How do you manage to comfort yourself or distract yourself when you are at your worst? Or just distract yourself to avoid thoughts, things like that.
I listen to music when this happens and it doesn't always help, now tell me your methods!
Oddly enough, these days, the only thing that gives me any bit of "comfort" or escape is browsing this forum and looking for ways to die.
I can't even watch a favorite show or play a video game to distract myself. I get triggered every other second while doing those things and I'm just in constant
agony and get lost in regret. Nothing works when I'm like this, literally. My head hurts from the pain of the thoughts and my chest is constantly swelling and longing for relief. I shake my head violently or spazz out sometimes cus the intrusive thoughts, memories, or realizations of what I lost are too painful. Its like an insane way of my body trying to escape the pain… I look insane. I can't live for a minute without my brain being uncontrollably pulled to the past, imagining a life if I made a different decision, and realizing how stupid I was for the decisions I've made. My brain automatically resorts to living in the past; not because I want to, but because it gives a break from living in the pain of my present. No matter how much I try to stay with the pain in the present, my brain automatically pulls to the past, and when the uncontrollable daydream is up, its the most painful feeling knowing that you can't go back, and you're stuck with having to accept how bad your present state is comparatively. Living in the past is so futile and pointless, but its automatic and I can't stop my brain from doing it as a way to cope with how much pain exists in the present.
There's this short 30 second video/song by Jack Stauber called "rain", and in the simplest, most generalizable way, it encapsulates my disbelief at my circumstances. Not because I haven't been here before, but I genuinely tried my best to "recover" or "heal" (terms pop culture loves to regurgitate), and due to my past mistakes in going back into relationship after trust was broken (even though in this case it was just my bpd and fear of abandonment; she didn't do anything wrong) and advice from others (normal people advice that I shouldn't have taken, like, you should learn to love yourself and be alone before you love someone else), I left someone that was ideal, and the only thing that was keeping me sane and giving me joy. For 3 months I was in painful agony but committed to "recovery" even though I've never changed significantly in my 25 years of life. It was the hardest and most painful thing to do to leave, but I was doing it because I thought it was the "healthy" and "right" thing to do, and that if I didn't, then I would never get better and continue to be unhealthy. Well, this is where that decision got me, trying to find a way to ctb.
Only this forum gives me temporary relief, but I still feel sick and depressed while browsing it. Addictions used to keep me in limbo (alive through numbing pain but not living) but I'm done living in limbo with addiction, if thats the only way I can live life without being in constant agony I'd rather die.
Anyways thats my midnight rant (you can prob tell I have bpd with the oversharing), I wish I wasn't so mentally ill. Sucks to want to live knowing (only briefly) what joy feels like (since I've experienced joy before but only through a favorite person/partner). But everyday I'm living in a glass box where I am able to see others enjoy things and seeing just how different our internal experiences are, I feel constantly abandoned and aware of how I'm missing out. And if I were to say this to someone normal, they'd say, "you never know what someone is going through" or "everyone experiences pain"…its like, ok, so is everyone suffering for 99% of the day? Are they all browsing suicide forums? Have they all not experienced any sustained period of peace or happiness in their entire life? Have they also spent their whole life ruminating because their emotional intensity and pain is not possible to deal with? I'm actually starting to really resent and get triggered with normal blanket statements and advice. It's what got me in this situation in the first place, but I'm too mentally ill and anxious to trust my own decisions so I relied on others. At the end of the day, I would have probably fucked things up regardless.
Videogames until I feel like I'm dissociating enough to not feel anything. Marijuana if I have a free day to recover from the effects.
If I'm in a pinch, I press against the carotid arteries until I feel like I'm about to pass out. My mind gets fuzzy and somehow it makes me stop thinking for a crisp 30 seconds, then the general emotional agony hurts a lot less.
I don't recommend it. I can't stop because it works so well and hasn't left any physical scars. It's better then CTBing, but it's not healthy at all.
how long does the relief from pressing on the arteries last? Do u find things less triggering or painful for a little while? Why don't u recommend it?
