Help How do you recover when you hate being alive?

[migimortis]

I said to myself I would attempt recovery, but I don't know how. I've tried reading self help books, tried working out, tried working, tried improving my diet, tried socializing, I've tried so much. But I still feel the same. I hate being alive. I've been trying so hard but I'm losing hope. How do you overcome such an intense and genuine desire to die? In my mind I really don't want to kill myself but in my heart I truly do, and I don't know how to overcome this. How do I change what my heart wants?

Is anyone experiencing anything similar to this on their recovery journey? How do you recover when you hate being alive?

 

[CuriosityAndCat]

Some people just get better on their own. Others need a bit of help. I'm in the latter. The first thing is to get a diagnosis from a psychologist so you can make a decision to effectively tackle the issue.

 

[penguinl0v3s]

You've tried a lot of good things to self-improve which is commendable. As you said in your post though, your main problem is that you hate being alive! While you're becoming a better person, it isn't changing the fact that you have nothing to look forward to. Having a goal would be a way to change that. Maybe a hobby that you want to get better at or a dream for what the world could be like. Even something small that makes you happy could be a start, like raising a pet.

 

[migimortis]

You've tried a lot of good things to self-improve which is commendable. As you said in your post though, your main problem is that you hate being alive! While you're becoming a better person, it isn't changing the fact that you have nothing to look forward to. Having a goal would be a way to change that. Maybe a hobby that you want to get better at or a dream for what the world could be like. Even something small that makes you happy could be a start, like raising a pet.

How do I know what I want? It probably sounds silly but I don't know what I want. Even if I select something, how do I know that goal is what I should aim for? I guess a reason this is difficult is because anhedonia pervades everything I do, I assume hobbies people do are because the hobby itself is enjoyable? So in order for me to pick up a hobby (or a goal) does this mean I should first overcome my anhedonia? But to overcome anhedonia I'd probably need to overcome depression or maybe to take antidepressants. I don't know if antidepressants are good at eliminating anhedonia or not.

If I don't enjoy anything how do I choose a goal/hobby?

 

[penguinl0v3s]

How do I know what I want? It probably sounds silly but I don't know what I want. Even if I select something, how do I know that goal is what I should aim for? I guess a reason this is difficult is because anhedonia pervades everything I do, I assume hobbies people do are because the hobby itself is enjoyable? So in order for me to pick up a hobby (or a goal) does this mean I should first overcome my anhedonia? But to overcome anhedonia I'd probably need to overcome depression or maybe to take antidepressants. I don't know if antidepressants are good at eliminating anhedonia or not.

If I don't enjoy anything how do I choose a goal/hobby?

I can totally understand following through with those things being difficult because depression is a self-reinforcing cycle that's symptoms really mess up your perception of the world. I think you're right that people choose hobbies because they enjoy the thing they're doing. Sometimes because they're competitive personalities. You don't have to necessarily cure yourself of anhedonia to choose, if you can think back to how you were before depression did you used to like doing certain things? It could be a start. I also have seen that some people's desire to find the perfect answer on the first try makes them think too much and do too little, for situations where thinking can be paralyzing, the best way to know is to try.

For your drug question: I'm not a pharmacist, just a hobbyist with a background. There's quite a few theories on how serotonin improves depression, and one of them being that it increases neuroplasticity so that your brain can form new connections and escape bad ones, and another that it stabilizes mood to stop you from feeling lows of sadness as strongly. Those are the two main theories that I know. There are more, but I don't know all of them. Just the main ones. I don't think serotonergic drugs would help you as much. HOWEVER, serotonergic drugs aren't the only antidepressants :) there's also drugs that act on norepinephrine, which gives you more energy and better concentration. The increased energy could possibly give you more energy to try new things and help you out. So look into NDRIs, NRIs, and SNRIs (ignore venlafaxine and desvenlafaxine as they're very weak norepinephrine actors and mainly SSRI). The thing drug class consideration you could make is dopaminergic drugs, but I don't have much to say about that bc they're rare to come by. I think they could help you out though! Tl;dr it depends which one, but yes it can help

Also, I'm curious what happened when it came to socializing?

 

[migimortis]

I can totally understand following through with those things being difficult because depression is a self-reinforcing cycle that's symptoms really mess up your perception of the world. I think you're right that people choose hobbies because they enjoy the thing they're doing. Sometimes because they're competitive personalities. You don't have to necessarily cure yourself of anhedonia to choose, if you can think back to how you were before depression did you used to like doing certain things? It could be a start. I also have seen that some people's desire to find the perfect answer on the first try makes them think too much and do too little, for situations where thinking can be paralyzing, the best way to know is to try.

For your drug question: I'm not a pharmacist, just a hobbyist with a background. There's quite a few theories on how serotonin improves depression, and one of them being that it increases neuroplasticity so that your brain can form new connections and escape bad ones, and another that it stabilizes mood to stop you from feeling lows of sadness as strongly. Those are the two main theories that I know. There are more, but I don't know all of them. Just the main ones. I don't think serotonergic drugs would help you as much. HOWEVER, serotonergic drugs aren't the only antidepressants :) there's also drugs that act on norepinephrine, which gives you more energy and better concentration. The increased energy could possibly give you more energy to try new things and help you out. So look into NDRIs, NRIs, and SNRIs (ignore venlafaxine and desvenlafaxine as they're very weak norepinephrine actors and mainly SSRI). The thing drug class consideration you could make is dopaminergic drugs, but I don't have much to say about that bc they're rare to come by. I think they could help you out though! Tl;dr it depends which one, but yes it can help

Also, I'm curious what happened when it came to socializing?

Failed at socializing. No one really want's to talk to me, even online. Very lonely existence.

Yeah looking at what I liked when I was younger may help I'll think about it. I'll look into them drugs you mentioned too thanks.

 

[Melly]

Indifference can be really powerful, my suggestion to anyone who's considering ctb but can bear to give life another chance is to dare yourself to do things you would never do if you didn't happen to have pretty much nothing to lose. It can be moving to another city or even country, lying on job applications, trapping bored looking strangers into discussing philosophy with you, hell, just thinking of and doing things that are totally absurd and pointless can become amusing. The kind of things that would make you think "why would I do that?" and where the answer can be "why not?". Helping other people I found to be the most rewarding. You just have to try not to expect anything and also avoid trying to predict what's going to happen. Childlike wonder is a great antidote to depression.

Also working out has never helped me, but going on walks did. Maybe you could get a dog?

 

[migimortis]

Indifference can be really powerful, my suggestion to anyone who's considering ctb but can bear to give life another chance is to dare yourself to do things you would never do if you didn't happen to have pretty much nothing to lose. It can be moving to another city or even country, lying on job applications, trapping bored looking strangers into discussing philosophy with you, hell, just thinking of and doing things that are totally absurd and pointless can become amusing. The kind of things that would make you think "why would I do that?" and where the answer can be "why not?". Helping other people I found to be the most rewarding. You just have to try not to expect anything and also avoid trying to predict what's going to happen. Childlike wonder is a great antidote to depression.

Also working out has never helped me, but going on walks did. Maybe you could get a dog?

Reading your post makes me realize, it really is that "childlike wonder" that makes life worth living. I can't get a pet unfortunately but your post has illuminated that there is no specific way that recovery 'looks' like. I've been pushing myself to extremes doing as much as I could the last 30 days, but maybe my problem is fundamentally routed in my perspective. I can try as hard as I want but if I don't appreciate what I'm doing what's the point? First post also said something similar in regards to hobbies etc. Learning to cultivate that "childlike wonder" is probably an essential ingredient of recovery.

 

[Kimlett]

I could have written the same, I totally understand what you mean. I feel the same. I wish I had some advice.