So like I feel like I hide trauma (and flaws, and generally anything I think would bother people) very constantly and it's starting to totally destroy my ability to function. Like I have no relationship to my own feelings, I have no idea how to react to things or what normal responses even are. The alienation is so real, and people just think this is how you are as a person because duh you never told them anything about your real feelings and experiences? Which feels dehumanizing but it's dumb cause I'm literally doing it to myself and have no idea how to stop
times where i feel like i'm living as one person when im alone with myself and my thoughts, then its like i just toss on a mask and im just a whole new person when i leave the house.
its exhausting, and you can really only do this for so long, which is what iv come to. but it does start with being real with urself above everything. just analyzing and thinking alone and sorting you're thoughts out. im going through this, im going through that, i hate this about myself, this still traumatizes me, etc. being real and confronting ur feelings instead of shutting them out and trying to forget about them; u cant, there apart of you, and thats what makes up you, you can only run from this for a certain amount of time till you just exhaust urself. also, understanding that those who you think you might be heartache to irl, in terms of venting, genuinly might care about you. its just ur thoughts making you think that this person doesnt care, that no one does, and that ur feelings are pathetic and useless like you are. theres only so much someone could hold in, emotionally till you start believing these thoughts; and its so hard to get out of your own thoughts, if you've been drowning in them for so long.
but it starts with talking about it, and i fucking HATED talking about it till recently. like when i ghosted my friends, or went through times where i just didnt wanna talk, they would get mad at me lmao; but i dont blame them, im a bitch like i have so many mood swings, and i keep them in the dark so they think im just this wierdo, but its cause i dont talk to them about HOW I FEEL. And its only a few days ago when i did start talking to my bestfriend about how i feel, and he told me he was relieved for me to finally open up to him, cause its what he was waiting for me to do. he said i was just a completely different person.
sometimes the people you think might be annoyed by ur venting, or these talks just genuinly really wanna help you. but till you try, you wont know.
i hate putting the weight of my problems on the shoulders of others, when they already have so much weight from their own problems holding them down already. but iv realized, those who are broken, and going through just as much, would do anything to have someone they can relate to, talk to and help and fix because they know how it feels to be broken and unfixable.
you care so much about the boundaries and spaces of others, and being so wary of like going past those boundaries and invading their space and being a heartache. and thats an AMAZING sense to have, really not many people are that thoughtful of those and their surroundings, especially if their own going their own problems; there usually so caught up with their own problems, that they dont have the strength to understand these things, but you do and thats such a good thing.
but i'd look at this sense of being attentive more critically, you think of putting urself onto others as a negative, but maybe from now, just think about it in a positive aspect? maybe that person needs someone to talk to as well, more than willingly wants to help, and simply because you havent reached out yet means you just dont know.
to grow and get better, we have to do things were the most wary, uncomcortable and scared about. do the things that scare you, they'll only help you grow.
i wrote a fuck ton holy fuck, but i relate to this so much. most of what iv said here is what im dealing with.