How do I prepare, I want to clear everything up if I decide

[affirmatice]

I'm on the fence right now. But leaning towards CTB, it's the last thing I want to do but I don't see any other options here.

How do I prepare for this. I want to get rid of all evidence or all my posts on numerous forums. I don't want people digging through my personal information, and much less info on why I'm considering this.

If they found out the true reason likely they would feel guilty and also feel like I didn't have to do this. But truthfully they don't understand what it's like to live like this and how trapped I feel.

 

[MyTimeIsUp]

Why don't you just get rid of devices? Reset it and give it to a homeless person far away. Or chuck it in the river far away, or a bin. Something.

 

[AvaCutey]

I don't understand the need to tie up loose ends, to make it seem like your life was great. Maybe its romantic to think that your disappearance will be a mystery, an unsolvable enigma. You can never know how they will feel about it, maybe they will feel guilty, maybe they will think you were selfish, maybe they will be angry, sad, or happy you are gone.

You can't hope to fill the void that you will create, you will be gone, and people will wonder why and go digging. If you burry things deep enough, maybe they will give up.

I don't think they will find your posts on this site or link them to you, its like there's a needle in a haystack, and they don't even know which barn to search.

Most people don't think like you, hang out in the same spaces online as you do, and as long as your accounts use pseudonyms, search engines are such bowls of dog-water that they will definitely have to venture from the comfort zones of the first pages of Google to find anything.

after that you can burn everything you have ever owned.

factory reset all devices.

but its all such a hassle.

 

[Unspoken7612]

It reflects well on you that you care about the impact you're having on others.

I think it's quite unlikely they'd dig.

A lot that is out there will be impossible to remove. A lot of sites just won't let you delete your posts, and some of it will have been archived anyway.

So, you're better off making it hard for them to connect you to your old accounts.

Here are some steps you could take:

1) clear all your browsing data: history, cookies, cache, bookmarks, downloads, passwords. Do this on all devices you use.

2) removal all add-ons, especially password managers, from your browser. Remove apps related to these sites from your phone, as well as password managers. Delete their documents and data

3) shut down your email account. NOTE: this is potentially an extreme step, so be careful. See whether you can restore it in the event you survive.

4) to be really sure, use an operating system like Tails for any browsing you do after clearing your history. This will delete everything new without a trace.

This should give you some cover, especially if your family don't know the usernames you use.

 

[affirmatice]

I don't understand the need to tie up loose ends, to make it seem like your life was great. Maybe its romantic to think that your disappearance will be a mystery, an unsolvable enigma. You can never know how they will feel about it, maybe they will feel guilty, maybe they will think you were selfish, maybe they will be angry, sad, or happy you are gone.

You can't hope to fill the void that you will create, you will be gone, and people will wonder why and go digging. If you burry things deep enough, maybe they will give up.

I don't think they will find your posts on this site or link them to you, its like there's a needle in a haystack, and they don't even know which barn to search.

Most people don't think like you, hang out in the same spaces online as you do, and as long as your accounts use pseudonyms, search engines are such bowls of dog-water that they will definitely have to venture from the comfort zones of the first pages of Google to find anything.

after that you can burn everything you have ever owned.

factory reset all devices.

but its all such a hassle.

It's not so much that I want my life to seem like a mystery or romantic.

I'd just rather not have my family know the causes because if they did, as I said, they would likely feel worse and guilty. The things I suffer from are partly due to the neglect of my parents. But I don't fully blame them because they lived stressful lives, and they did want the best for me - they just missed a few things.

I love them, I love my family and my friends. The thing is my depression and pain is all within myself. I'm proud of my life and what I've accomplished. But I don't want to keep living in pain.

If i do CTB, in the note I will tell them how I mentally feel, why I felt this was the only option. But I don't want to discuss the actual reasons behind this.

 

[AvaCutey]

It's not so much that I want my life to seem like a mystery or romantic.

I'd just rather not have my family know the causes because if they did, as I said, they would likely feel worse and guilty. The things I suffer from are partly due to the neglect of my parents. But I don't fully blame them because they lived stressful lives, and they did want the best for me - they just missed a few things.

I love them, I love my family and my friends. The thing is my depression and pain is all within myself. I'm proud of my life and what I've accomplished. But I don't want to keep living in pain.

If i do CTB, in the note I will tell them how I mentally feel, why I felt this was the only option. But I don't want to discuss the actual reasons behind this.

Do you have anyone you feel safe talking to? Proper, non superficial topics? I hope you confide in someone, toughing things alone, it's rough. Some things are so horrific they dim the lights in someone's eyes forever, but for you, I feel there's hope.

 

[affirmatice]

Do you have anyone you feel safe talking to? Proper, non superficial topics? I hope you confide in someone, toughing things alone, it's rough. Some things are so horrific they dim the lights in someone's eyes forever, but for you, I feel there's hope.

I talk to a therapist. Can't say I've seen any major progress after 7 appointments. He's the only person that I've opened up to about this.

why do you feel there's hope for me? It's not that I don't want to believe it. I blindly followed hope for 5 years and I'm still hurting worse than the first day I fell depressed.

 

[AvaCutey]

I talk to a therapist. Can't say I've seen any major progress after 7 appointments. He's the only person that I've opened up to about this.

why do you feel there's hope for me? It's not that I don't want to believe it. I blindly followed hope for 5 years and I'm still hurting worse than the first day I fell depressed.

I don't mean a therapist, I mean a friend. I've suffered through depression, the worst time of my life, and I tried a couple times to CTB. I found my people, I broke out of the cycle. Its possible. In therapy, I would be literally shaking; it was not a comfortable environment; it didn't work for me. I feel like you can be happy again. I don't know why, but I do. Maybe I see a bit of who I was in you? Or I am too emotionally attached to strangers on the internet.

 

[affirmatice]

I don't mean a therapist, I mean a friend. I've suffered through depression, the worst time of my life, and I tried a couple times to CTB. I found my people, I broke out of the cycle. Its possible. In therapy, I would be literally shaking; it was not a comfortable environment; it didn't work for me. I feel like you can be happy again. I don't know why, but I do. Maybe I see a bit of who I was in you? Or I am too emotionally attached to strangers on the internet.

I don't know if I can talk to a friend. Actually that's kind of the reason I feel suicidal in a way.

The issue I have is one of such great shame and embarrassment that opening up to friends about it seems literally impossible.

I know - it sounds dramatic. No issue on this earth is something that can't be talked about. But truthfully I can't. And I'm overall a pretty open person. I'm genuine and I can share a lot. But this is something that I just cannot discuss.

So beyond the pain it causes within me. I also haven't been able to find a way to overcome the barrier of shame. And I know that starts within me first. But I can't do it. I hate it too much about myself.

 

[AvaCutey]

I don't know if I can talk to a friend. Actually that's kind of the reason I feel suicidal in a way.

The issue I have is one of such great shame and embarrassment that opening up to friends about it seems literally impossible.

I know - it sounds dramatic. No issue on this earth is something that can't be talked about. But truthfully I can't. And I'm overall a pretty open person. I'm genuine and I can share a lot. But this is something that I just cannot discuss.

So beyond the pain it causes within me. I also haven't been able to find a way to overcome the barrier of shame. And I know that starts within me first. But I can't do it. I hate it too much about myself.

I will listen if you need someone, Maybe its hard if you know the person already.

 

[affirmatice]

I will listen if you need someone, Maybe its hard if you know the person already.

Thanks, I'm a bit tired today. But I'll come write tomorrow

 

[affirmatice]

I will listen if you need someone, Maybe its hard if you know the person already.

I guess I don't know where to start, so forgive me if this is long.
To preface, I know my reasons behind this will seem superficial or stupid to some. But I cannot fully describe how much this has pained and defined my life.

growing up I refused to take care of my teeth. My parents, while not entirely neglectful persay. Didn't really bother to establish the habit, and didn't really pay attention when I stopped brushing my teeth. I was a stupid kid, I knew I should be doing it, but I didn't. And everytime i visited the dentist there were no major issues, so i figured it was not a big deal.

By the age of 10, i got all my adult teeth and also got braces on them. During this period i continued my lack of care, and also began consuming tons of sugar. Can't really blame myself there - I loved soda, candy, and I had ample access to them.

By the age of 13, I got my braces off and my teeth were ruined. I realized in hindsight that this combination (braces, sugar, bad hygiene), is essentially the only way possible to completely wreck your teeth in a few short years. I got it all "fixed" at the time, it must've taken 10 hours in the chair.

I'm not going to get into the nitty gritty details of how this has affected my life. In summary, now as a grown adult, I think about it every second of every day. Shame, regret, anger, insecurity, is unbearable. It's kind of unexplainable the pain I feel to someone who hasn't experienced this. Best way I can describe it is - we're all very attached to our teeth, they're important. How would you feel now, if a dentist drilled away at almost every single tooth in your mouth. Imagine living half a decade without the ability to fully smile. Imagine living a life that is almost perfect, except that you cant bear to look at yourself in the mirror and see no solutions to your situation.

Some may say there are solutions out there. One could always get veneers, crowns, etc. I don't see that as a solution at all. The price, I can afford. I would without a doubt have dysmorphia after that procedure. every single case of veneers i've seen online (I must've looked through thousands), never look fully natural to me. Beyond that, they must be replaced every 10-20 years. So imagine every 10-20 years, you get a completely new smile that changes the way you look. I can't deal with that. Even beyond that is the shame and hatred I feel at this part of my body being destroyed and never able to return.

And I don't think my life will get any better. Just as example, I recently graduated from a prestigious university now making in the top 1% of money. I got extremely fit. I had relationships with attractive partners. I have good friends and family.

This one thing has caused me to experience no joy at all in my life. In my relationships I could never reveal this dirty secret and that caused me a ton of emotional strain. Most people in my circle have goals of travelling, parties, money, relationships, etc.

All I want back is this one thing that nothing will ever give me. All I think about is this. and I'm done. I'm tired of suffering insecurity, anger at everything. It's changed who I am, and I can't live like this anymore.

Sorry I know this was a long rant, I know that this may seem trivial to the things that others on this site are dealing with. But this is how I feel

 

[AvaCutey]

@affirmatice I don't think its stupid, when there's one thing in your life that you feel is the source of all your suffering and you think its unfixable. I have OCD, I brush my teeth for 10-20 minutes, and I never think they are clean enough, I have considered using bleach instead of toothpaste many times. If you are at the point of wanting to CTB, maybe exploring dental options first is a good idea. If you have the money, then seeking a specialist is a good idea, they can even show you what it would look like before you do it, I think. Maybe I don't understand fully, but it sound like in all other aspects you are doing quite well, isn't it worth the possible body dysmorphia? It might be a temporary adjustment to make, but I don't think it would make things worse, considering you are at rock bottom.

 

[affirmatice]

@affirmatice I don't think its stupid, when there's one thing in your life that you feel is the source of all your suffering and you think its unfixable. I have OCD, I brush my teeth for 10-20 minutes, and I never think they are clean enough, I have considered using bleach instead of toothpaste many times. If you are at the point of wanting to CTB, maybe exploring dental options first is a good idea. If you have the money, then seeking a specialist is a good idea, they can even show you what it would look like before you do it, I think. Maybe I don't understand fully, but it sound like in all other aspects you are doing quite well, isn't it worth the possible body dysmorphia? It might be a temporary adjustment to make, but I don't think it would make things worse, considering you are at rock bottom.

Yes you're correct. Everything else in my life is going exceedingly well.

That's partly what makes the decision harder to make. And I just feel this deep unending rage and pain at this one thing for stopping me from enjoying everything in my life.

I don't know if this is really addressable. I know I'm stubborn and maybe helpless. It seems obvious. If I want to live I need to accept it but I just can't I don't think I ever will.

I'm in my young 20s I know I have so much potential and I literally know my life would be great if I wasn't dealing with this. But this stripped away my dreams, confidence, and naiveness at a young age and I don't think I'll get it back.

 

[AvaCutey]

Yes you're correct. Everything else in my life is going exceedingly well.

That's partly what makes the decision harder to make. And I just feel this deep unending rage and pain at this one thing for stopping me from enjoying everything in my life.

I don't know if this is really addressable. I know I'm stubborn and maybe helpless. It seems obvious. If I want to live I need to accept it but I just can't I don't think I ever will.

I'm in my young 20s I know I have so much potential and I literally know my life would be great if I wasn't dealing with this. But this stripped away my dreams, confidence, and naiveness at a young age and I don't think I'll get it back.

It's easy to think, if only I had this my life would be great. But in reality, it doesn't matter how good your life is on paper. If you don't set meaningful goals for yourself and work towards them constantly, your life won't be forfulling.

You have achieved the other things in your life that you think would make you happy. Your only true desire now is impossible from your perspective. I can tell you now, if you get dental work done. You won't be happy. Not because you can't be happy but because you will have nothing left. No goal to work towards, so you will be aimless. Maybe that's what's scary?

You should think about the things you want to work towards. Things you want to create. The mark you want to leave on the world. In reality reaching your goal doesn't provide yourself with endless joy. Your dental issues haven't been robbing joy from your life. You have been robbing yourself by seeing things through that filter. We're the things you were working towards until this point your true desires? Or were they. "Maybe if I get to this point I'll stop thinking about my teeth."

If you don't try to get dental work done. Are you okay with that? Even if there's the chance you will feel liberated.

If your teeth are stopping you from setting life goals. Don't you think it's worth setting stubbornness aside here?

Isn't it better to have tried and lost, than to have never tried at all?
(Forgive me Alfred Lord Tennyson for brutalising your poetry.)

 

[affirmatice]

It's easy to think, if only I had this my life would be great. But in reality, it doesn't matter how good your life is on paper. If you don't set meaningful goals for yourself and work towards them constantly, your life won't be forfulling.

You have achieved the other things in your life that you think would make you happy. Your only true desire now is impossible from your perspective. I can tell you now, if you get dental work done. You won't be happy. Not because you can't be happy but because you will have nothing left. No goal to work towards, so you will be aimless. Maybe that's what's scary?

You should think about the things you want to work towards. Things you want to create. The mark you want to leave on the world. In reality reaching your goal doesn't provide yourself with endless joy. Your dental issues haven't been robbing joy from your life. You have been robbing yourself by seeing things through that filter. We're the things you were working towards until this point your true desires? Or were they. "Maybe if I get to this point I'll stop thinking about my teeth."

If you don't try to get dental work done. Are you okay with that? Even if there's the chance you will feel liberated.

If your teeth are stopping you from setting life goals. Don't you think it's worth setting stubbornness aside here?

Isn't it better to have tried and lost, than to have never tried at all?
(Forgive me Alfred Lord Tennyson for brutalising your poetry.)

I agree with what you said.

Yea, all the goals I've been working towards are more or less distractions. If i just do this or that, I'll feel better about myself. And I'm running from the true issue.

Ok, i thought to myself. So i need to confront the true issue. After graduation and moving to a new city, starting a new job. I realized I can't keep running forever.

So I sat down with my thoughts more, I saw a therapist, I went through all the possible outcomes of my future. And to be honest, I saw nothing but more pain - more insecurity, more dysmorphia, more of missing out on everything around me.

You mentioned that I was seeing things through a filter - where my entire world is revolving around my teeth. That's 100% true. But at the same time, that just goes to show you how important teeth are. Not being able to smile freely. Not being able to feel good or confident in myself. Every time I look in the mirror, I eat, I smile, I laugh, I look at other people's teeth. there are 1,000 things a day that constantly remind me of it.

As I told my therapist - it's more than an insecurity. It's something I can't easily describe. It's one thing to be insecure about your teeth because they're crooked or maybe a little yellow or whatever. It's a completely different thing to have straight up dental work on every single tooth, and that's the big issue, i'll explain a bit more.

you mentioned that I could set aside my goals of dental work and try to find peace without it. That is certainly a good approach for most insecurities. You should accept it first and kinda detach yourself from it, or else any sort of cosmetic surgery or whatever is only likely going to lead to more dysmorphia and insecurity.

The thing is... I can't really just not get any dental work done. all the fillings i have on my front teeth are starting to stain and discolor. Within a few more years, they'll likely look even worse and more noticeable. At that point, I will either need to get them redone, or get veneers. So it really doesn't seem like something I can just detach myself from. Can anyone somehow detach themselves from teeth that don't look great, and everytime you eat, your wondering if your teeth are getting more stained, discolored, etc.

It's crazy to think that all of this pain and suffering could've been prevented if my parents, myself, or my doctors had been more diligent. I spent years and years going back in time and thinking of all the possible ways this could've been prevented. But now that the "worse case" scenario happened. I just can't cope with it. I'm mad that this one thing has dictated so much of my life, and i'm tired of it. Sorry if i sound stubborn or unhelpable,

 

[AvaCutey]

@affirmatice I'm not suggesting to set aside your goals of dental work at all. I'm telling you, you need to make goals beyond that for you to feel any happier after it's done. You need to think about your life after dental work, or you will feel hopeless.

Let me break down my thoughts.

I think your only remaining hope is dental work. Even if you uncertain.

After you get your dental work done, that hope will no longer be there, you will be lost.

You need goal and dreams to work for before you do any work so you don't lose hope and can work towards something. This way you aren't facing a total identity crisis.

Dental work should be the stepping stone. Not the destination.

 

[affirmatice]

@affirmatice I'm not suggesting to set aside your goals of dental work at all. I'm telling you, you need to make goals beyond that for you to feel any happier after it's done. You need to think about your life after dental work, or you will feel hopeless.

Let me break down my thoughts.

I think your only remaining hope is dental work. Even if you uncertain.

After you get your dental work done, that hope will no longer be there, you will be lost.

You need goal and dreams to work for before you do any work so you don't lose hope and can work towards something. This way you aren't facing a total identity crisis.

Dental work should be the stepping stone. Not the destination.

But what goals can I have?

I'm not an aimless person. Actually I'm a big dreamer and back in the day, I had huge, amazing goals for my life. I wanted to be the best person I could be, I wanted to be the best basketball player I could be, I wanted to make money and travel the world, I wanted to give my all to an amazing relationship.

But all that was on the prerequisite that I felt happy with myself. Isn't that the goal of life at the end of the day? We want to be happy with ourselves and on top of that we want to chase our dreams.

But it's pretty hard to feel excited about dreams when you are unhappy with the core of yourself. Sounds dramatic, but...

It's kinda affected every part of my life. Beyond just feeling unhappy with myself and depressed/anxious all the time - that has of course affected my life in every way.

But also... it directly has affected everything. I wanted to meet new friends, relationships etc. But insecurity over my teeth causes a lot of anxiety in social situations. Even though as of right now it's not terribly noticeable.

I wanted to try new foods, and I love cooking. But I feel an incredibly amount of guilt when eating foods, that kind of ruined it for me.

I wanted to be in an amazing relationship. And I'm in one right now (early stages), with an honestly beautiful and amazing girl. But again, I feel deep down that if I told her about this, she would certainly look at me differently, and it would ruin the amazing image of me that she might have right now. I thought about how if I CTB, she will be sad and likely move on to be with another person. That made me feel incredibly upset, but also, if I stayed with her. I'm not sure how I would be able to cope with this standing between our relationship.

I wanted to travel the world. But everytime I go on a trip with friends or family. The whole time i'm feeling insanely depressed and insecure about my teeth. Quite literally not allowing myself joy because I can't smile or laugh freely.

I've lived like this for over 5 years and that in itself also makes me feel bad. knowing that I lost 5 years, and who knows how many future years. Which are supposed to be the best years of my life.

How should I go about this? Can you see why even though it may seem like not the end of the world, or something that is maybe "fixable". That it's causing me immense distress and that is the sole reason that I am on this forum? Thanks again for listening and responding, I'm still torn within my heart at what the right path is. It just seems like dealing with this and going forward into the future is just too much struggle. CTB is there. If i'm being honest the primary things holding me back now are fear of pain/failure, and how it would hurt those around me.

 

[AvaCutey]

Well you should think of all the things you have always wanted to do, personally I'm working on a few stories. I want to be a good mother in the future. Become financially stable build a house of my own. I want to continue to make songs and work on my skills, and get better at art. I want to end up in a forfilling Career. And many more.

If you can think of the things you want to achieve after you get your teeth seen by a specialist I'm sure you will be able to be happy

 

[affirmatice]

Well you should think of all the things you have always wanted to do, personally I'm working on a few stories. I want to be a good mother in the future. Become financially stable build a house of my own. I want to continue to make songs and work on my skills, and get better at art. I want to end up in a forfilling Career. And many more.

If you can think of the things you want to achieve after you get your teeth seen by a specialist I'm sure you will be able to be happy

All the things I wanted to do feel completely blocked by this.

That's where I'm lost. I want to do everything I just said, but I'm not sure if I can. Or rather, I'm not sure if I can be happy with myself first, which would take a tremendous amount of fight, and then go on to have the energy to do what I want to do.

I know CTB hardly ever makes sense to others. People will always look at other peoples lives and say, oh that's fixable or addressable. It's the end of the world. So i understand that there is no "right" answer. It comes down to, there is something in my life causing immense pain and internal self-rejection. Do I think the battle is winnable? is there a future? Of course all friends and family would tell me to hold on, keep fighting, find happiness.

But i've tried for so long, and i'm just tired of fighting this uphill battle that it seems no one around me has to deal with. So I haven't made a decision yet, but it seems rather likely that I may CTB. I'm angry at everyone and every circumstance that has put me in this position. But this is my reality. I just can't take the suffering anymore.

 

[AvaCutey]

@affirmatice You're right, no one will truely understand your thoughts. I'm not the type of person to blame others, There's always a reason for almost all decisions. I know what it feels like when you think theres only one option left. CTB is always an option.

It makes complete sense, a part of you is the root of your suffering, the only way to escape from yourself is to CTB.

But what if seeing a specialist and getting crowns does help you?

Then you might be able to live the life you always dreamed about.

And if it doesn't and your life is still unbearable CTB is still an option.

This isn't about winning or losing, it's about you, and your life.

You have an option left to explore, who knows if it will "fix" anything.

What do you have to loose?

 

[affirmatice]

@affirmatice You're right, no one will truely understand your thoughts. I'm not the type of person to blame others, There's always a reason for almost all decisions. I know what it feels like when you think theres only one option left. CTB is always an option.

It makes complete sense, a part of you is the root of your suffering, the only way to escape from yourself is to CTB.

But what if seeing a specialist and getting crowns does help you?

Then you might be able to live the life you always dreamed about.

And if it doesn't and your life is still unbearable CTB is still an option.

This isn't about winning or losing, it's about you, and your life.

You have an option left to explore, who knows if it will "fix" anything.

What do you have to loose?

I guess, I have nothing to lose really, except ongoing pain right?

I was 18 when I first became extremely depressed about this. 5 years later, I'm even more depressed. If you told me the next 5, 10, 20 years would be a repeat of those 5 years. Then, I'd rather not deal with that again.

And I know, this comes back to my perfectionist and idealistic traits. there are 100s, if not thousands of people who have had the exact same issues but have gotten cosmetic dental work and probably felt great about themselves. I don't know if I'm that type of person.

Ideally, I would detach myself from this. I would not put all my self-worth into this. I would accept the fact that my teeth will never be "normal". Some people just care less about this. I've seen videos where people get fake, artificial looking teeth. And their ecstatic, they say they love them and their lives are changed. But that's not who I am. Even beyond the physical dysmorphia. I have this rotten feeling in my core. That this had happened to me. I'm talking to an amazing girl right now. We're sort of in a relationship. When I see her smile I see this pure, clean, beautiful person. I'll never be like that. Because this has happened to me in my past.

I don't want to have to change my mindset or change who I am to cope. It sounds dramatic, but teeth are something that I think everyone is anxious about. If I did get veneers, even appearance aside. I would always be worried about damaging them, chipping them. I would have second guesses everytime I wanted to eat something crunchy, or if I was drunk and wrestling around with friends. And then 10-15 years later, I would need to replace them and go through that whole traumatic process again.

SIGH! who the hell knew that teeth were so important until your in a situation like me... I don't know.

You talked about this isn't about winning or losing, this is just my life. Interesting, I haven't really thought about it like that before. I have thought about, okay, this is my one life, do I give it a shot, do I try my best?

but wow... I just don't think I can do it. It's so interesting how one seemingly "minor" thing can impact your whole life. In my experiences with this, it's worse than any other insecurity imaginable. The social stigma, the direct correlation it has to expressing joy, the money involved, how much it reflects on your self-worth, how finnicky it is, I can't believe that there is an alternate universe of me where I don't have to worry about all of this.

I found a post online about someone who dealt with the exact same thing as me. young age, braces, didn't take care of them, ruined teeth. She wrote about how her entire 20s was filled with deep insecurity at anyone viewing her teeth up close. She got veneers at 30 years old, she wrote of the intense anxiety over seeing her teeth permanently shaved down. After she got the veneers, she wrote about how she continued to struggle with body dysmorphia around them, having to accept the way they looked. That is just not the life I want to live.

Thanks again for writing to me.

 

[AvaCutey]

I guess, I have nothing to lose really, except ongoing pain right?

I was 18 when I first became extremely depressed about this. 5 years later, I'm even more depressed. If you told me the next 5, 10, 20 years would be a repeat of those 5 years. Then, I'd rather not deal with that again.

And I know, this comes back to my perfectionist and idealistic traits. there are 100s, if not thousands of people who have had the exact same issues but have gotten cosmetic dental work and probably felt great about themselves. I don't know if I'm that type of person.

Ideally, I would detach myself from this. I would not put all my self-worth into this. I would accept the fact that my teeth will never be "normal". Some people just care less about this. I've seen videos where people get fake, artificial looking teeth. And their ecstatic, they say they love them and their lives are changed. But that's not who I am. Even beyond the physical dysmorphia. I have this rotten feeling in my core. That this had happened to me. I'm talking to an amazing girl right now. We're sort of in a relationship. When I see her smile I see this pure, clean, beautiful person. I'll never be like that. Because this has happened to me in my past.

I don't want to have to change my mindset or change who I am to cope. It sounds dramatic, but teeth are something that I think everyone is anxious about. If I did get veneers, even appearance aside. I would always be worried about damaging them, chipping them. I would have second guesses everytime I wanted to eat something crunchy, or if I was drunk and wrestling around with friends. And then 10-15 years later, I would need to replace them and go through that whole traumatic process again.

SIGH! who the hell knew that teeth were so important until your in a situation like me... I don't know.

You talked about this isn't about winning or losing, this is just my life. Interesting, I haven't really thought about it like that before. I have thought about, okay, this is my one life, do I give it a shot, do I try my best?

but wow... I just don't think I can do it. It's so interesting how one seemingly "minor" thing can impact your whole life. In my experiences with this, it's worse than any other insecurity imaginable. The social stigma, the direct correlation it has to expressing joy, the money involved, how much it reflects on your self-worth, how finnicky it is, I can't believe that there is an alternate universe of me where I don't have to worry about all of this.

I found a post online about someone who dealt with the exact same thing as me. young age, braces, didn't take care of them, ruined teeth. She wrote about how her entire 20s was filled with deep insecurity at anyone viewing her teeth up close. She got veneers at 30 years old, she wrote of the intense anxiety over seeing her teeth permanently shaved down. After she got the veneers, she wrote about how she continued to struggle with body dysmorphia around them, having to accept the way they looked. That is just not the life I want to live.

Thanks again for writing to me.

Ultimately, there's no wrong decision. Getting veneers, or CTB. You have the agency and freedom to do either. And going through with either requires great mental conviction and resolve. You are strong to come this far. It is up to you to decide if this is where you want the end of your story to be.