happened because there is a much better therapist waiting for you! I had a similar experience and then I found the best therapist since 25 years. I wish the same for you!!!

 

[niiina]

Think that you're dodging a bullet with the one that rejected you.
I'm sorry for what happened tho, I live in a third world country and it's almost impossible to get a therapist here too.
As you want to stay here I hope you keep seeking and succeed soon! A lot of luck for you

 

[http-410]

So you want to CTB but you are looking for somebody ("therapist") to convince you of not CTBing? Interesting.

No, the plan was to work on my underlying issues, only I am worse off after the last therapy than before (= I became suicidal).

Even though I doubt very much that I will find (the right) help and am convinced that I will kill myself, I wanted/will try to get help one last time and try to be open regarding suicidality, at least to "professionals".

Unfortunately, I seem to have a strong survival instinct. Nobody can convince me not to do it, just as nobody can convince me to do it, except myself. I may be ambivalent, as I suspect many here are, but the lines between ambivalence and implementation are fluid and bidirectional, and in my opinion suicidality (or the underlying problems) should always be taken seriously. I'm sorry if I digressed a bit - it is important to me to be understood, which may not be easy, but perhaps my intention has become a little clearer.

The thing is (besides not being able to find a therapist), my health insurance refuses to cover another therapy. I would have had an appointment elsewhere for January (which would be exceptionally soon), but my insurance company is refusing to allow me to go back to therapy. There is a last small possibility to convince the health insurance, but this way is very bureaucratic and time consuming. Although it may seem paradoxical, I have to call therapists for this path, even though I am very likely to be turned away by them due to lack of available appointments.

I'm currently working towards it, but if there aren't even therapists who have available appointments, I'm out of luck. There is a kind of social organization that has mentioned two therapists, but they don't even keep waiting lists nor do they meet the requirements to be covered by health insurance. But at least they explained the way to get my health insurance to (perhaps) cover the costs.

Every organization or therapist I've called who were willing to exchange a few words know about the disastrous state of the mental health care system. It is an absolute shame. If politics makes it impossible to find help, there should at least be the possibility for everyone to be allowed to take their own life in an easy and painless way. But what am I talking about.

 

[Angi]

Nobody can convince me not to do it, just as nobody can convince me to do it, except myself.

The last bit of freedom and control. The best part of suicide, to me.

The thing is (besides not being able to find a therapist), my health insurance refuses to cover another therapy.

Have you looked at sliding scale options and therapists in training? They tend to be much cheaper, and I read studies saying therapists get more confident with experience, but not more effective. This is of course not an option of you are thoroughly broke, but otherwise you could try it!

If politics makes it impossible to find help, there should at least be the possibility for everyone to be allowed to take their own life in an easy and painless way. But what am I talking about.

I want to sign this petition! Give me a path out of this hell, in any direction!

 

[FuneralCry]

That does sound like such a complicated and frustrating situation to be in, it must be so tiring. It does seem as though for many people in this life there is no real relief from suffering but I hope that you find what you are looking for.

 

[TydalWave]

I have so many frustrations with how we handle mental health in this country.

It's so exhausting having to jump through so many hoops to get help, only to be dismissed and unseen. The worst part for me was that the times I have really needed immediate help, it was impossible for me to get it. Where I live, every pyschiatrist is on a waitlist that only opens it's phone up once every 6 months. Almost all therapists are not accepting new patients and those that do have availability have it for a reason. And the vast majority either don't accept insurance anyways.

For these reasons I spent a lot of my life going through the cycle of hitting dark lows that I had to deal with alone and my highs were always spent trying to get the care I needed for my next low. It's so backwards it's insane. It seems like the only people who get care are those who attempt and fail to CTB and get institutionalized or those who have the money and stability to pay out of pocket.