Mostly empty, but since I increased the dose of sertralin and my coffee intake, I also feel a bit nervous all the time, and less suicidal. I daydream about suicide sometimes, whenever I want to calm down, but I think of it less than just weeks ago and it could easily change within weeks or days. I escape into sleep whenever I can. I'm in a rehab right now, so there is time for working and therapy. During therapy I feel mostly bored looking at the clock constantly. During work I feel more or less "normal", it's a simple factory job, so I don't have to feel bad due to human interaction. I come back to my room and lay down. I can't sleep during the day, so I just kind of lay there trying to think of nothing and hopefully fall asleep. Sometimes I get too bored laying down, so I go to our common kitchen and have a bite of something or go out to have a smoke. As soon as this rehab ends, I'll be all on my own and my bed time will increase dramatically. I'm trying to find a routine I can handle long term. This routine involves going to a very simple factory job, coming back home, eating and going straight to bed, maybe with some television in between. Even though all the entertainment became boring to me, I sometimes forget about that and actually enjoy a show or a movie for a little while. And yes, there is also time for board games with my copatients, sometimes I forget myself in it and actually enjoy the game. All this will stop though as soon as the rehab ends.
In summary, boredom and nervousness takes up most of my day and there are short periods of me actually enjoying reality. The medication I'm taking seems to work - my suicidality is at the stage where I wouldn't mind dieing from an illness or sth, but I'm not planning my exit actively atm, but this changes over time.
