how do you keep living

[floppyfrogged]

i haven't been on here for 2 years and since then i have resulted to shedtwt. honestly what is the appeal to living for some people? i genuinely don't see anything good coming out of it. we go to school until we graduate, then we work until we die. does anyone actually have anything that pushes them to keep living? my friends are living their lives and they don't feel the constant need to die every second of everyday and when i see them like that it's like so confusing to me. i have struggled with wanting to end things and self harm for years and years and i can't imagine my life without that constant cloud over my head. ive been down the path of recovery multiple times and whenever i do question recovery and i have these thoughts and question them directly, my answers I receive are always the same; find something worth living for, find your own hobbies, your own talents, a fresh state of mind. but nothing is appealing to me? sure music is cool and all and i enjoy drawing, but i can't see myself making use doing that. the only thing that has made me scared of death or just leaving so abruptly is the concept of love. i honestly think my life would be better with someone in it making me want to love myself, but i have been let down so many times that it isn't even appealing to me anymore. i cut every single day. it used to be that if i could reach the second layer of skin then i would be content, but it's just not like that anymore. if i don't reach the fat layer of my skin i hate myself so much and it feels worse than the buzz in my head when i don't do it at all. my words repeat and repeat and i try to get this message across to anyone, there is so much in my head. my days are numbered. can someone answer me; what is a reason to live? And if not, how do i end it

 

[kitkatt]

i haven't been on here for 2 years and since then i have resulted to shedtwt. honestly what is the appeal to living for some people? i genuinely don't see anything good coming out of it. we go to school until we graduate, then we work until we die. does anyone actually have anything that pushes them to keep living? my friends are living their lives and they don't feel the constant need to die every second of everyday and when i see them like that it's like so confusing to me. i have struggled with wanting to end things and self harm for years and years and i can't imagine my life without that constant cloud over my head. ive been down the path of recovery multiple times and whenever i do question recovery and i have these thoughts and question them directly, my answers I receive are always the same; find something worth living for, find your own hobbies, your own talents, a fresh state of mind. but nothing is appealing to me? sure music is cool and all and i enjoy drawing, but i can't see myself making use doing that. the only thing that has made me scared of death or just leaving so abruptly is the concept of love. i honestly think my life would be better with someone in it making me want to love myself, but i have been let down so many times that it isn't even appealing to me anymore. i cut every single day. it used to be that if i could reach the second layer of skin then i would be content, but it's just not like that anymore. if i don't reach the fat layer of my skin i hate myself so much and it feels worse than the buzz in my head when i don't do it at all. my words repeat and repeat and i try to get this message across to anyone, there is so much in my head. my days are numbered. can someone answer me; what is a reason to live? And if not, how do i end it

I love myself but not enough for souls we're meant two
I see all the meanings in living life and they are pointless if I can not have one to love me as I love the world. I'm so tired and I cannot rest my head on my weary shoulder.
I was surely an accident because how could advance life feel this way?
Oh travelled way you weary head with me
lay your burden at my feet so I may bury them within myself
And finally with myself when my soul gives out