Discussion How long have you been actively suicidal?

[mlcs]

Are you afraid that postponing ctb for a longer time will eventually lead you to giving up and dying naturally of an old age?

 

[the12.mors.ishigh]

i was okay or not doing so bad for maybe 2 months. i've felt fucking horrible for a week now. if i didn't remove my notes and plan from existence, i'd be crossing the bridge soon.

the longest i've been suicidal has been maybe +-5 months. the whole period of time was pure agony and there was nothing to do, everything was just wrong. during this time i didn't brush my teeth and i barely took showers. maybe 4 time the whole 5 months. i couldn't stand myself and i was so tired. i felt so nasty and disgusting, i felt like this was my time. it was hurting to be alive, i didn't feel like i should be here, and nothing made me feel better.
my school year was fucked up but i still managed to go to school most of the time, i took some breaks of 3-5 days and they all add up to over 40 days away from school.

the five months i spent on planning everything. tge method and the technique if needed, letters/notes tho i didn't feel like writing anything to anyone. i just wanted to leave and disappear.
this five month period ended with a failed ctb attempt (si) and i eventually got better.

i've tried to leave 2 times, and that was the secondary attempt.

i wish that my current feeling of wanting to ctb will last long and that i will face the si with less problems. i want to make sure that there's n o going back, my only wish.

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case I've certainly never wished to exist here and I've always found comfort in the thought of being finally free from everything, wanting to cease existing is pretty much all I know and I've been thinking about suicide methods for a long time now, I'm pretty much wishing to be gone every waking moment. And yes, the thought of potentially suffering for decades longer terrifies me, the problem is that suicide is just to difficult and risky in this world, if one doesn't find a way to leave they have no choice but to be trapped here.

 

[mlcs]

In my case I've certainly never wished to exist here and I've always found comfort in the thought of being finally free from everything, wanting to cease existing is pretty much all I know and I've been thinking about suicide methods for a long time now, I'm pretty much wishing to be gone every waking moment. And yes, the thought of potentially suffering for decades longer terrifies me, the problem is that suicide is just to difficult and risky in this world, if one doesn't find a way to leave they have no choice but to be trapped here.

which method are you planning to use?

 

[FuneralCry]

which method are you planning to use?

I don't have any plans to leave in the near future sadly. Suicide just isn't straightforward for me personally.

 

[ARW3N]

One of the most paradoxical facts of life is that we're gonna die anyway even if we fail in the act or postpone it.

 

[Forever Sleep]

The definition only partly makes sense to me. Like- I understand what passively suicidal means- it's like wishing you were dead- fantasizing about it. Still- isn't it still kind of passive if you are fantasizing about certain methods but then- not actually doing anything about acquiring them? So- that was definitely me for the past 32ish years.

Actively suicidal seems to be more about making actual plans and preparing. In which case- that was me when I joined the site just over a year ago and bought SN etc. BUT I don't have immediate plans to go. My suicide relies on other factors... So- does that mean I'm passively suicidal again? I'm guessing I'm still actively suicidal maybe...

It seems weird to me though. Like- HOW many people are just passively suicidal? If actively suicidal simply means to be seriously considering methods- that's most people I imagine who have ideation! Most people are schooled to be proactive- so- when we want something in life (even if it's death!) we tend to go about working out how to achieve it! Otherwise- isn't it just depression? 'I'm a failure, the world would be better off without me.' etc.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Are you afraid that postponing ctb for a longer time will eventually lead you to giving up and dying naturally of an old age?

About 5 years and it depends on whether I have more or less hope that things still could eventually change again and could become better.

I will never give up the option to CTB should I really reach the point when there is absolutely no other way for me to go anymore.

 

[Lostsoul333]

I've thought about suicide for at least 15 years but haven't actually tried to ctb until the last 8 months.
I got divorced and moved out with the intention to OD on pain pills. I unfortunately have a freakishly high tolerance so I'm still here and f'd financially. Next time I'll attempt to ctb I'll OD cheaply on fentanyl and/or heroin.

 

[mlcs]

I've thought about suicide for at least 15 years but haven't actually tried to ctb until the last 8 months.
I got divorced and moved out with the intention to OD on pain pills. I unfortunately have a freakishly high tolerance so I'm still here and f'd financially. Next time I'll attempt to ctb I'll OD cheaply on fentanyl and/or heroin.

how easy is it to get fentanyl?

 

[Lostsoul333]

how easy is it to get fentanyl?

Here in the US pressed (fake) pills have flooded the streets. It's easier to find fake pills made with fentanyl here than real ones.

 

[outrider567]

17 months yesterday

 

[Duochrome-Seahorse]

I think it's been 6 months I've felt this consistently suicidal. Usually it's on and off months apart but that slowly turned into days and I just think about it everyday

 

[ihatethisplanet]

About a year and a half, right when my marriage started going belly up. Now my dog is gone too and joining this forum is the biggest step I've taken towards it so far. I did write a letter once, just to see what it might look like, but I didn't have serious plans at that point. Now my mind is constantly going, trying to figure out some way to get out of here without failing. I'm also scared though because I'm worried about hell. My emotions are just all over the place.

 

[flightlessbutterfly]

Eh. 2 years? Depends on what actively means, I've been thinking about death and suicide and the topic has always been in the back of my mind, I just despise pain and haven't been able to find a reliable and painless method to let myself go yet. I've fantasised about many different plans and have actively thought things out but the idea of the pain it will bring me always puts me off actually attempting.

 

[Bagel Lover]

2 months, probably around May when I realized I had the means to go out the way I want to. Planning to ctb before my SN expires (if not scammed).

 

[leavingsoon99]

Since age 8. I was mislead by optimism and hope. Not anymore. Old age will not kill me.

 

[Strawberries]

About 14 years.. no I'm not afraid I'll die of old age, as I just can't live this kind of life w/ all my illnesses for another maybe 50 to 60 years, my life is torture in one way or another every single day and I have several very reliable methods.
I would just prefer to wait until a family situation resolves (my moms husband and father, so my stepfather and grandfather are both dying of incurable cancer and I ideally want to wait til they have passed which could be a few years and she has been through the grieving process to do it, also I don't want my grandpa having to go through the pain of me ctb) so that it's not gonna be as hard on my mom losing her only child, like it would be now w/ her husband and father also dying. Theoretically I could die anytime though due to my frequent extremely risky behavior, but my mom knows about my wish to die and does understand it, but of course she would rather have me here with her and isn't ready to give me "permission" to do it yet, (she said maybe someday she will)especially because of the dramatic family situation right now. But my mom has also told me that it would be easier for her if I die of an "accidental" overdose rather than ctb..

 

[blacksand]

since 2020 my mental health has got worse and worse. I lost my first proper job due to a company restructure in the last few days of 2019 and moved home. I've sat here trying to break back into the industry with job applications with no success for 3.5 years now and working different minimum wage jobs between stretches of being a neet. I've run out of time and money and just want to fucking die. I've always had a depressive outlook but this time back home has been like a dementor sucking my soul out for years now and I just cant do it anymore.

 

[The anhedonic one]

I have suffered from clinical depression since age 6. I'm now 59.
I have been considering suicide since I was around 13 years old.
Yet, have always had a little hope that things could get better.
Nowadays I have completely lost all hope and don't want to get better.
All I want to do now is die, and absolutely nothing can change my mind about this.

 

[day]

Been constant for maybe 8-9 months. Figure I'll let it get to a year before I decide to CTB. Doubtful but maybe it gets better.

 

[FrostedHoax]

I've only started seriously planning out my suicide earlier this year but as for wanting to die, I'm pretty sure it's been a good 4-5 years that I've had constant thoughts about how much I just wanted to go into a deep, permanent sleep and finally escape this miserable life.

 

[delusionalgirl]

I've been suicidal for a very very long time but I go through waves of planning. My plan is set now. This time it will happen. However I notice my recklessness has gone up exponentially. At this point if something takes me out sooner my thought is so be it

 

[acerace]

About 8 yrs now switching btwn passive and active. I'm determined to make this time work. I'm not about to give up because I still have a long way to go for dying of old age and every day feels like a century.