How many of you were planning on CTB in 2021?

[xLosthopex]

I did not expect to still be here by now, the fact it's 2022 in a couple days fills me with absolute terror and existential dread
I've given myself a deadline to the end of March to ctb because that's my birthday and mentally I cannot deal with getting any older, I want to be perceived and remembered as a young person forever which is why I need to go before then because if I reach my next birthday I'll no longer be able to say I'm in my 'early 20s'

 

[SuicidallyCurious]

I procured method but I postpone because I fear the method won't work well

 

[Seiba]

Well looks like 2021 is coming to an end in a couple days. Another year just came and went like that. I was so convinced at the start of the year that this would be my final year on this planet. My new years resolution was actually to ctb. I did make an attempt but ended up botching it. I plan on trying again in the upcoming weeks. I thought it would get easier after each attempt but I am still struggling with it.

What about you? Were you planning on ctb this year? Did you make an attempt?

I hope you're holding up decently after your attempt or at least better. I know how the emotions can be after a failed attempt, even more so when you don't react with the societal expectation of regret.

I have not mad an attempt this year, though I did get close with a bed sheet on a pull up bar in the basement. Wrote an online document for the only online friend I have. I sat there and was too anxious to bother sending, and couldn't bring myself to bother. It would be been suffocating for minutes at a time because the drop is not long enough but it's too high up for partial. I also did a scarf I took from my grandfather's place in the closet, but with dogs and the lack of length it just really left my neck red and hurt for a bit. Not really a good idea either living in a household with others, could easily get brain damage if someone has to go take a piss. When I was younger I wanted to be dead by eighteen because of homeschooling and the related future effects of such a thing, but I never ended up getting the shotgun.

Now that I'm older I still take lack a license which considerably reduces chances for making money for methods and so on. I've been selling plasma a couple times and hope to pick it up to twice a week. I received money for my birthday and Christmas from my grandfather, and I was going to ironically use it for a suicide method. It refused to take it from my paypal so I wasted it on other stuff instead. Like yourself, I have found it lasting years. This marks six years I believe from my first attempt, I really do need to get around to it eventually.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

I hope you're holding up decently after your attempt or at least better. I know how the emotions can be after a failed attempt, even more so when you don't react with the societal expectation of regret.

I was actually pretty pissed at myself for a while. But at least I know it is possible now. I feel more tired than anything. I just want to get this over with.

I have not mad an attempt this year, though I did get close with a bed sheet on a pull up bar in the basement. Wrote an online document for the only online friend I have. I sat there and was too anxious to bother sending, and couldn't bring myself to bother. It would be been suffocating for minutes at a time because the drop is not long enough but it's too high up for partial.

That sounds rough. I know people have successful hanged with random stuff like that but I would definitely use a strong rope. The consequences could be dire if the ligature breaks mid way. Have you found it easier to make new attempts now?

Like yourself, I have found it lasting years. This marks six years I believe from my first attempt, I really do need to get around to it eventually.

I've always wanted to die for over 10 years now in fact. But I only started making attempts a few years back. At first I was just scouting locations to jump from but realized I was too scared of heights. Then I settled on hanging. At first I had no clue what I was doing. After a few failures I decided to switch methods again. So I ended up getting some N and now here we are.

For me it is now or never. I kind of backed myself into a corner here. After my work contract ended I never bothered to find a new job. I have been living off my savings and it is pretty much gone now. I was so sure I would have ctb by now. I am cutting it real close to becoming homeless. It is now or never for me.

 

[Crim3s]

im planning on ctb(ing) on New year

 

[LeGuitarist]

Well looks like 2021 is coming to an end in a couple days. Another year just came and went like that. I was so convinced at the start of the year that this would be my final year on this planet. My new years resolution was actually to ctb. I did make an attempt but ended up botching it. I plan on trying again in the upcoming weeks. I thought it would get easier after each attempt but I am still struggling with it.

What about you? Were you planning on ctb this year? Did you make an attempt?

If things had gone according to plan, I would've died back in 2018 or 2019. I definitely wasn't supposed to live this long.

 

[Seiba]

I was actually pretty pissed at myself for a while. But at least I know it is possible now. I feel more tired than anything. I just want to get this over with.

That sounds rough. I know people have successful hanged with random stuff like that but I would definitely use a strong rope. The consequences could be dire if the ligature breaks mid way. Have you found it easier to make new attempts now?

Well, the partial wasn't really an attempt but rather seeing if I could find the sweet spot to have an out if I wanted one. As for the basement bed sheet -- I tested the ligature. I'm pretty confident it wouldn't break, just painful and time consuming from a suicide perspective. As for the partial, It was pretty easy to get around to trying without emotions involved. Perhaps a psych trick to myself knowing it wasn't "serious". The basement was pretty hard, emotionally. I was not satisfied with my note either. I ended up just being anxious and going to bed, but saved the note for possible further editing or use.

I kind of view suicide as something that I'll "just do eventually" so I think when I'm met with having to actually act it abruptly forces an end to apathy that I typically live with. I also think it's method related, I think something like nembutal or sodium nitrite for me to be considerably easier for me to do. By the time I tie everything and test the ligature I could have already drank N multiple times.

N is a very good and peaceful method, while it's unfortunate you're in a position of wading through being homeless or not it is at the very least provides you with a decent amount of control. I would relate to the now or never feeling for my first attempt, I was very keen on leaving and avoiding the long term ramifications of sticking around. My first attempt was very hard emotionally and I sat in a chair for hours waiting, not to go into full detail as I'm sure it will bore others. To put it short I still managed to go through with it after everything, I think it's just a matter of being in enough emotional pain/tiredness and very desperate. I think my last attempt will be a lot emotionally easier than my first, but it will never be easy.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

Yeah your attempts sounds like what I went through. A few test runs leading up to a real attempt. I decided to go with N because it seemed way easier than trying to hang myself again. I always figured I would have been dead by now. It just sucks that I waited so long. When I was younger I was much more impulsive. I wish I would have done it back then.

 

[strangegirl]

I definitely was. I did a lot of research, but I struggle to find the energy, time, and space. I hope to do it this upcoming year before my birthday. I actually ended up in the hospital tonight for cutting myself too deeply, but it was an accident and there was no way it would have been fatal. Surprisingly though, I just got sent home. I really don't know what to do from here, I wanted this to be a moment where I seriously attempt to recover, but I don't feel anymore hopeful, I still want to do it before my birthday

 

[Bunyips]

I was supposed to die this year. Noose around my neck, blacked out then I ended up untying it. I was only doing partial suspension with a long dress fashioned into rope but survival instinct kicked in. my neck felt pretty funny for a while. This was in october. I had my exams delayed then I took them in december. Every day at some point I end up thinking I wish I had died when I had the chance. I don't have solid plans for this year but in the back of my mind i just think "theres always a way to die. If it gets too bad then we ctb". I am already losing my shit as we speak so I probably will attempt again when I'm alone in feb.

 

[Seiba]

Yeah your attempts sounds like what I went through. A few test runs leading up to a real attempt. I decided to go with N because it seemed way easier than trying to hang myself again. I always figured I would have been dead by now. It just sucks that I waited so long. When I was younger I was much more impulsive. I wish I would have done it back then.

The first time through I didn't really have any test runs. Failing the first time did make me go for test runs after however. Also, sorry to any moderators if I broke the rules by mention of method. I forgot about it. "All other talks regarding suicide, including goodbye threads, are still allowed. Just the how's regarding methods have to stop for now. I'm gonna pin the PPH to the suicide discussion forum." I did not provide any how's on how anything works, nor will I to anyone so I hope you accept it was in past tense and only to detail my experiences. I did not intend for anyone to take anything I said as method suggestion or a how on anything. Understandable if that is not the case, I will delete my post or accept moderation deleting them.

I can agree on being more impulsive and emotional when younger, getting older has dropped my energy levels and my emotions in general. My emotions involved with suicide have gone from emotional pain I could use to propel myself into leaving to just apathy. It would have been nice if it worked the first time for me as well.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

Every day at some point I end up thinking I wish I had died when I had the chance. I don't have solid plans for this year but in the back of my mind i just think "theres always a way to die. If it gets too bad then we ctb". I am already losing my shit as we speak so I probably will attempt again when I'm alone in feb.

Same here. I keep thinking why didn't I do it sooner? It sucks knowing you were so close to death. You feel wronged or cheated in some way. The past few months my life has been spiraling out of control. So I want to go soon as well.

I can agree on being more impulsive and emotional when younger, getting older has dropped my energy levels and my emotions in general. My emotions involved with suicide have gone from emotional pain I could use to propel myself into leaving to just apathy. It would have been if it worked the first time for me as well.

Yeah I definitely noticed this change too. That is why I want to go asap before I completely lose my nerve. Those who got it right their first time must have really done their homework or they were extremely lucky.

 

[sadanon3]

Well looks like 2021 is coming to an end in a couple days. Another year just came and went like that. I was so convinced at the start of the year that this would be my final year on this planet. My new years resolution was actually to ctb. I did make an attempt but ended up botching it. I plan on trying again in the upcoming weeks. I thought it would get easier after each attempt but I am still struggling with it.

What about you? Were you planning on ctb this year? Did you make an attempt?

Thought about it this year more than I have in a very long time. If the past is an indicator, I'm in for a good few years of it. Very unpleasant.

 

[little helpers]

every year I say it's the next year. but to echo @Death is your gift, dying is fucking difficult. body wants to live more than I do. so fuck it. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

also I find it real tiring that I can't fucking OD on shit anymore. that motherfucking tolerance I got. if I plan to die from an opiate OD I'd have to go to rehab first. now what a fucking joke that is.

I've tried a few times this year but...stupid survival instinct always kicks in :(

story of my life, man!

 

[Hyd999]

I thought i was gonna do it in 2020. But things improved enough in my life to not carry the plan out.

I was pretty damn sure i was gonna do it in 2021 also. But things seem to improve enough just to make them tolerable. I still cant tell you how many times a day i thought about doing it though.

But i feel like a ticking time bomb. I know im gonna reach a breaking point sooner or later. Only a matter of time

 

[Aeathelina]

I tried and failed this year and i'm gonna try again and again because its the only thing I can do.

 

[aka66647]

I've tried suspension hanging but didn't manage to loose consciousness. Keeping a 100g of SN in my drawer just to have an option when I decide to go away. Now I have this mentality that I literally can end my life any moment I want I am more at peace.

 

[littlelungs]

I've spent the past ten years consciously thinking to myself that THIS is the year I'm gonna go (and the ten years before that, being indifferent that I made it to see the new year), and then something always happened... false hope, hospitalization/being "saved", survival instinct.

I don't have any hope anymore – absolutely zero. I "know how" to not be hospitalized, and I refuse to ever go through that again. My survival instinct is not particularly strong at this point; I was pretty close to going on short notice in August 2021 and I was completely calm – it was just one big, fat "whatever" to me – but my affairs weren't properly in order and I don't want to die without at least writing a manifesto in which I say what I need to say and explain how and why I got to this point in the first place. I don't want all of this suffering to be for nothing, and I want to make myself clear. If someone uses my death as something for a fluffy "suicide prevention" thing or tries to portray it as something that was done irrationally and/or impulsively, instead of as something to advocate for the right to die or for actual social change, I will roll in my grave... but I'm getting off topic.

Time goes by so fast and getting everything ready is so incredibly difficult and draining in my condition. Thankfully I've made great progress in doing so and I'm hoping to be able to finally get my peace in 2022.

 

[Kennish]

Made some semi attempts at partial hanging. But that was in stress mode. I have bought sn and have anti-emitics. Still looking to buy N in the near future for peaceful passing.

 

[anywherebuthere]

Yes , but I keep holding on to the hope that things may actually get better or that I'm taken by a tragic accident . Suicide is the absolute last option for me because I don't want to devastate those I love through my actions .. I hate that I love my family so much that I'm willing to keep going through absolute hell for their peace of mind .

 

[Choco]

I was expecting to go earlier but it took time to choose a new method and plan stuff. I never attempted before.

 

[Ta555]

I've tried suspension hanging but didn't manage to loose consciousness. Keeping a 100g of SN in my drawer just to have an option when I decide to go away. Now I have this mentality that I literally can end my life any moment I want I am more at peace.

How did you manage to not lose consciousness in full suspension?

 

[seaweaves]

Yes and no

I think every year I believe it could be the year, but I don't exactly plan for any given time anymore like I did when I was younger, so much as I'm aware of my likely suicide as a constantly looming spectre—not being that far away, and sometimes coming closer or falling back.

 

[Onthe29th]

I made 2 attempts this year and failed. I changed my method and planned to ctb at the end of the month but delayed it to make sure I don't fail but I made it into 2022 I guess.

 

[FuneralCry]

Of course I wanted to ctb in 2021, I have been suicidal for a very long time and I have never wanted to be alive. However I have been held back by a lack of peaceful, and reliable way to exit and the fear of failure. I think if it was easier to leave, I would already be gone. Suicide is very difficult, I hope to fall asleep and never wake.

 

[victoria91]

My date was my 30th birthday which was on November 13th. The day came and went.

It's so difficult to plan it going unnoticed. Maybe this year will be the year!

 

[Phtzzzing]

Well looks like 2021 is coming to an end in a couple days. Another year just came and went like that. I was so convinced at the start of the year that this would be my final year on this planet. My new years resolution was actually to ctb. I did make an attempt but ended up botching it. I plan on trying again in the upcoming weeks. I thought it would get easier after each attempt but I am still struggling with it.

What about you? Were you planning on ctb this year? Did you make an attempt?

Yes, and I found out that my body will not accept the method I was trying to use. So...round-and-round I go. Fortunately no one is the wiser. I am putting together a new method, and hope that the universe will cooperate. Frustrating.

I definitely wanted to kill myself in 2021, hence why I joined SS when I was lucky enough to find it earlier in the year. I keep telling myself that I can't do it yet because I have to stick around for my dog, i love him, but im in so much pain, i just want the suffering to end.

I know how terribly difficult it is to leave a loving dependent behind, and understand the conflict that such a thing a contradiction can produce. I cannot think of a worse dilemma. My thoughts are with you my friend...((Hugs)).

 

[Chaestergram]

I actually wasn't planning on doing anything during 2021 but ended trying 3 times

 

[8AEM]

I've wanted to do it for years, including 2021, but I never had the means to.

 

[Feeding Pigeons]

I had two dates in 2021 that passed.