How exactly to find the reason to live?

[party?]

For about over 2 years now i've had a strong urge to just disappear. Always hiding in the bittersweet comfort of suicidal ideations whenever faced with anything negative. Even when i try to want to get better, i just see nothing?
If we talk platonic/romantic relationships, i like them no doubt but they just bring out the worst in me. Makes me aware of all the tiny things that i need to correct. All the jealousy and insecurity.
If we talk hobbies, i do have things i wanna pursue but feel no passion for them anymore like I used to.
If we talk future goals, I wanna be a teacher but yet again, i just feel nothing.
I like all these things that are supposed to give one a reason to live but it just doesn't feel enough.
All in all, there is surely some problem in me for as to why i feel so disinterested in everything yet feel so hurt and angry all the time.
I truly don't see the point in life as whole. Almost as if I'm just very bored of everything.
I try to keep going because that's what people say one should do but i have no idea why.

 

[Hollowman]

Unfortunately no one's going to be able to answer that for you.

 

[party?]

Unfortunately no one's going to be able to answer that for you.

ahh well fair enough. Hopefully I find the answer with time.

 

[Skallagrim]

Most of what you're describing there is depression. Most people associate depression with feelings of desperate sadness and misery. While it certainly can manifest like that, it can also happen as you describe it. This type of depression speaks to you like a demon. It saps your strength, it tells you that you're no good, and it steals the joy from everything.

I'm not sure how you find any reason to live with that thing obscuring your vision.

I can give you one pointer though - go easy on yourself. When the depression rears its horrible head, when it tells you that you screw everything up and that you're no good, agree with it. Don't tell yourself you're better, don't tell yourself that you don't mess up. Just completely acknowledge it, and then respond back with the fact that every other stinky, dumb human being on the planet does the same thing on a daily basis, and your job isn't to be any better than you are.

So you might as well just try living without finding a reason for it. You are probably going to screw it all up. But that doesn't really matter because, as that depression tells you, nothing really matters anyway.

 

[party?]

Most of what you're describing there is depression. Most people associate depression with feelings of desperate sadness and misery. While it certainly can manifest like that, it can also happen as you describe it. This type of depression speaks to you like a demon. It saps your strength, it tells you that you're no good, and it steals the joy from everything.

I'm not sure how you find any reason to live with that thing obscuring your vision.

I can give you one pointer though - go easy on yourself. When the depression rears its horrible head, when it tells you that you screw everything up and that you're no good, agree with it. Don't tell yourself you're better, don't tell yourself that you don't mess up. Just completely acknowledge it, and then respond back with the fact that every other stinky, dumb human being on the planet does the same thing on a daily basis, and your job isn't to be any better than you are.

So you might as well just try living without finding a reason for it. You are probably going to screw it all up. But that doesn't really matter because, as that depression tells you, nothing really matters anyway.

Thank you so much <3 its some fairly good advice

 

[Shroomsonmyhead]

For about over 2 years now i've had a strong urge to just disappear. Always hiding in the bittersweet comfort of suicidal ideations whenever faced with anything negative. Even when i try to want to get better, i just see nothing?
If we talk platonic/romantic relationships, i like them no doubt but they just bring out the worst in me. Makes me aware of all the tiny things that i need to correct. All the jealousy and insecurity.
If we talk hobbies, i do have things i wanna pursue but feel no passion for them anymore like I used to.
If we talk future goals, I wanna be a teacher but yet again, i just feel nothing.
I like all these things that are supposed to give one a reason to live but it just doesn't feel enough.
All in all, there is surely some problem in me for as to why i feel so disinterested in everything yet feel so hurt and angry all the time.
I truly don't see the point in life as whole. Almost as if I'm just very bored of everything.
I try to keep going because that's what people say one should do but i have no idea why.

This topic is something I think about very often,as I have met many different people over the years who all told me that they eventually "found themselves" after years of struggling… and as a result they ended up with a strong and lasting enthusiasm for life that they never had before.

I always thought it sounded like total bullshit… but to be perfectly honest, it actually ended up happening to me too. I had spent so long being uninterested and detached from literally everything that even to this day "having fun" still feels a bit alien to me.

The problem is, if you were to ask me (or any of the other people I've talked to about this topic) how we crawled out of our own misery, each of the stories you would get are so unique and incredibly-specific that transforming any of them into actionable advice for others just seems impossible. What fundamentally motivates us appears to be one the most unique characteristics we have as humans.

There ARE common, measurable similarities between those types of experiences… but if I were to try and dig into them, I would probably have to spend the next 3 hours copying and pasting lengthy comparisons into this thread. Even then, I'm not sure if any of those similarities would be remotely interesting, let alone personally helpful. I certainly didn't get much out of listening to other people's success stories back when I was still miserable.

Whenever I hear people talk about this particular topic, it feels like watching someone else drowning… but when I try and throw them a life-preserver, I find that I am still the only one who is able to touch it. To the person drowning, my particular life-preserver is simply an intangible object.

I do think there is one thing always worth reminding ourselves, though… none of us were ever born disinterested in life. A lack of attachment to our surroundings, a lack of hope towards the future… those are both qualities that we acquire as we age.

They are self-defense mechanisms that our brains employ to protect us from the pain, disappointment, and abuse that we have experienced in the past. But just as those qualities can be acquired, I also know both from personal experience and external observance that they can be cast away agin.

As such… even though there might not be any point to it… I do have at least one question to ask: do you remember the last time that you didn't feel bored of everything? Do you have any recollection of passing over the bridge between the version of you that was still interested in life and the version of you that you are today?

 

[party?]

This topic is something I think about very often,as I have met many different people over the years who all told me that they eventually "found themselves" after years of struggling… and as a result they ended up with a strong and lasting enthusiasm for life that they never had before.

I always thought it sounded like total bullshit… but to be perfectly honest, it actually ended up happening to me too. I had spent so long being uninterested and detached from literally everything that even to this day "having fun" still feels a bit alien to me.

The problem is, if you were to ask me (or any of the other people I've talked to about this topic) how we crawled out of our own misery, each of the stories you would get are so unique and incredibly-specific that transforming any of them into actionable advice for others just seems impossible. What fundamentally motivates us appears to be one the most unique characteristics we have as humans.

There ARE common, measurable similarities between those types of experiences… but if I were to try and dig into them, I would probably have to spend the next 3 hours copying and pasting lengthy comparisons into this thread. Even then, I'm not sure if any of those similarities would be remotely interesting, let alone personally helpful. I certainly didn't get much out of listening to other people's success stories back when I was still miserable.

Whenever I hear people talk about this particular topic, it feels like watching someone else drowning… but when I try and throw them a life-preserver, I find that I am still the only one who is able to touch it. To the person drowning, my particular life-preserver is simply an intangible object.

I do think there is one thing always worth reminding ourselves, though… none of us were ever born disinterested in life. A lack of attachment to our surroundings, a lack of hope towards the future… those are both qualities that we acquire as we age.

They are self-defense mechanisms that our brains employ to protect us from the pain, disappointment, and abuse that we have experienced in the past. But just as those qualities can be acquired, I also know both from personal experience and external observance that they can be cast away agin.

As such… even though there might not be any point to it… I do have at least one question to ask: do you remember the last time that you didn't feel bored of everything? Do you have any recollection of passing over the bridge between the version of you that was still interested in life and the version of you that you are today?

As cheesy it may sound i think the last time i was the happiest was in 7th grade. Just moved to a different state and i was very excited to have a chance to renew my image and not be the weird kid anymore. I wanted to grow smarter and build a life outside of my abusive household. Not sure what happened after that but all these small problems I had as a kid just intensified and my only focus was to make it out of these problems. I was very young but i tried my best to get better. Even tried to get therapy but after one session the therapist told my mom everything and i got beat up for it. I think that's when i just lost hope. Since then my only goal has been to free myself from all my problems, mostly through ctb because i didn't see the point in trying recovery anymore. I've been carrying that mindset since and now when i want to get better sometimes because SI, i just see no reason to. Just feel stuck.

 

[Aloneandinpain]

If you're relatively young (25ish ir less), you might find that anger fades slightly over the years as your brain reaches full maturity (or at least you direct the anger more accurately).

On the other hand, other things maybe won't change much or get worse

 

[party?]

If you're relatively young (25ish ir less), you might find that anger fades slightly over the years as your brain reaches full maturity (or at least you direct the anger more accurately).

On the other hand, other things maybe won't change much or get worse

I've been advised many times to stick around at least until 30 to see how things change and maybe that can be a goal for me. However it does feel so far off and painful to drag on for that long. But at least in the end i can say that i tried my best.

 

[Aloneandinpain]

I've been advised many times to stick around at least until 30 to see how things change and maybe that can be a goal for me. However it does feel so far off and painful to drag on for that long. But at least in the end i can say that i tried my best.

You do really start to understand the world much more between the ages of 25-30 IMO (for better or worse). Like all the knowledge and experience you've acquired can kind of start to fall into place in relation to each other.

On the other hand, if you've failed at life/relationships, getting older with nothing to show for it can become extremely depressing and isolating.

 

[party?]

You do really start to understand the world much more between the ages of 25-30 IMO (for better or worse). Like all the knowledge and experience you've acquired can kind of start to fall into place in relation to each other.

On the other hand, if you've failed at life/relationships, getting older with nothing to show for it can become extremely depressing and isolating.

that's the depressing thing about trying to recover compared to just giving up on life. At least the latter has a definite conclusion.