Discussion How do you approach small moments of hope/relief/being okay when you are close to the exit?

[wordsonscreen]

Sometimes I feel okay or even good- It gives me a flicker of hope and I fall right back.

I've been having these.. cycles? There is this pattern where I will have a moment of not suffering or no/less pain- some sort of alleviation, physical or emotional, that gives me relief, which then gives me some hope. I start to wonder wow am I getting better? Has my body adjusted to things and starting to "cope" better (as if coping is worth living for)? I just wonder for a second.

And then. I fucking drop so hard. And each time it gets worse. Each time I drop farther down and it hurts more.

Wtf. It feels like life is throwing bread crumbs at me. Maybe I am supposed to take these small 2 second moments of hope and grow them- but I do not want to. Is this SI? What is happening? I do not like this. The closer I get to the end of my list, the better I feel but I know it is this weird fake type of better. I am feeling relief because I can see the end of my pain and because I have been living in a very different way- in a way I could not if I meant to continue existing by committing to life. But there is a small part of me that looks at that relief and goes "yay we are better now. we can do this. lets go on a trip and start fresh." But the moment I drop my plan, I am looking at a lifetime of grasping at straws to cope with what is happening. I can logically see that nothing has changed.

My therapist would see improvement. BUT. The relief comes from being close to death- not life. It will stop the moment I drop my plans. And yet a small small part of me keeps taking this to mean yay life is good now. I cannot live a lifetime keeping SN by my bed to feel okay. Jesus. There is a distortion here.

It is quite interesting that we have a thing in us fighting to live till the very end.

How does it show up for you? What do you do with it?

 

[WornOutLife]

Well, I literally wanted to ctb a month ago because of these cycles you mention.
However, I've started to think more about the UPS rather than the DOWNS and that has helped me lots. I'm doing much better.

I might ctb someday but...how do I approach these moments of joy and hope? I just enjoy them and try to do my best so that if I ever give up I'll proudly say:

"At least I've tried and done my best to live. No regrets".

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

How you approach it really depends on whether you want to live or not.

 

[Natty]

I've been having these.. cycles?

I had these for a long time, too. I wasn't really sure how to deal with them. Unfortunately for me the peaks in those ups and down never bring me anywhere close to good, or even any semblance of it.

To be completely honest if you still feel that way during the "up" times I would cultivate as much as I could from them, even if it doesn't ultimately change your mind, it will give you more enjoyment with the time you have left.

 

[wordsonscreen]

Well, I literally wanted to ctb a month ago because of these cycles you mention.
However, I've started to think more about the UPS rather than the DOWNS and that has helped me lots. I'm doing much better.

I might ctb someday but...how do I approach these moments of joy and hope? I just enjoy them and try to do my best so as if I ever give up I'll proudly say:

"At least I've tried and done my best to live. No regrets".

You're right. I have been doing something similar. Very very cautiously enjoy them :p haha
I know they do not last very long.

Feeling good just hurts. It is frustrating because I do not want to feel better. I do not want these moments of relief anymore- I have spent so long suffering and trying my ass off to improve. Nothing shifted when I spent years trying. And now I am feeling relief when my notes are almost done, my apartment is 85% packed, and the SN is by my bed. Just feels like a cruel joke.

I had these for a long time, too. I wasn't really sure how to deal with them. Unfortunately for me the peaks in those ups and down never bring me anywhere close to good, or even any semblance of it.

Can you say more? what do the peaks feel like for you?
By ups don't mean like HAPPINESS. I have not felt elated or real joy in a very long time. I just feel less suffering. It feels closer to something neutral or numb or absence of crying/panic attacks/anxiety- not presence of HAPPY.

To be completely honest if you still feel that way during the "up" times I would cultivate as much as I could from them, even if it doesn't ultimately change your mind, it will give you more enjoyment with the time you have left.

Ah I see. If I still want to exit during the "up", I should just enjoy them as they are.

Yeah- I have given myself a few years to think about this and cultivate those "ups" to try to prolong them a bit more to cope better. And I have been careful to make sure this decision is not rash. My desire to die has been consistent for a while now. Just am upset that I am feeling much more relief now in my last few fucking days haha what a joke
What do I with the "up"? Go on walks? Cook? Do art? Is that what you mean?

I want to just cry and (metaphorically) scream at god tbh. I tried so much and nothing worked. And now when I am days, or weeks at best, away from my last sunset, I am feeling okay. The irony.

 

[Natty]

what do the peaks feel like for you?

For me the "peaks" could be something that is just an objective positive in my life, a small amount of money coming my way, a good meal. Basically anything that doesn't feel imminently negative.

Over time these things that are objectively good don't even amount to a bump in any positive direction emotionally, and only serve to make the negative things, or "valleys" feel worse.

Let's say tomorrow I immediately founds out I had won tens of thousands of dollars, my reaction would immediately be superficially positive, but almost instantly the awareness that even a windfall won't change or help my circumstances digs the pit a bit deeper.

 

[wordsonscreen]

For me the "peaks" could be something that is just an objective positive in my life, a small amount of money coming my way, a good meal. Basically anything that doesn't feel imminently negative.

Yeah! A good meal :)

Over time these things that are objectively good don't even amount to a bump in any positive direction emotionally, and only serve to make the negative things, or "valleys" feel worse.

:( I feel this. Do you find enjoyment in anything now?

 

[Bedrock48]

I get these cycles too and they can be really freaking exhausting. Especially if you suffer from a personality disorder where in the morning you're singing, dancing, making pancakes in the kitchen, whatever. Then come evening you collapse into a puddle crying and remembering the deep set negative emotions you hold.

I personally just try and ride out those positive times, doing things that make me happy and fulfilled without doing too much to exhaust myself. Sometimes, in doing so, those times end up lasting longer because I have the motivation. It also helps me level with myself and realise those lows won't last forever.

For me at least, having a plan or method at hand can still be a great comfort. Like having a big red 'delete' button at all times. That reassurance is what keeps me going, that yes I can kill myself now but I can also enjoy today and if I need to I can ctb tomorrow. Maybe it will work better for you if you gradually push the plan back little by little instead of just cancelling it? Say the dates tomorrow, push it back a day, then a week, then 2 weeks and so forth. Not an ideal way to live but if that's what keeps you alive then I can hardly see that as a completely negative thing.