Discussion How long have you wanted to ctb?

[15dec]

I was really curious about this, especially because I've seen a few users say that even as a child the thought of dying, dying while saving someone, etc has come to mind, and now of course, they're here. When I started seeing this stuff I was pretty surprised because I thought I was the only one who'd ever thought of that kind of thing.

Anyway, I first started wanting to ctb when I was about 12, a few months after I first started to feel depressed and sad all the time. A lot of the feeling of wanting to ctb was just a feeling of not wanting to be here, and I ended up fantasising about dying saving someone else, and things like that. I've always had daydreams and whatnot about saving other people (I remember when I was about 5 running around the house pretending to be a superhero and saving people from my sister, lol) or rescuing them from accidents, things like that. I think it's an odd coincidence that so many of us seem to have had similar thoughts growing up, and now we've decided on, or are at least considering ctb.

Anyway, I'd love to hear from others about how long they've wanted to ctb, and how many of you have had similar thoughts about dying, possibly while saving someone else, how long for, etc.

 

[JustAboutDone]

Literally for as long as I can remember. Definitely I've clear thoughts about wishing I was dead from age 7 or 8 and wondering how I could achieve it. Primarily I think as my living circumstances were so awful I was constantly terrified and thought I would be killed anyway. No internet back then so no way to really find out and when people did ctb it was kept quiet like it was some dirty secret as if they'd done something terrible.

It's very isolating as a child feeling like that as it looks like all the other kids are playing and doing stuff and you just know there's no point to anything

 

[Morbid Cam]

Yeah for as long as I can remember I've wanted to die, even as a child I used to say really morbid things and still do I think its apart of my personality at this point lol, I'm always making morbid jokes because it helps me cope, you can either cry or laugh and I choose the laughing option

 

[Muri]

When I was very young I always wanted to "leave" or "pause" life. At that time I didn't know suicide was an option. I knew it was an option when I was around 10 and I've always wanted to ever since.

 

[Lil_Intro_Vert]

I only got serious about wanting to ctb after losing faith in Christianity, about six months ago. Before then i was in a lot of emotional pain and wanted to die a lot but knew i couldnt because of my religion and my gf, now even though i have a (different) gf i dont have religion holding me back. Feel like i might not have the courage to go through with it but who knows, hopefully i will soon

 

[wanttodie]

20+ years

 

[Nanami]

I was still in elementary school. I told my mum that I would jump off the school building if I ever had to return to that school again.

 

[NotWorthLiving]

Hold up. I voted with 1-6 months cause thats been me wanting to actually kill myself but for years I've always wanted to die to save someone else. Should I change my vote?

For almost as long as I can remember I've wanted to die for someone else, like jump infront of a vehicle or bullet or something to save them. Recently its been trading places with someone with a terminal illness or dying so they can have blood, organs or whatever to live the life they want to live.

But about 6 months ago I got urges to jump off bridges and stuff like that.

 

[kels]

I have wanted to die since around age 11. Depression and severe anxiety started at that time, and has never left. There have been some happy times, but there has always been that desire to turn it all off.

 

[stellabelle]

I've struggled with this on and off since childhood. I would've been better off jumping in front of the train when I lived near railroad tracks as a kid, to be honest.

 

[15dec]

Hold up. I voted with 1-6 months cause thats been me wanting to actually kill myself but for years I've always wanted to die to save someone else. Should I change my vote?

For almost as long as I can remember I've wanted to die for someone else, like jump infront of a vehicle or bullet or something to save them. Recently its been trading places with someone with a terminal illness or dying so they can have blood, organs or whatever to live the life they want to live.

But about 6 months ago I got urges to jump off bridges and stuff like that.

I voted 4-10 years since that's when I started to feel the actual urge to kill myself, though I did the exact same thing as you beforehand! It's all up to your interpretation on it though I suppose.

 

[Miss clefable]

Since 12 years old

 

[MsM3talGamer]

Since the ages of 8-9. I wanted to jump out of a 4th floor window.

 

[KitKat]

Since september, but on and off since I was 15.

 

[Paulsmith]

For about 11 years

 

[Whatshername]

Suicidal thoughts have been in the back of my mind for about 12 years, though I never voiced them to anyone (with one exception, but he thought I'm saying it for attention). I've only been thinking about it seriously and searching for peaceful methods for the past year.

 

[Circles]

When I was around 10 years old with my dad dying and cremated which scarred me for some time. Add in the bullying at school for being an overweight, near-mute four eyed freak in special ed. A dysfunctional family who sees you as a black sheep and couldn't teach a fucking thing about life skills. Holy fuck this why I try my best to forget the past, none of it is worth remembering.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

On and off for almost 20 years. I think for people who experience these feelings long term it can feel like a bit of an addiction - you go through better phases where you're reasonably okay and productive but then you find yourself slipping a little and indulging in thoughts of ctb more often.