Venting "How frequently do you have these thoughts?"

[february in alaska]

Well, when I see a car or a bus in the road, I wonder if they're going fast enough to kill me. When I walk over the train tracks every day on my way to work, I wonder if it would be easier to lie down on top of them. I live in the city, so every day I look up at the skyline and tall buildings and skyscrapers and wonder which ones would kill me if I jumped off the top. I see trees and imagine which branches would work for hanging myself. I use boxcutters for my job and try not to "accidentally" let my hand slip when I have them

I can't see anything without relating it back to my own death. Doesn't matter. Trees, weapons, cars, roads, buildings, medicine, chemicals, rope, sharp objects, everything. I feel like my brain has already rotted away and all that's left is this. Every single day it's a constant loop of looking around at the world and seeing every single opportunity hidden in it. I can't imagine NOT seeing it. I literally cannot comprehend what it's like to be a normal person and not get triggered by every single thing I see

Feeling unreasonably angry and bitter tonight, not even about anything in particular. My brain just fucking hates me

 

[JKFleck]

When I walk outside I have to walk far inside of the sidewalk to prevent myself from giving in to the random urges of thoughts like "HMM WHAT IF I STEP OUT MY FOOT in front of this moving car and get my foot crushed" "HMM what if I jump in front of these fast vehicles"

 

[Forever Sleep]

It's also on my mind a lot of the time but not so much in the sense of seeing potential methods everywhere. I pretty much know my method would be SN, so I think about drinking that a lot.

But, mine is more just the want to do it- 'I want to kill myself, I'm going to do this one day, I can't wait for this to be over, I wonder how long I'll have to wait (waiting for my Dad to go first.) I wonder if I'll be in a position and head space to do it shortly after.' etc.

 

[february in alaska]

When I walk outside I have to walk far inside of the sidewalk to prevent myself from giving in to the random urges of thoughts like "HMM WHAT IF I STEP OUT MY FOOT in front of this moving car and get my foot crushed" "HMM what if I jump in front of these fast vehicles"

Exactly, and I don't even feel like I can call them "intrusive thoughts" at this point because they aren't intrusive at all, I literally want to do it

It's also on my mind a lot of the time but not so much in the sense of seeing potential methods everywhere. I pretty much know my method would be SN, so I think about drinking that a lot.

But, mine is more just the want to do it- 'I want to kill myself, I'm going to do this one day, I can't wait for this to be over, I wonder how long I'll have to wait (waiting for my Dad to go first.) I wonder if I'll be in a position and head space to do it shortly after.' etc.

That makes sense, I feel very similarly. I've been depressed and suicidal for basically a decade but I can't remember it ever being as completely non-stop as it is now. No breaks, no days off, no moments where I'm distracted out of it. Good luck with your plans and your Dad, I've been going through a bit of the same dilemma and I know exactly how shitty it can be

 

[rozeske]

It's the same with me. About 90% of my thoughts are 'these thoughts' and in my current situation it's more likely to go to 100% than 0%

 

[Ash]

I live with passive suicidal ideation on a daily basis. It's so much a part of how I think I forget that most people don't have those thoughts.

 

[lita-lassi]

every
fuckin
hour
every
fuckin
day

 

[Sethy]

When I walk outside I have to walk far inside of the sidewalk to prevent myself from giving in to the random urges of thoughts like "HMM WHAT IF I STEP OUT MY FOOT in front of this moving car and get my foot crushed" "HMM what if I jump in front of these fast vehicles"

I was the same as a kid. Now it's coming back.