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Marktheghost
Paragon
- Feb 20, 2020
- 911
It's going rubbish. There's still no news. Nothing ever changes. I'm never going to have a life.
LunarPyotr
Похорони меня возле МКАДа
- Jul 4, 2020
- 495
Well, let's just say I took a very long timeout from my daily life. I bailed out my friend by selling some of my BTC's and borrowed his overpriced computer on wheels aka. Tesla Model S to travel a bit through Germany.
At some point I decided to take a couple of jobs in Bavaria, where I helped a couple of companies to move their IT equipment from one city to another (earned like 4291$ after I did the whole taxation work). Now, I got back home and have also Internet access.
After all of this, I now feel ready to leave this god damn country and travel to my old roommate's home, which he bought after I gave him like 50% of the purchase price in BTC's.
1 week after arrive there, I'll be able to begin my work at a local pawn shop, where I'll repair and price the computers and smartphones there.
I'll also have to do a drivers license since the guy who's on my legit/fake ID, did only have a license for tractors and small 50cc motorcycles.
How have you been doing lately?
I didn't visit this forum for quite a while and probably missed many of your recovery threads
At some point I decided to take a couple of jobs in Bavaria, where I helped a couple of companies to move their IT equipment from one city to another (earned like 4291$ after I did the whole taxation work). Now, I got back home and have also Internet access.
After all of this, I now feel ready to leave this god damn country and travel to my old roommate's home, which he bought after I gave him like 50% of the purchase price in BTC's.
1 week after arrive there, I'll be able to begin my work at a local pawn shop, where I'll repair and price the computers and smartphones there.
I'll also have to do a drivers license since the guy who's on my legit/fake ID, did only have a license for tractors and small 50cc motorcycles.
How have you been doing lately?
I didn't visit this forum for quite a while and probably missed many of your recovery threads
Sounds like you been busy. Must have been a treat to drive the tesla?Well, let's just say I took a very long timeout from my daily life. I bailed out my friend by selling some of my BTC's and borrowed his overpriced computer on wheels aka. Tesla Model S to travel a bit through Germany.
At some point I decided to take a couple of jobs in Bavaria, where I helped a couple of companies to move their IT equipment from one city to another (earned like 4291$ after I did the whole taxation work). Now, I got back home and have also Internet access.
After all of this, I now feel ready to leave this god damn country and travel to my old roommate's home, which he bought after I gave him like 50% of the purchase price in BTC's.
1 week after arrive there, I'll be able to begin my work at a local pawn shop, where I'll repair and price the computers and smartphones there.
I'll also have to do a drivers license since the guy who's on my legit/fake ID, did only have a license for tractors and small 50cc motorcycles.
How have you been doing lately?
I didn't visit this forum for quite a while and probably missed many of your recovery threads
I wanted to rent a SUV to travel across the country into the wilderness for two weeks. A 1700km ride to the park, park is The park is 19 485 km². Turns out that it will cost much more than a trip overseas, plus the minimum liability waiver on the vehicle is not that minimum. I cant travel overseas due to covid, and my contract with a company. At the moment I only work on Tuesdays, and most often it is remotely.
I need to make money, also in IT.
Other than that, I dont see much positivity in recovery, a lot of people left.
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One day I want to recover, like yesterday for example. Today I don't even want it anymore. Today I think that even if I successfully recover, my life will never be fulfilled. I lost so many years to my illness, my best years... I'll never have a career or a stable job that I would like. I'm not suitable for this world. I don't want to live in an overpopulated world. I don't like being around lots of people. My city isn't very large, but it's so overcrowded. Traffic is horrible, never ending constructions and road work. I would need to be rich if I want a comfortable life.
I hear you, all the days seems the same. No light yet...
If you had the money, what would you do to improve your life?
If you had the money, what would you do to improve your life?
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At first I would move out from this city that I hate. I would get a nice house near the beach in a small town. I would look for professional help to recover. It's free healthcare where I live, but it's poor in quality, it never helped me. I know someone who could help me with my OCD, because they helped me already, but I can no longer afford. And doing it on my own is very hard. I would donate to a lot of animal charities and to those who are less fortunate. I would travel a lot, because traveling helps my mental illness. And finally, no one would dear to belittle me anymore, no one would call me useless, because people respect you if you're wealthy. I know it wouldn't solve all my problems, but it would definitely improve my life. And if nothing improves, I could get N. Right now, I can't even afford a good ctb method.
I also have severe OCD, recently started Wellbutrin, which helps me a lot, in the last two weeks I had zero episodes, and yes, traveling helps, I did it for 5 years, 3 times a year.
Animal therapy works best for me, when I am with the elephants, tigers, lions, wolves, I forget about my problems.
Animal therapy works best for me, when I am with the elephants, tigers, lions, wolves, I forget about my problems.
Do you get any side effects from Wellbutrin? I've been on different antidepressants and they just messed me up more. Side effects were so horrible. You're lucky to find the ones that are helpful, because it's very difficult to treat OCD. For me the things that help me most are the gym and exposure, but you need willpower to go to the gym. And exposure is really hard.
I agree about animal therapy. Being around animals is so helpful. I'm looking for a job in animal care, there are a lot of animal clinics, hospitals and dog hotels where I live. I had a job like that before and it was the best job I've ever had. Doing dog rehab, walking, playing etc. It was a therapy itself, I didn't have to deal with people and I got paid. Win win situation. But I got that job through connections. Now nobody wants to hire me:(
Well , then you have something in your favour, you know what job will be best for you. Some people have no idea what to do. Maybe you should start looking at job offerings online, just to see what options you have.
Wellbutrin is the best medication I have ever used, and I have been on so many. Wellbutrin did not cause any side effects, except for high energy levels. This medication causes a spike in dopamine, which is known for "going out there and do your thing" , It really gets you going. Serotonin is for finding contentment of what you already have at home.
Unfortunately I am also on a high dose of Benzos, but it has little effect on me during daytime, it puts me to sleep at night. This was prescribed for chronic pain, many years ago, 175mg Amitriptyline, 2,5 mg Lorazepam.
I lost so many things and money due to OCD, now I am asking myself why did I not go on Wellbutrin before, it would've changed my behavior drastically.
BTW, my psychiatrist says that Welbutrin and navalpro combined is the best treatment for OCD. I could not take it for very long, as I started to fall a lot, but I already have spinal cord issues, navalpro delays nerve activity, on-top of my spinal compression.... It worked well for OCD tho.
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But this kind of job won't make me lots of money. It just can give me some peace of mind. I looked for online offers as well, but no one wants me. It's especially hard because of Covid.
Thanks for sharing your experience with Wellbutrin. I'll look into it if I decide that I'll live. Right now I'm so afraid to try any new antidepressants in the near future. I love benzos though, but doctors don't even prescribe them here (at least not to me) no matter how bad your anxiety and insomnia is. I partly blame mental healthcare system for my suffering.
You said you lost many things due to your OCD... I can relate so much. So many opportunities lost.
Is there anything that could be done to help your spinal cord problems in the future? Any physiotherapy? I suffered with spine problems a lot, physical health problems made my mental health problems a lot worse.
western_heart
trying to save ourself
- May 23, 2021
- 628
Not great, am not in much of a recovery mindset right now. A week ago I was feeling hopeful about getting treatment for PTSD, but then I had a destabilizing argument on Saturday and then an intense flashback on Wednesday. I'm devastated.
I've already made a few posts on SS this morning so ...
I've already made a few posts on SS this morning so ...
Yes, there is no real money in working with animals, when money is no longer a problem, I will definitely volunteer in Thailand, caring for Elephants, and Tigers.
As I said, I lost many things due to poor decision making, which was caused by OCD, and depression. I think I will not make any decisions in the future while I suffer from major OCD, and depression episodes. I will refuse to make any major decisions while affected by these conditions.
While you have OCD episodes you are 100% convinced that you have to do certain things, if you dont, you suffer mentally. Those impulses are so strong, I could not have managed it by myself. My psychiatrist figured out that my eating disorder was caused by OCD.
I had a series of surgeries as a teenager, to stop the progression. It was massive invasive surgical interventions, I have been cut from the brain down to the lower spine. There is nothing more that they can do for me. They pretty much give me what I ask for, as for the conditions, and have no history of abusing any substances. I also dont change my doctors.
I would not recommend benzodiazepines to anyone, unless you have severe peripheral, or central nerve damage which keeps you awake at night.
This sounds so rough. I'm sorry you had to deal with so many serious health problems and are still dealing with them. You should be proud of yourself that you can still function as an independent adult.
OCD can make you do crazy, irrational things. I've been through so many types of OCD , it was horrible. At least I was able to get rid of most physical compulsions. I'm mostly dealing with mental compulsions now and those are the hardest to get rid of.
I know that benzos aren't ideal, it's a band aid and not a solution. But when nothing works, I'm happy to take a band aid.
Compulsions are bad. As you said, OCD changes it colors, sometimes it conceals itself so much that one may think that "it is just the way that I am". Mine was obvious at the beginning, obsessive cleaning etc, but it became much more complicated, and not easy to identify.
At this stage my biggest problems are pain, my dark childhood, and how it affects me in my adulthood. Loses were huge.
I still believe that one can be happy while having all of your problems. One can be happy while in severe physical pain. I have done it before, I need to do it again.
At this stage my biggest problems are pain, my dark childhood, and how it affects me in my adulthood. Loses were huge.
I still believe that one can be happy while having all of your problems. One can be happy while in severe physical pain. I have done it before, I need to do it again.
I tried to recover after something very good happened September 2020. However I recognized in the last months that my problems are still not solvable and my hope is almost completely gone again. Currently after a suicidal crisis thinking about trying again recovery but I am asking me for what. My option what to do next are all miserable. Before I ctb I want to say that I've tried everything to avoid it. So i guess there is more agony awaiting me.
I've hit a roadblock of sorts, in that I'm irritable as all hell. Everyone annoys me and are too noisy. I just the world to quiet down, pipe down for like a week.
Yeah, compulsions are worse than obsessions. They give so much anxiety if you mess them up. And like you said, it's not easy to identify. I had cleaning compulsions and it was so bad. Somehow I got rid of 90 % of compulsive cleaning. But I always feel on the verge. I avoid to clean my apartment now to the last minute, because I'm afraid to fall back into this compulsive cleaning. So it takes a lot of courage to clean it without overdoing it.
And the obsessions are so bad, sometimes you don't know whether it's OCD or not. But one wise man told me: If you don't know if it's an obsession or not - treat it like an obsession, it will do no harm. So I always try to remember that when I'm confused.
I'm glad you still have this mindset, that one can be happy despite all the pain, trauma and stuff. It gives me some courage today! I think you're going on the right track!
Well, I like your attitude of having to try everything.
I have a similar mentality, I will endure until I cant no more, and I am afraid that day will never come, because I have been through hell in this life, and almost everything that could go wrong with my health did go wrong, and so in my personal, and professional life. So I have reach a stage where I almost feel like it is not worth giving-up now, after going through all of this, all would have been for nothing if I give-up now.
More pain will come, it will become even harder, suffering has no limit, nor does happiness.
FuneralCry
Just wanting some peace
- Sep 24, 2020
- 38,535
I wouldn't say I'm exactly recovering, I would call it just existing instead. I do however try to do things to make my days better such as going for a little walk, but I still feel very tired and the large majority of my time is spent not wanting to be here.
LunarPyotr
Похорони меня возле МКАДа
- Jul 4, 2020
- 495
Let's just say that my car needs some parts in order to travel with it safely but Covid basically delayed all of my packages.
When it comes to that Tesla, it's an impressive car but personally I love independent repairs and a Tesla doesn't offer this kid of "treatment".
Or better saying, most car that were produced after 2002, have a bunch of stupid electronics on board that make even simple stuff like changing the 12v battery, quite a challenge (thanks to the Start-Stop Technology.
Well, that's why I drive old cars and after crossing the border, I'll have to abound my old car and get a new one and I was thinking about an old Mercedes W123 or W124 since they are very comfortable for long distances, easy to repair and very safe (not 5 Star Rating safe but definitely safer than small/cheap cars like Dacia Duster or an VW Up )
When it comes to your situation, maybe some 2004-2011 Chrysler or Dogge would be a great car for traveling. Perhaps an old GMC FBI Van with all the DC to AC converters already built in could be a nice treat. Just getting rid of the shelves, putting some random WalMart ones in and getting an portable bed, could be an solution for the problems of too high costs for rental cars.
However, don't be like most people and buy an Ford Crown Vict. since this car consumes quite a lot of gasoline. Specially if it's an ex-cop car which comes with some heavy armor and (apparently) bulletproof door windows.
You lost years, maybe in those years you were healthier or prettier or more motivated. But they weren't your best years clearly, because your illness was there interfering with it.
Your best years are still ahead! Amazing years where you can fight against your problems and live a fulfilling life in spite of them. They'll never go away completely, but the goal is not to be a totally normal and perfect person, but rather a healthy and functioning person, someone who can handle life's bullshit in a constructive way and who can work, go to school, get groceries, and do other basic life tasks with relative ease.
You're perfect for this world, you're a living and breathing human who beat billions of years of evolution to be born and living in this moment. Sometimes we need some help to cope with daily life, but it's like how some of us wear glasses to see and other people take medications so that their heart can beat. It's normal to fluctuate in between getting better and letting it all go, as long as you can barely picture that better version of yourself at the end of it all, you're in a good spot, just try to remember these things!
Marktheghost
Paragon
- Feb 20, 2020
- 911
You could do that, it is not something that I would ever do.
Having tons of money would keep me busy. I used to traveling alone, so I would keep doing it. Traveling can get boring, but it is still better than sitting at home.
western_heart
trying to save ourself
- May 23, 2021
- 628
Agree, I no longer have the means to travel but it kept me occupied for a few years in my 20s. Having a car and a credit card empowers me.
I traveled for 5 years, 3 times a year, overseas trips. I had the money, and a broken mind, it kept me going. It did get boring at times.
I make youtube videos when I travel.
well here is my shopping list for now
Rolls Royce Wraith - for business and Sunday drives, and inner peace.
Bentley Continental Limited Edition - for business, Saturday drives, and forgiveness.
Mercedes AMG GT - for going to the mall, inner strength, and a purposeful life.
Range Rover Sport SRV - for taking the dogs to the vet
Lamborghini Huracan - for Friday nights, and for the longevity of the heart and soul.
Ford Mustang - for going to the supermarket, and compassion for all beings
Porsche Carrera S - for Wednesday nights, and a pure heart.
Mclaren P1 GTR - for Monday nights, sincerity, and modesty
PS: Please do not presume that this is the only cars that I am going to buy. It is just that I dont want to look like someone who spends too much money on cars.
and they say money cant buy you happiness? pfft !
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