Discussion How do you FEEL today?

[Devils_candY]

Hi y'all,

Im open to discussing the way "we" feel and why. We're kind of breaching the norm, or better yet, railing against mainstream belief structures. Encouraging voice, choice in life that to some, "us" are just not like the rest...

Let me start. The names 'Rocky' as most call me. Im a 35 year old gay Male. I live in Chicago, not by choice, but I make the best of it. My best friends are all 'gothic' ladies, with a sprinkle of a cute boy here and there. Im not your typical gay Male. I more or less am a Satanic Vampire. The vampire part is a cohesive bond with fantasy so I have a place to emotionally escape... the Satanist part is my religion, yes seriously. I don't believe in satan as my master, better yet satan is self.

Taking that all in and you'll see I have getaways, escape hatches, and manipulative emotional hideaways. How do I feel? Today? Well to be honest I've had an extremely tough day, and it's only getting worse. I spent the day im my bed, cursing the sun for shining so bright giving energy to people who will never understand what it's like to be me. I've been wiping so many tears that I've rubbed the skin under by eyes raw. I just can't stop the pain inside.

I use my eccentric fantasy world to mask everything. For example, when you were reading the above did you feel the pain underneath all thar makeup? Or did you think, wow this guys having fun in his life.

I was so ashamed of being such a coward that I couldn't even answer the phone when my mother called... I had to text her with an excuse just so she wouldn't hear the pain in my voice.

This seems to be a forever type of dream... one I'll never wake up from. That's why I so badly want to just go one day without one single year... being able to laugh at my favorite shows, basking in the sun. Whatever it is normal people do, I want that...

Well, that's how I feel today... everyday...

How about you?

 

[Lotus]

Thanks for sharing a little of your life and day. My day so far has just started, but I can already tell that this is going to be a bad one. I'm in such a bad mood and have a severe migraine attack, probably a stress reaction, and I overreact to everything and get hang-ups on stuff that really doesn't matter. I feel hurt and upset over nothing, and I feel like I can't get happy ever again. Silly thought, I know, and I'm aware that's the depression and anxiety talking. I'm invited over to a friend's house today (I have 1 friend irl), but I feel like I have zero to give. Even though I don't have the same mindset as you (or religion as you call it), I'm thankful that we're a month where the sun is almost never up, and it's just grey outside and people wanna stay inside as much as possible. Sorry to hear how much you've been crying. I tried to call my mom after work yesterday, but she didn't pick up the phone. I'll try a little later and hope it will help a little on my mood.

 

[newave3]

I am always perplexed by people who say they still have feelings. I feel nothing. I am never glad or sad.I never cry or laugh. I have nothing left inside of me. I do not care about anything and I only look forward to my demise.

 

[iftheworldwasending]

i'm so intrigued by you posting this because i was just wondering if there were other people on this site who lived "abnormal lives" like me, i practice witchcraft. was feeling super alone and then saw this and feel a little better. thank you for sharing this.

as for how i'm feeling, pretty defeated atm. was doing better and then did some shadow work and it sent me spiraling a bit.

 

[Deleted member 23374]

i be i
there be no we
i snapped it's neck
upon my knee

i took the tounge
the mask admitted
but not too trust
the bust was twisted

the talon scrape
the screech of ages
word image period
i turned the pages

they were all blank.....

that's how i feel
every day is today

 

[AutoTap]

Absolutely miserable and exhausted and ugh

 

[Arrow]

thanks for sharing, man. i'm familiar with the feeling of escaping through fantasy, it was a coping mechanism for me. know that you don't have to feel ashamed of yourself, and that you're not alone either, because you arent!

 

[Superdeterminist]

For me, Today was terrible, much like every day before it for the past 5 or so years.

 

[Lynh]

Hola a todos

Estoy abierto a discutir la forma en que "nosotros" nos sentimos y por qué. Estamos rompiendo la norma, o mejor aún, criticando las estructuras de creencias dominantes. Voz alentadora, elección en la vida que para algunos, "nosotros" simplemente no somos como el resto ...

Dejame comenzar. Los nombres 'Rocky' como la mayoría me llama. Soy un hombre gay de 35 años. Vivo en Chicago, no por elección, pero hago lo mejor que puedo. Mis mejores amigas son todas damas 'góticas', con un toque de chico lindo aquí y allá. No soy el típico hombre gay. Soy más o menos un vampiro satánico. La parte del vampiro es un vínculo cohesivo con la fantasía, así que tengo un lugar para escapar emocionalmente ... la parte satanista es mi religión, sí, en serio. No creo en Satanás como mi maestro, mejor aún Satanás es el yo.

Tomando todo eso y verás que tengo escapadas, escotillas de escape y escondites emocionales manipuladores. ¿Cómo me siento? ¿Hoy? Bueno, para ser honesto, he tenido un día extremadamente difícil y solo está empeorando. Pasé el día en mi cama, maldiciendo al sol por brillar tan brillante dando energía a personas que nunca entenderán lo que es ser yo. Me he estado secando tantas lágrimas que me he frotado la piel con los ojos en carne viva. Simplemente no puedo detener el dolor interior.

Uso mi excéntrico mundo de fantasía para enmascarar todo. Por ejemplo, cuando estaba leyendo lo anterior, ¿sintió dolor debajo de todo el maquillaje? ¿O pensaste, wow, este tipo se está divirtiendo en su vida?

Estaba tan avergonzado de ser tan cobarde que ni siquiera podía contestar el teléfono cuando mi madre llamó ... Tuve que enviarle un mensaje de texto con una excusa para que no escuchara el dolor en mi voz.

Este parece ser un tipo de sueño para siempre ... uno del que nunca despertaré. Es por eso que tengo tantas ganas de pasar un día sin un solo año ... poder reírme de mis programas favoritos, tomar el sol. Lo que sea que haga la gente normal, quiero eso ...

Bueno, así me siento hoy ... todos los días ...

¿Qué hay de tí?

Hola, yo soy Lynneht. También me evado con los vampiros y la fantasía oscura. Odio tener necesidades como comer y tener sensaciones y todos estos sentimientos.

Hoy también me he sentido exageradamente peor que otros dias.
Tengo mucha ansiedad, no he podido parar de llorar en todo el día, he intentado dos veces hacer ctb, pero no he podido por las obligaciones que tengo y he roto amistad con unas "amigas" que lo único que hacían era criticarme y herirme emocionalmente. También tengo miedo de que me tiren del trabajo que acabo de encontrar, tengo una discapacidad y estoy de baja médica por fiebre, pero no tengo covid-19.
El problema es mi jefe, que es un terrorista que sólo sabe amenazar con tirarnos del trabajo.
No me he podido levantar en todo el día de la cama, me duelen los músculos y me dan mareos.
Lo único que deseo es que llegue el día que pueda marcharme y descansar de tanto sufrimiento.

 

[wordsonscreen]

Tired. My spirit feels tired.