Help How do I summon the courage to go through with it?

[suacide]

I've realised after buying Christmas presents for the new people I have left, people who have other people, people who'd be sad for a while but ultimately get over me - I can't do this for much longer. Losing my mother was truly my worst case scenario. She was all I needed and god took that one thing away from me and made me cling to her dead body in the hospital, feel her hand get cold in mine.

I wrote her a letter this Christmas, and I realised I can't bear the thought of doing it nor willfully not writing one. I can't live without her.
This isn't my only reason of course. My life has been terrible to a comical degree. Taken advantage of as a child three seperate times. Severely bullied. Abused in and out the home. Homeless at a point. Groomed and abused in relationships. The closest friend I ever had was bullying and talking bad about me behind my back to be accepted better. All to make me, a useless person who can't fix myself or even talk or know how to make bonds or connections with anyone anymore.

I'm hopeless and feel like I need to be taken care of, but nobody is going to do that for me. My brain is slow and would rather just rot with time, but the second I'm out of brainfog and feel conscious again I'm reeling at the thought.

I have to CTB soon, but I'm a coward. I'm such a stupid coward. Please, someone help me figure out how to muster up the strength to do it or at least make moves on a cohesive plan. I need to do it by my own will, I need just one thing in life to be my own choice.

 

[U. A.]

No one here can or should push you to do this.
If it is indeed to be by your own will, only you will know when and if the time is truly right (I have been keeping up loosely with the account of your struggles, if that lends any weight to my opinion).

 

[suacide]

No one here can or should push you to do this.
If it is indeed to be by your own will, only you will know when and if the time is truly right (I have been keeping up loosely with the account of your struggles, if that lends any weight to my opinion).

Yeah, you're right in the end. I guess I just feel envious and wish I knew how people got past being cowardly and got to finally rest. I feel like I should have enough reasons and I certainly feel like I'd have nothing to leave behind but a painful future, but here I am still. It's so frustrating. I don't want to think about how much more would have to happen for my passive brain to decide enoughs enough.
I think that's the part that scares me the most, just the potential to get so much worse and suffer for longer than I need to.

No one here can or should push you to do this.
If it is indeed to be by your own will, only you will know when and if the time is truly right (I have been keeping up loosely with the account of your struggles, if that lends any weight to my opinion).

Oh, and thank you by the way
I struggle to state things I think and im terribly shy but I notice you around and just wanted to say thank you for being a presence and even taking the time to even lightly keep up with what I have going on

 

[U. A.]

imo there's an unhelpful tendency of many people here to project "courage" onto others who do the deed when in reality, most cases would probably be better described by "torment". It's not a matter of "courage" to do something to put an end to one's suffering when in most cases that very action is not only repulsive in a fundamental evolutionary way to every biological fiber of our being, but for most of us also runs a massive risk of leaving us worse off in any manner of ways than we were going into the act.

People have survived falling out of airplanes, shooting themselves in the head with shotguns, the most statistically-unsurviveable shit you can think of and no they are not common events, but considering how many users here (not you specifically) will go on about "why me?!?" you'd think they might reckon that trend may well continue up to what they intended to be their final moments, only for things to get much more horrendous.

If I had pento I'd feel pretty good about the option of dying on any given day. Or with the proper firearm setup. Short of that, shit's hard, shit sucks. Life sucks, death sucks. Sucking is the natural order. Except when it isn't.