Venting how i ruined my life

[kickitnsee]

it all started with an adderall prescription. i was taking it in an unwise manner, sometimes using it to pull all-nighters to catch up on schoolwork. i experienced a character shift, i became a complete asshole. i was easily irritable and constantly thought i was discovering the biggest secrets of the universe. when people pushed back against my delusions i was increasingly rude to them. i have little snippets of memories where the best i can describe my behavior to my friends was torturous. this eventually led to me ruining the one relationship i treasured the most with my boyfriend. one night, i completely lost my mind and texted him and his sister long threads of messages in code. i was having a complete freakout, i thought that he was going to commit suicide. i don't remember what i said but it was enough for his sister to tell me to never reach out to the family again.

that night i was hospitalized and my mental state got significantly worse in the hospital and i was put in the psych ward. i also cut my hair that night and i've felt hideous ever since. when i finally got out i had to drop all my classes except one, but i was still going through a sort of psychotic break. i walked around campus saying all kinds of crazy shit to complete strangers. now i have to see them whenever i leave my room.

now i'm failing all my classes because my brain has been mush since i got out of the hospital and it's so humiliating. i did so much talking while i was insane but now i can't even bare to speak more than 5 words and all my assignments that i turn in sound like nonsense. all i do nowadays is think about ctb.

i think i mostly want to kill myself because it just feels embarrassing to keep on living. every day i see ppl who i tried to convince that the world was ending or some other insane theory. the only thing is that my suicide would ruin the vibes of the coed frat i pledged to make up for losing all my friends last semester :( we're supposed to be going on a trip this weekend but i really need to kill myself before i fail another exam on wednesday the professor really liked me freshman year so i feel terrible that i'm tanking her class now. i don't want to like…shift the trajectory of my sibs lives with my suicide but every single day is excruciatingly humiliating for me. i feel so pathetic every day i wish i could jump into an incinerator

i've tried partial and the tourniquet method to no avail but i've been considering jumping off a parking deck across from my dorm. if i go late enough at night there'll be no one around. those are my only options since i live in a dorm and can't get resources delivered. my noose has been hanging in my room since i got back from spring break. i've consistently attempted to use it to ctb but i guess i'm too pussy

 

[FuneralCry]

Ctb really is so difficult, I think that if it was easier, I would already be gone. The fact that you are still here does not mean that you are cowardly. I have never attempted hanging, the fear of failure is what holds me back. It sounds really awful what you are going through, I can imagine that it must have been horrible being in a psych ward. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[eguiö]

it all started with an adderall prescription. i was taking it in an unwise manner, sometimes using it to pull all-nighters to catch up on schoolwork. i experienced a character shift, i became a complete asshole. i was easily irritable and constantly thought i was discovering the biggest secrets of the universe. when people pushed back against my delusions i was increasingly rude to them. i have little snippets of memories where the best i can describe my behavior to my friends was torturous. this eventually led to me ruining the one relationship i treasured the most with my boyfriend. one night, i completely lost my mind and texted him and his sister long threads of messages in code. i was having a complete freakout, i thought that he was going to commit suicide. i don't remember what i said but it was enough for his sister to tell me to never reach out to the family again.

that night i was hospitalized and my mental state got significantly worse in the hospital and i was put in the psych ward. i also cut my hair that night and i've felt hideous ever since. when i finally got out i had to drop all my classes except one, but i was still going through a sort of psychotic break. i walked around campus saying all kinds of crazy shit to complete strangers. now i have to see them whenever i leave my room.

now i'm failing all my classes because my brain has been mush since i got out of the hospital and it's so humiliating. i did so much talking while i was insane but now i can't even bare to speak more than 5 words and all my assignments that i turn in sound like nonsense. all i do nowadays is think about ctb.

i think i mostly want to kill myself because it just feels embarrassing to keep on living. every day i see ppl who i tried to convince that the world was ending or some other insane theory. the only thing is that my suicide would ruin the vibes of the coed frat i pledged to make up for losing all my friends last semester :( we're supposed to be going on a trip this weekend but i really need to kill myself before i fail another exam on wednesday the professor really liked me freshman year so i feel terrible that i'm tanking her class now. i don't want to like…shift the trajectory of my sibs lives with my suicide but every single day is excruciatingly humiliating for me. i feel so pathetic every day i wish i could jump into an incinerator

i've tried partial and the tourniquet method to no avail but i've been considering jumping off a parking deck across from my dorm. if i go late enough at night there'll be no one around. those are my only options since i live in a dorm and can't get resources delivered. my noose has been hanging in my room since i got back from spring break. i've consistently attempted to use it to ctb but i guess i'm too pussy

I understand that what you are going through must feel humiliating. But maybe you cognitive abilities might improve with time and is there a way you could change towns to not have to see people who saw you when you were "crazy"? Or maybe just tell the people who are important to you what happened, that you had a psychotic break and now its under controll and you are sorry if you scared them. I think most might be understanding and wish you well.

 

[demuic]

I understand that what you are going through must feel humiliating. But maybe you cognitive abilities might improve with time and is there a way you could change towns to not have to see people who saw you when you were "crazy"? Or maybe just tell the people who are important to you what happened, that you had a psychotic break and now its under controll and you are sorry if you scared them. I think most might be understanding and wish you well.

Yes, I agree with this.

Would you be able to transfer schools? Or go on a leave of absence and take a break for a while? If you explain to the school/your professor that you experienced a psychotic break they may be able to accommodate you.

I understand it can be painful to face people. It sounds like you've gone through a lot. I wish you well.

 

[Riddle]

Honestly, readiing your post. I know it seems all overwhelming right now, but do your best to get through and destress, make sure you get at least passing grades in your classes, and in a few years when you are working 9-5 this will be a minor blip in your life. Time gives perspective and over time this whole period of your life will be considered a blip in your arc. In 10 years the event will barely occupy your mind

 

[downndone2]

I can relate to your post. I'm sorry you're going thru this and I hope with time, your clarity returns. I would also suggest changing towns if you can.
I went thru some neuro issues and med withdrawal that caused months of manic rage. I lost the love of my life, spent recklessly (lost most my life savings), lost most my friends, my sense of any worth, and ruined my business. I cannot remember half the shit I did but what I do recall is awful. Since late 2019, i very rarely ever leave my house, luckily i work from home. I isolate myself from everyone. I want to move away from the city I'm in

 

[Pain In The Ass]

it all started with an adderall prescription. i was taking it in an unwise manner, sometimes using it to pull all-nighters to catch up on schoolwork. i experienced a character shift, i became a complete asshole. i was easily irritable and constantly thought i was discovering the biggest secrets of the universe. when people pushed back against my delusions i was increasingly rude to them. i have little snippets of memories where the best i can describe my behavior to my friends was torturous. this eventually led to me ruining the one relationship i treasured the most with my boyfriend. one night, i completely lost my mind and texted him and his sister long threads of messages in code. i was having a complete freakout, i thought that he was going to commit suicide. i don't remember what i said but it was enough for his sister to tell me to never reach out to the family again.

that night i was hospitalized and my mental state got significantly worse in the hospital and i was put in the psych ward. i also cut my hair that night and i've felt hideous ever since. when i finally got out i had to drop all my classes except one, but i was still going through a sort of psychotic break. i walked around campus saying all kinds of crazy shit to complete strangers. now i have to see them whenever i leave my room.

now i'm failing all my classes because my brain has been mush since i got out of the hospital and it's so humiliating. i did so much talking while i was insane but now i can't even bare to speak more than 5 words and all my assignments that i turn in sound like nonsense. all i do nowadays is think about ctb.

i think i mostly want to kill myself because it just feels embarrassing to keep on living. every day i see ppl who i tried to convince that the world was ending or some other insane theory. the only thing is that my suicide would ruin the vibes of the coed frat i pledged to make up for losing all my friends last semester :( we're supposed to be going on a trip this weekend but i really need to kill myself before i fail another exam on wednesday the professor really liked me freshman year so i feel terrible that i'm tanking her class now. i don't want to like…shift the trajectory of my sibs lives with my suicide but every single day is excruciatingly humiliating for me. i feel so pathetic every day i wish i could jump into an incinerator

i've tried partial and the tourniquet method to no avail but i've been considering jumping off a parking deck across from my dorm. if i go late enough at night there'll be no one around. those are my only options since i live in a dorm and can't get resources delivered. my noose has been hanging in my room since i got back from spring break. i've consistently attempted to use it to ctb but i guess i'm too pussy

did you ever really enjoy the thing you are trying to study? why did you take the adderall in the first place? were you disinterested without it? maybe you don't need to be in that place, around those people, where you now feel uncomfortable, and are doing badly in classes? maybe you're now just surrounded by and immersed in a local world where you don't want to be, rather than the actual world? could you leave, move somewhere else, do something else that you really want to do?