Very much so. Things in my life have been in a downward spiral the last couple of years, to the point where I'm ready to put an end to the carnage. It has greatly stressed my relationship with my BF, and we again have reached the break up point (when we were there in July, I was sectioned for threats). It's not that he's the direct cause of my wanting this, it's really just the last loss I have left to suffer. Once he's gone, too, that's it for me. In the past, when we've argued and put breaking up on the table, I fought for us to keep trying. And we did. But at this point now, I no longer believe that my situation will improve or that I can get past my pain and anguish enough to go after better things. I have chronic, severe anemia so I'm physically exhausted all of the time as well as mentally. I don't have the strength to climb any more hills.
So, I'm not fighting him on splitting up. I'm practically encouraging him. :( It breaks my heart to lose him but he deserves so, so much more than this and me in this life. He's significantly younger than me (28, I'm 40), so he's only just getting started. I've only been going downward for quite some time now. I'm making sure he knows that I understand why it has to happen, and that I don't blame him for my unhappiness. I've had severe depression for decades, and suicidal ideation gradually became part of my daily existence. Every threat I've ever made out loud has been emotional/impulsive (to the point that he thinks I say it so he won't leave). I've had countless wellness checks by the cops in the last several months, luckily since July they've been checks only and not being taken in (but I've gotten pretty skilled at manipulating my language so that nothing I say is a suicidal threat outright but gets my point across).
The 180 I've made in responding to breaking up has to be puzzling to him. I've made some VERY subtle hints as to what's to come that he has not appeared to notice. Once I'm gone, though, he'll look back at them and it will be obvious. He'll blame himself because he'll think he should have realizeevand intervened. I'll leave him a letter trying as hard as I can to convince him that that isn't true. Him feeling guilty is the toughest part of this for me. It's going to hurt him, but being with me hurts him too - we've had our struggles (mental illness in a relationship is daunting and really takes its toll). If I don't ctb, he's going to waver about leaving (he's already gotten to "I don't know what I want" vs wanting out), and I wouldn't be strong enough to not let him. Knowing that I won't be here for long is why I'm able to insist that we're doimg the right thing.
I know he'll be devastated :( and I wish that didn't have to happen. But I can't stay here so that he doesn't worry (especially if we're not even together moving forward). I can't tell him my plans outright, but I believe somewhere in the back of his mind, he knows.
. I get the paranoia, but it's easy to get round and has a bunch of holes in the logic. I used to be a security analyst for IT equipment and I do penetration tests daily, keeps me on my feet lol
