So I cried this evening. And maybe my mom heard it not sure. I think he assumed I cried because of the woman with whom I had a date last Saturday. It is true I am thinking way too much about her. But this wasn't the reason why I cried. The actual reason why I cried is very absurd. Some might think that's weird but it starts to become an insider. I cried because I thought about how the quantum physics professor perceived me. Or at least what I am projecting into his thoughts. LMAO. This is weird. This is very weird. I heard autistic people are more interested in niche topics and less in people. For me that's not true. I must look pretty weird to you when I admit that. I am a regular person but my obsession with him is a little bit delusional. I am talking only to my closest friends about him. And only in very small dosages. Actually I am not sure why I write so much about him on here. In real life I am more average. Except the really weird jokes I do with my friends but they find them funny.
Not sure whether it was smart to write this as introduction for this thread. Lol. I don't want to look like a creep. I think most people with psychosis are less self-aware about their thoughts.
So back to the topic. I have a conversation with a woman that I met online 8 days ago. We had a really good chemistry. She made me many compliments. She told me she is very impressed that I want an emotional bond with a woman. And it sounded a lot like many men who she met on dating apps just wanted to fuck her. Not sure whether my storytelling should be linear. After our date I read our chat again and I more and more realized there were hints. She asked me for a date last Thursday and we agreed to meet on Saturday. In the chat I hinted I had special interests and it turned out we both have philosophy as special interest. We both said we are not average people. She told me I was very interesting. The date was on Saturday noon. It was rainy and I worried whether I might look like I was in inappropriate clothes. I underestimated how cold it was and I regretted not wearing a scarf. I didn't know how she looked. She said she is mistrustful towards men she meets online. I think she had a lot of bad experiences. Before the date started I worried whether my clothes were appropriate for the weather. But when I saw her I thought okay in her clothes it must be way colder than in my clothes. And she didn't even have an umbrella. I thought okay maybe we are both weird in the same way. And we really really had a good day. We joked so much. We laughed so much. We share a lot of hobbies. We both have autism. After like one hour she opened up about something she has a child that soon goes to school. She is younger than me though. Not much younger. I was not sure what to think about it. At the end of the date she also talked about sex. I think she wanted to test my reaction. Earlier she told me many men she dated wanted sex with her to check whether the physical component fits. And she rejects that idea. She doesn't trust them.
The first 5 days we texted a lot. Every day long messages. I texted more with other women. But the conversation was very interesting and stimulating. She said that herself. Some hours after the day I texted her and thanked her for the meeting and that I enjoyed it a lot. She didn't reply. I was a little bit scared because two women have ghosted me after the first date. For different reasons. The date was on Saturday I decided to doubletext her on Monday because it felt very weird to me that our texting just stopped. She replied 2 hours afterwards that she slept a lot and that she is really busy. She wrote me a long, deep second message. I told her that I hope she recovers and that she doesn't have to hurry with her reply. Thus far she didn't reply. I am not sure what to think about that. I really really enjoy texting. But only when the conversation is good. And the conversation with her was amazing also in real life. When I re-read our chat I wanted to understand her better. I had the feeling she was glad that I am sort of desperate. It sounds like there were many men that dsiappointed her, lied to her. She told me she appreciates so much when someone has empathy and when someone can imagine how it is in someone else's shoes. I get the feeling I have to find my peace that our intensive texting is over after one week. She complimented a lot in her last message but she is also sounded really busy. She once told me though that she likes texting long texts too.
I am ruminating about it quite often. I think the thing that bugs me the most isn't that I miss the texting. That's not that nice but I can live with that. I think the thing that bugs me more is the uncertainty what this texting break means. If this just means she has an extremely stressful life I think I actually I could live with that. If this means I lost interest in you after our first date this would be worse. Her first text message was that she is a very honest and direct person. Her last message really didn't sound like she wasn't interested in me. She just seems to be very stressed.
As she said to me a couple of times. She wants someone who shows empathy. Probably for her situation. One friend onf mine told me she sounds pretty cool and a great match. Until he heard she had a child. Many friends ask me the question whether I could imagine to be together with a single mom. And honestly I never thought about that. I used dating apps and it wasn't a major red flag for me. It seems like dating with a child can be difficult. She doesn't want someone who plays games with her. She wants someone who is emotionally open, loyal, supportive, understanding and reliable. And honestly I think I am all of that. Maybe I am not emotionally stable enough though. But thus far I am quite stable. (quite ironic to say this after this text lol). Since I quit college I am in general way more emotionally stable. I think she suspects I have another diagnosis except autism. I told her about my complain because of the behavior of my former therapist. And there was sentence that implied I had another diagnosis that makes my statements less trustworthy. I think her guess might be schizophrenia. But actually it is bipolar with two past psychosis. But the last psychosis happened 8 years ago and I don't plan to stop my medication. This is why a relapse is unlikely.
I think compromises are very important. I am not sure whether all of my thoughts here are unimportant anyway. Maybe she just isn't interested in me anyway and lied to me in her last message. I would feel pretty stupid. It seems unlikely though. I had the feeling she was quite honest and we both did a lot of mind reading (theory of mind) which is autism related. TO MAKE IT SHORT:
HOW DOES THE LIFE OF A SINGLE-MOTHER LOOK LIKE WHO WORKS PART-TIME and STUDIES PART-TIME WITH A YOUNG CHILD?
The child isn't a baby though. And soon goes to school. The irony is I have a lot of free-time since I quit college. I just wasn't able to cope with the stress. I wonder whether she is close to an autistic burnout. I miss our texting a lot. Though, when I imagine myself in her position. I would have never invested so much time and energy in our texting. I have the feeling many men are not content with how the contact developed. I also have the feeling she hoped that I had a lot of patience. Honestly, I think I like her a lot. And I would try to be there for her. I think my job wouldn't be to care for the child. Especially, not in the beginning.
Honestly, I think I would fucking hate my life if I was in her shoes. It sounds rough it sounds really really rough. I think for my mom I was so much work this young. The pressure must be insane. I don't know whether the biological father cares for the kids. It sounds like her parents and grandparents help her. The reason why she had to leave the date was her child needed her. I think I cannot graps the dimension of work load she has to face. I was overburdened and struggled so much because of sensory overload just attending college courses. How much weight is on her shoulders? And what if she goes through an autistic burnout? With this workload this is only a matter of time. I think she will probably break down sooner or later. Maybe this happened already. She sounds like a really really good person. I think if I was her my first priority would always be my child. But I also think her life must be really lonely. And I read such single-moms are often longing for emotional closeness. And well I try to offer that. I think this is one reason why I should worry less how her message/behavior might could be interpreted. And instead I should be patient and compassionate. I am not 100% how all of this will make me feel. I think the emotional bond must be strong to survive the distance. She lives pretty close to me by the way. Actually consdering her personality I really like her. And I really want to give this a chance. But my ruminating has to become less when more times passes and her behavior is more self-evident. It could also be true that I am actually crying my eyes out when she isn't interested in me anymore. Today I felt less concerned because of her behavior. But I am still ruminating a lot. I always found it romanitc to make sacrifices for a partner. I am not sure how she will react when I open up one day that I might can't work. Maybe I will be disappointed. But there is still the off-chance that I can attend an online university.
My main question for this thread is: How does a life under her circumstances look like? I think most people in their mid-twenties don't really have a notion what this can look like. Me neither. Honestly, in the age that she became mother some people are still children themselves. I wonder whether the child was planned. I cannot really imagine it. It must be really rough. And I have high respect for her. Maybe it won't work out if I am ruminating this much. But I will try to give my best. Maybe my overthinking is already ruining it.
Not sure whether it was smart to write this as introduction for this thread. Lol. I don't want to look like a creep. I think most people with psychosis are less self-aware about their thoughts.
So back to the topic. I have a conversation with a woman that I met online 8 days ago. We had a really good chemistry. She made me many compliments. She told me she is very impressed that I want an emotional bond with a woman. And it sounded a lot like many men who she met on dating apps just wanted to fuck her. Not sure whether my storytelling should be linear. After our date I read our chat again and I more and more realized there were hints. She asked me for a date last Thursday and we agreed to meet on Saturday. In the chat I hinted I had special interests and it turned out we both have philosophy as special interest. We both said we are not average people. She told me I was very interesting. The date was on Saturday noon. It was rainy and I worried whether I might look like I was in inappropriate clothes. I underestimated how cold it was and I regretted not wearing a scarf. I didn't know how she looked. She said she is mistrustful towards men she meets online. I think she had a lot of bad experiences. Before the date started I worried whether my clothes were appropriate for the weather. But when I saw her I thought okay in her clothes it must be way colder than in my clothes. And she didn't even have an umbrella. I thought okay maybe we are both weird in the same way. And we really really had a good day. We joked so much. We laughed so much. We share a lot of hobbies. We both have autism. After like one hour she opened up about something she has a child that soon goes to school. She is younger than me though. Not much younger. I was not sure what to think about it. At the end of the date she also talked about sex. I think she wanted to test my reaction. Earlier she told me many men she dated wanted sex with her to check whether the physical component fits. And she rejects that idea. She doesn't trust them.
The first 5 days we texted a lot. Every day long messages. I texted more with other women. But the conversation was very interesting and stimulating. She said that herself. Some hours after the day I texted her and thanked her for the meeting and that I enjoyed it a lot. She didn't reply. I was a little bit scared because two women have ghosted me after the first date. For different reasons. The date was on Saturday I decided to doubletext her on Monday because it felt very weird to me that our texting just stopped. She replied 2 hours afterwards that she slept a lot and that she is really busy. She wrote me a long, deep second message. I told her that I hope she recovers and that she doesn't have to hurry with her reply. Thus far she didn't reply. I am not sure what to think about that. I really really enjoy texting. But only when the conversation is good. And the conversation with her was amazing also in real life. When I re-read our chat I wanted to understand her better. I had the feeling she was glad that I am sort of desperate. It sounds like there were many men that dsiappointed her, lied to her. She told me she appreciates so much when someone has empathy and when someone can imagine how it is in someone else's shoes. I get the feeling I have to find my peace that our intensive texting is over after one week. She complimented a lot in her last message but she is also sounded really busy. She once told me though that she likes texting long texts too.
I am ruminating about it quite often. I think the thing that bugs me the most isn't that I miss the texting. That's not that nice but I can live with that. I think the thing that bugs me more is the uncertainty what this texting break means. If this just means she has an extremely stressful life I think I actually I could live with that. If this means I lost interest in you after our first date this would be worse. Her first text message was that she is a very honest and direct person. Her last message really didn't sound like she wasn't interested in me. She just seems to be very stressed.
As she said to me a couple of times. She wants someone who shows empathy. Probably for her situation. One friend onf mine told me she sounds pretty cool and a great match. Until he heard she had a child. Many friends ask me the question whether I could imagine to be together with a single mom. And honestly I never thought about that. I used dating apps and it wasn't a major red flag for me. It seems like dating with a child can be difficult. She doesn't want someone who plays games with her. She wants someone who is emotionally open, loyal, supportive, understanding and reliable. And honestly I think I am all of that. Maybe I am not emotionally stable enough though. But thus far I am quite stable. (quite ironic to say this after this text lol). Since I quit college I am in general way more emotionally stable. I think she suspects I have another diagnosis except autism. I told her about my complain because of the behavior of my former therapist. And there was sentence that implied I had another diagnosis that makes my statements less trustworthy. I think her guess might be schizophrenia. But actually it is bipolar with two past psychosis. But the last psychosis happened 8 years ago and I don't plan to stop my medication. This is why a relapse is unlikely.
I think compromises are very important. I am not sure whether all of my thoughts here are unimportant anyway. Maybe she just isn't interested in me anyway and lied to me in her last message. I would feel pretty stupid. It seems unlikely though. I had the feeling she was quite honest and we both did a lot of mind reading (theory of mind) which is autism related. TO MAKE IT SHORT:
HOW DOES THE LIFE OF A SINGLE-MOTHER LOOK LIKE WHO WORKS PART-TIME and STUDIES PART-TIME WITH A YOUNG CHILD?
The child isn't a baby though. And soon goes to school. The irony is I have a lot of free-time since I quit college. I just wasn't able to cope with the stress. I wonder whether she is close to an autistic burnout. I miss our texting a lot. Though, when I imagine myself in her position. I would have never invested so much time and energy in our texting. I have the feeling many men are not content with how the contact developed. I also have the feeling she hoped that I had a lot of patience. Honestly, I think I like her a lot. And I would try to be there for her. I think my job wouldn't be to care for the child. Especially, not in the beginning.
Honestly, I think I would fucking hate my life if I was in her shoes. It sounds rough it sounds really really rough. I think for my mom I was so much work this young. The pressure must be insane. I don't know whether the biological father cares for the kids. It sounds like her parents and grandparents help her. The reason why she had to leave the date was her child needed her. I think I cannot graps the dimension of work load she has to face. I was overburdened and struggled so much because of sensory overload just attending college courses. How much weight is on her shoulders? And what if she goes through an autistic burnout? With this workload this is only a matter of time. I think she will probably break down sooner or later. Maybe this happened already. She sounds like a really really good person. I think if I was her my first priority would always be my child. But I also think her life must be really lonely. And I read such single-moms are often longing for emotional closeness. And well I try to offer that. I think this is one reason why I should worry less how her message/behavior might could be interpreted. And instead I should be patient and compassionate. I am not 100% how all of this will make me feel. I think the emotional bond must be strong to survive the distance. She lives pretty close to me by the way. Actually consdering her personality I really like her. And I really want to give this a chance. But my ruminating has to become less when more times passes and her behavior is more self-evident. It could also be true that I am actually crying my eyes out when she isn't interested in me anymore. Today I felt less concerned because of her behavior. But I am still ruminating a lot. I always found it romanitc to make sacrifices for a partner. I am not sure how she will react when I open up one day that I might can't work. Maybe I will be disappointed. But there is still the off-chance that I can attend an online university.
My main question for this thread is: How does a life under her circumstances look like? I think most people in their mid-twenties don't really have a notion what this can look like. Me neither. Honestly, in the age that she became mother some people are still children themselves. I wonder whether the child was planned. I cannot really imagine it. It must be really rough. And I have high respect for her. Maybe it won't work out if I am ruminating this much. But I will try to give my best. Maybe my overthinking is already ruining it.
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