How long have you been planning?

[NoHope4Me]

How long have you been planning?

Told myself I would CTB in about 2 years from now. Il be 28.

It gives me enough time to have some meaningful moments with friends and family while planning out every detail to ensure nothing goes wrong.

I plan on being very active in my planning. Leaving multiple letters for people, that they can read at different points in their lives and making sure I do some of things I've always wanted to do.

The hardest part will be leaving my friends and family behind but I can't live with myself anymore. I hate the thought of my future.

 

[H.O.Xan]

As long as I have till a perfect undisturbed opportunity presents itself

 

[dragonofenvy]

The last time I tried I had been thinking about it for months. I've been thinking about my end since I was 8. Told myself I didn't want to live to adulthood. Here I am. Told myself I wouldn't live past college. Here I am. Wrote tons of notes, spent weeks researching trying to perfect what I'd do. It wasn't perfect. Now, 4 days later, I don't have any plans. I feel like my safety net is gone. Not sure what to do.

 

[FuneralCry]

I wish I had the option to just painlessly cease existing and never suffer ever again but of course I'm so harmfully denied that as after all we exist in this horrific reality where suffering is seen as to force and prolong no matter what, it's all just so dreadful, terrible and cruel to me, there's just so much cruelty in how I cannot just have the option to permanently free myself from the torturous and futile burden of existing as a human. I've personally always and only wished to not exist, for me eternal sleep is always preferable to being enslaved in this existence capable of suffering to unlimited amounts just destined to decay and die anyway, the fact that the option of a guaranteed, painless death is denied for me with no risks of trying to die going wrong and leading to way worse torture as a result truly is so painful.

 

[kvorumese]

I wish I had the option to just painlessly cease existing and never suffer ever again but of course I'm so harmfully denied that as after all we exist in this horrific reality where suffering is seen as to force and prolong no matter what, it's all just so dreadful, terrible and cruel to me, there's just so much cruelty in how I cannot just have the option to permanently free myself from the torturous and futile burden of existing as a human. I've personally always and only wished to not exist, for me eternal sleep is always preferable to being enslaved in this existence capable of suffering to unlimited amounts just destined to decay and die anyway, the fact that the option of a guaranteed, painless death is denied for me with no risks of trying to die going wrong and leading to way worse torture as a result truly is so painful.

Hey, I've been seeing you on this forum frequently. It's evident that you really hate living on this planet, but if you don't mind me asking, do you intend on ever catching the bus? It's alright if you do not want to answer, it's just that this question has been plaguing me for a while haha

 

[Ezpz0109]

3 months, several failed attempts and "almosts"

The last time I tried I had been thinking about it for months. I've been thinking about my end since I was 8. Told myself I didn't want to live to adulthood. Here I am. Told myself I wouldn't live past college. Here I am. Wrote tons of notes, spent weeks researching trying to perfect what I'd do. It wasn't perfect. Now, 4 days later, I don't have any plans. I feel like my safety net is gone. Not sure what to do.

I can relate to you. As a child i knew i'd never make it out of school and make it to adulthood, i was sure i'd ctb long before i'd have to deal w adulthood and it's miseries. But here i am, just existing, not living, not dying, just existing. I researched so much for a peaceful way to go, but ig that's just not in the cards for me, i think st painful is the only way to go, i'm just waiting for things to get worse in the coming weeks, for things to fall apart so bad that the overwhelming feeling helps me overcome my SI and i finally do it.

 

[heartinparadise]

it's been years, and at this point it's a bit absurd thinking about how bad I am at ctb.
Sometimes looking at case studies and news about other people dying, I feel envious and puzzled by how easy it seemed for them.

And because I'm doing partial, I can almost guarantee the next time would be a fail. The nth fail on the nth day after months and months of new techniques, new resolve and new methods.
Ctb feels almost unreasonably difficult

 

[areyousafe??]

I always knew that my death will be by suicide. I only started actively planning in November of last year

 

[bananaolympus]

RIght now im not looking in to the future i have my sn and when i wake up i ask myself if i can endure another day

 

[human909]

I've been planning for about one month now. I don't know exactly when I will decide to catch the bus but my next attempt will be around April or may.

 

[Manfrotto99]

Years, because I don't really want out but it's becoming increasingly more difficult to survive. I always managed to find an excuse to keep going, my mum, my dog, but they are gone and I don't have any anymore excuses to help me get through the pain, so I know the time is very close.

 

[billie]

 

[Forever Sleep]

In terms of practical, active ideation, since I joined the forum a few years ago. I've had ideation for 35 years. I got as far as researching methods in the past. I did a recce to a bridge once. But, in terms of researching and buying a method, that has only happened relatively recently.

Mainly because I must be nearing a time where I feel able to act on it. I've always wanted to wait for my Dad to go first and, he's in his late 70's now. So, it seemed sensible to prepare. It makes my mind ever so slightly easier knowing I have something to hand.

 

[Tombs_in_your_eyes]

The plan since childhood has been to CTB after my mom dies. I have been actively planning ever since she was diagnosed with a terminal illness last year. Although ultimately I think I'm too afraid of death and dying to go through with it.