I know this has been probably asked a million times but, I could really use some support. I'm a little scared of what comes after, because of all the stories/mythologies that are perpetuated to scare people out of ctb. We just don't know what is true. If we wink out of existence, if it's worse, if it's better.
But at the same time, more days of me being unable to get out of bed and when I do, being in pain, reminded that my body will never be able to do what it used to, watching everyone around me move up and acquire all I'd hoped to, that sounds like a hell of its own. Can I imagine much worse fates? Sure. But people don't leave jobs or relationships not knowing that yes, it could be much worse (and then sticking around because of that- that is what weak people do), they move on because they believe there could be something better. I don't have hopes- given the stats on my health, finances, etc.- for life, but I have hopes for death. It could be a better deal than this. It feels like my best shot.
Moreover, even if it's nothingness, what is it that shakes people awake and gets them talking about the very serious issues of a broken mental health system that locks people up, or about how we are lacking in compassion and connection in general? When someone kills themselves. I can't pretend to have the impact of a celebrity, but I might have it in a smaller sense. And I've always wondered if this was what I was put on earth to do. I'm the kind of person people admire, but don't concretely accomplish anything, and am not someone anyone feels too close to. Maybe I'm the perfect candidate. I'm really not trying to hurt or punish anyone, but this strong desire to die, it almost feels like a purpose, and that's the only reason I can come up with. I've tried purpose in life for decades. But my support network doesn't exist which makes it hard to do much (this is all a big secret), the articles I post on social media and my blog about the broken system and what we really need is to be there for each other, go largely ignored. It's not working.
I feel overwhelmed, given my chronic pain, loneliness due to no support network, and financial situation, at the prospect of something that could impact more- like a screenplay. If I dedicated years of my life to one thing and have it fail, it would destroy me. I even feel overwhelmed by smaller efforts.
Honestly, I think I just want to die- be free of the pain of my body and of social constructs and rejection- and I want to stop being scared and more joyful that I will be free of those trappings.
Right now, my plan is to save up for N, and wait for anything to show me a sign that this isn't the way. But what I won't do is finally have the N, and continue to wait indefinitely. If there is a reason that's so important for me to stay, the reason can come clear to me in that timeframe. Otherwise, the way I see it, the message to me is that my path is to die, and I want to stop being so scared to do such a big thing.
Does anyone else fear what comes after and if not, how did you overcome it?
But at the same time, more days of me being unable to get out of bed and when I do, being in pain, reminded that my body will never be able to do what it used to, watching everyone around me move up and acquire all I'd hoped to, that sounds like a hell of its own. Can I imagine much worse fates? Sure. But people don't leave jobs or relationships not knowing that yes, it could be much worse (and then sticking around because of that- that is what weak people do), they move on because they believe there could be something better. I don't have hopes- given the stats on my health, finances, etc.- for life, but I have hopes for death. It could be a better deal than this. It feels like my best shot.
Moreover, even if it's nothingness, what is it that shakes people awake and gets them talking about the very serious issues of a broken mental health system that locks people up, or about how we are lacking in compassion and connection in general? When someone kills themselves. I can't pretend to have the impact of a celebrity, but I might have it in a smaller sense. And I've always wondered if this was what I was put on earth to do. I'm the kind of person people admire, but don't concretely accomplish anything, and am not someone anyone feels too close to. Maybe I'm the perfect candidate. I'm really not trying to hurt or punish anyone, but this strong desire to die, it almost feels like a purpose, and that's the only reason I can come up with. I've tried purpose in life for decades. But my support network doesn't exist which makes it hard to do much (this is all a big secret), the articles I post on social media and my blog about the broken system and what we really need is to be there for each other, go largely ignored. It's not working.
I feel overwhelmed, given my chronic pain, loneliness due to no support network, and financial situation, at the prospect of something that could impact more- like a screenplay. If I dedicated years of my life to one thing and have it fail, it would destroy me. I even feel overwhelmed by smaller efforts.
Honestly, I think I just want to die- be free of the pain of my body and of social constructs and rejection- and I want to stop being scared and more joyful that I will be free of those trappings.
Right now, my plan is to save up for N, and wait for anything to show me a sign that this isn't the way. But what I won't do is finally have the N, and continue to wait indefinitely. If there is a reason that's so important for me to stay, the reason can come clear to me in that timeframe. Otherwise, the way I see it, the message to me is that my path is to die, and I want to stop being so scared to do such a big thing.
Does anyone else fear what comes after and if not, how did you overcome it?
