Discussion How do I overcome my agoraphobia?

[Anxieyote]

I need to start leaving the house eventually. I'm 28, and I can barely walk out of my front door without having an anxiety attack. I want to go places, I want to meet people, and I want to make friends. But I am terrified of being anywhere in public. I never feel "allowed" to be anywhere, if that makes sense. I would even love to just sit in cafes and play games on my laptop, but there's something about people walking by and looking at my screen that makes me nervous (not just because I browse SS). I'm just worried about all the little judgements they are making in their brain about me based on what I'm doing, or what I'm looking at.

I described a situation like this to my therapist:

I am at a coffee shop in town. One of my favorite movies is Transformers, so I pull it up on my laptop. As I'm watching it, I feel someone watching my screen from behind. They don't say anything. I immediately assume they are thinking, "Wow, what a loser. Watching a movie by himself in a coffee shop? LOL. And it's Transformers? The really shitty Michael Bay one? This guy is pathetic."

I would then exit the coffee shop, and never come back, worried that the patrons and staff know me as "the weird Transformers guy" now.

These are thoughts that people may or may not have in regards to me watching a movie in a public space, but I am absolutely paralyzed at the thought that they would condemn my taste in media, or—in the worst case scenarios—have an explicit reaction, such as pointing and laughing, whispering something I cant hear in their friend's ear, or making a comment like "that movie is really gay, dude". If anything like that happened, I would piss myself. I wouldn't know how to respond, my face would turn red with embarrassment, and I'd gather my things and leave immediately.

I have a few questions for you all. Number one being—how can I overcome this fear?

But also, do you think this fear is justifiable to have? Are there realistically any downsides to relaxing in public and watching shows, playing games, etc., that I may not be considering? I just would like somewhere else to lounge at aside from my apartment, because it has become like a prison to me.

 

[Foresight]

On the deeper side you might be uncomfortable within yourself. I know I am and that adds to my issue. My top advice would be to start working on the feelings of discomfort within because eventually you can will sit more comfortably in your own skin in more places. But that takes time and you shouldn't feel caged in the meantime.

Start with exposure in safe ways at comfortable places and move your way out. If you like cafes then start at a cafe with your cell phone that no one can see the screen. Sit off to the side in a place that doesn't feel vulnerable. Movie theaters are good because it's among people but it's dark and people are not paying attention to you. A lot more people go on their own now. Parks and open places are great because people are about their business and you can freely move without notice more than enclosed spaces. There's more space between you and others. I don't know how secluded you are but bit by bit exposure does help.

I'm quite a severe recluse but I have an additional issue that's physical. If you're as uncomfortable as me and need a even more safe exposure I recommend visiting places and sitting in your car. You're out there but you're also safe in your own zone. That has really helped me. Exposure therapy really is the key. I think agoraphobia is actually a very treatment responsive condition as well. A therapist might be a decent tool to consider.

 

[Me37]

I struggled with it for many years. There came a point in my life where I wouldn't walk by an open door or window. The curtains had to remain shut. I was very suicidal and spoke to a psychologist but that didn't help. The meds I was on didn't help either. How I overcome my agoraphobia is not what you want to hear but it's what I did. I went outside. At first I couldn't step foot outside without someone next to me but as time went on I started doing it on my own. I got a job and woke up two hours early coz I knew I would be standing by the door for atleast an hour before I actually open the door. At first it was extremely difficult, the hardest thing I've ever done, but with time it got easier. What I realized was that everyone was just going about their lives. They didn't care what I was doing or wearing. I still get moments where I struggle to go certain places but I think it happens if I stay indoors for too long. I hope this helps.

 

[Gordy99]

It sounds like you care a lot about what other people think. This is perfectly normal and I used to be the same way. The medication I started taking a few years ago has helped me become calm and at ease with myself. I still care about things but I don't care what other people think of me anymore. I will admit that I don't really leave my apartment but it's mostly because I prefer to be alone. I know the feeling though where being inside your apartment for long periods of time can feel like prison.

I'm not sure if you are on medication. If not, have you considered this option?

 

[Smart No More]

To be honest, I don't think it's healthy to use medication to deal with this kind of anxiety as it will never solve the problem. It's the kind of issue you really need to face head on and deal with. I imagine that sounds terrifying and I feel for you. I will say this and I hope in some way it may be of use to you......all the coffee shop owners just want your custom and if that means you watching Michael Bay films on your laptop while you're there, even better as you'll be there longer and therefore spending money. They would be more judgmental of you if you bought a single item from the cheapest menu options and made it last you a full movie. You'll more than likely find other people doing the same as you. Also, in that situation, someone looking at your screen briefly is unlikely to see it long enough or paying enough attention to know whethet you're watching a full movie, an add or anything else. The people that will notice are more likely to be fans too. I know the coffee shop thing was just an example though so I'll attempt to expand a little.... Anywhere you go in public there are always going to be people that have a different viewpoint on things. You accept their differences and they in turn must accept yours. Sounds idyllic and to some extent it is. There will always be dick heads and unfortunately we have to accept that too but in public spaces they tend go as quick as they come so if you're not confrontational it's only a couple of mins you have to endure them and then they're gone.

I guess I would suggest starting small. Set some goals and do it in increments. If you can start out doing it with a friend or family member that's maybe a helpful starting point.

Also look for places where you're more likely to find people that are more like minded with you.

It will just take some time. One thing is certain, the longer you put it off the more you will solidify your fears and the harder it will become. At the very least I would start forcing yourself to walk up and down you street once or twice a week. It will get easier!

The truth is that most people are too busy dealing with their own issues or self interest. Those that have the time to be a dick to you have probably made enemies and are also dealing with their own insecurities. These days though I've noticed that people care less and less avout what others are doing. For example exercising outdoors. I was once quite self conscious of doing things like that and there would rarely be anyone doing it in the local park. Now there are always people runing or exercising to the point that you kind of don't notice them. There are a lot of failing in society but we're currently in a very accepting time socially. Race, weight, sexuality etc etc are all very prominent matters of contention these days and people are terrified to even go there. Its the age of 'everyone is perfect'. It's a little flawed and misguided but it suits people like yourself that are looking for a way to find their way out into the world.

Once you get the ball rolling things will get easier. I can't stress that enough. You may always carry some social anxiety but over time it will improve and become an occasional thing. I can imagine that seems like a distant dream right now but you may be surprised.

 

[InezSerrano]

Exposure therapy? I only leave the house to purchase groceries and I only go in the early morning when the store is empty. I might try going a bit later when there are more people or I used to go on walks but only in the early morning or late night to avoid people (this may be unsafe depending on various factors so consider that of course).

I have anxiety and maybe agoraphobia, IDK. (My therapist said I may have it).

I also use buspirone which helps a bit, but I want to increase my dose. I'm not anxious 24/7 tho!

Movie theatre may also be a good suggestion, IDK.

 

[Anxieyote]

To be honest, I don't think it's healthy to use medication to deal with this kind of anxiety as it will never solve the problem. It's the kind of issue you really need to face head on and deal with. I imagine that sounds terrifying and I feel for you. I will say this and I hope in some way it may be of use to you......all the coffee shop owners just want your custom and if that means you watching Michael Bay films on your laptop while you're there, even better as you'll be there longer and therefore spending money. They would be more judgmental of you if you bought a single item from the cheapest menu options and made it last you a full movie. You'll more than likely find other people doing the same as you. Also, in that situation, someone looking at your screen briefly is unlikely to see it long enough or paying enough attention to know whethet you're watching a full movie, an add or anything else. The people that will notice are more likely to be fans too. I know the coffee shop thing was just an example though so I'll attempt to expand a little.... Anywhere you go in public there are always going to be people that have a different viewpoint on things. You accept their differences and they in turn must accept yours. Sounds idyllic and to some extent it is. There will always be dick heads and unfortunately we have to accept that too but in public spaces they tend go as quick as they come so if you're not confrontational it's only a couple of mins you have to endure them and then they're gone.

I guess I would suggest starting small. Set some goals and do it in increments. If you can start out doing it with a friend or family member that's maybe a helpful starting point.

Also look for places where you're more likely to find people that are more like minded with you.

It will just take some time. One thing is certain, the longer you put it off the more you will solidify your fears and the harder it will become. At the very least I would start forcing yourself to walk up and down you street once or twice a week. It will get easier!

The truth is that most people are too busy dealing with their own issues or self interest. Those that have the time to be a dick to you have probably made enemies and are also dealing with their own insecurities. These days though I've noticed that people care less and less avout what others are doing. For example exercising outdoors. I was once quite self conscious of doing things like that and there would rarely be anyone doing it in the local park. Now there are always people runing or exercising to the point that you kind of don't notice them. There are a lot of failing in society but we're currently in a very accepting time socially. Race, weight, sexuality etc etc are all very prominent matters of contention these days and people are terrified to even go there. Its the age of 'everyone is perfect'. It's a little flawed and misguided but it suits people like yourself that are looking for a way to find their way out into the world.

Once you get the ball rolling things will get easier. I can't stress that enough. You may always carry some social anxiety but over time it will improve and become an occasional thing. I can imagine that seems like a distant dream right now but you may be surprised.

This post was very helpful to me, and I wanted to thank you for it. I think I was halfway wishing for an answer like, "I took this pill, and now I'm not anxious at all anymore in public", but this is what I would consider to be a more realistic option; one that requires summoning personal strength and setting fear aside.

You are correct that it seems like a distant dream at the moment, because I still have a very visceral reaction when I think of browsing my laptop in a public space. But it won't get any better until I take those first steps and try being out by myself.

 

[L-L]

Consider looking up systematic desensitisation. It's a therapy to that you could administer with the help of a trusted friend if you were prepared enough.

 

[NumbItAll]

I think I was halfway wishing for an answer like, "I took this pill, and now I'm not anxious at all anymore in public", but this is what I would consider to be a more realistic option; one that requires summoning personal strength and setting fear aside.

I actually think benzos can be really useful in conjunction with exposure therapy. Like if there's something you've been wanting to do but have too much anxiety for it, benzos can help get you into that situation without panicking. Then once you experience it and see that it's okay, you can start to push yourself further and further. This strategy depends on being able to use benzos responsibly and only when needed, since they are addictive.

 

[Smart No More]

I actually think benzos can be really useful in conjunction with exposure therapy. Like if there's something you've been wanting to do but have too much anxiety for it, benzos can help get you into that situation without panicking. Then once you experience it and see that it's okay, you can start to push yourself further and further. This strategy depends on being able to use benzos responsibly and only when needed, since they are addictive.

Totally agree. I've written a similar post a couple of times and deleted it out of concerns I may promote benzos and add to potential issues but I agree that if you can approach it systematically (e.g first exposure on benzos then follow up exposure without) and very strictly limit the use of them then its definitely of potential use. It's quite a balancing act though as that relief from anxiety has a very very addictive pull and you can end up stuck at home just sucking them down until they no longer work and then the reboud repercussions of that are ten fold.

It would be ideal if you could have someone assist you with a plan like that really. Good support is invaluable but hard to find in my experience.

 

[Julgran]

I had something like this some time ago, and I spent several years observing how people looked at or acted towards other people. In this way, I learned that people didn't treat me any different to other people, so those behaviours in me decreased as time passed.

 

[Smart No More]

Something that some acting/performance teachers teach is that the audience don't care about the actor/performer. They care about themselves and project those feeling onto the performer in such a way that echos their own issues, fears, hopes etc. I think it's a good understanding to apply to life as nothing is diiferent. We are all just actors in the grand scheme of life and we are also part of the audience to others. We judge ourselves by others but more importantly we judge other by our own understanding of ourselves. We project our worst image of ourself onto those around us and judge them for the thinks we dislike about ourselves. It's the origin of bitterness I think. Being aware of this can be a useful tool in understanding and identifying things we don't like in ourselve, working on them and getting past them. Unfortunately many are closed off to such self honesty but just in knowing that their bitterness towards us is fueled by their dislike for an element of their self somehow dilutes and dissolves the weight of their opinion towards us. It turns it to nothing and sometimes even makes yoy feel sorry for them. Most importantly it can stop us being so concerned about the way others feel about us. In my case I found it really liverating to start admitting to my flaws or just to being wrong sometimes in public arenas. Once you do that you both disarms people (because they're expecting knee jerk reactions akin to their own) and gain a certain gravitas and respect. You're also inadvertently teaching by example. When you identify a sort of genuineness in yourself like that is hard not to be satisfied by it. It kind of makes you whole. Over time it's really beneficial and you get on a roll to becoming a stronger person with less fears.

 

[Somber]

Most people will be too caught up in their own world to even notice you most of the time and if you happen to do something to draw their attention they'll remember what drew their attention, but not who caused.

To use your Michael Bay reference as an example. The other people at the cafe will remember (briefly) all the lens flares interrupting their peaceful coffee break but not who owned the laptop.

You could literally go out into the street in your undies and nobody who sees you the next day fully clothed will associate you with THAT person because they were too focused on those undies and they are seeing you now in a different social setting than they are used to.

Just relax and remember EVERYone is naked underneath their clothes.

Hope that helps. Don't take this advice as a suggestion to go streaking. You might still get arrested.

 

[Smart No More]

Hope that helps. Don't take this advice as a suggestion to go streaking. You might still get arrested.

Yeah but nobody would remember it was him so it's fine lol.

 

[everydayiloveyou]

I have social anxiety disorder, but it functioned in a similar way to yours. I was constantly obsessing over the possible reactions people could have over anything I did or said. It's scary to the point that I avoid during important things. Straight up avoiding all social situations left me afraid to leave my home, I didn't even want to take out the trash because I felt like people would see me. Or I'd run into someone from school or work.

CBT helps a little with those thoughts but the real effective treatment for me has been medication. I avoided it for years during my recovery, but now that I'm on it, my mind feels so much clearer. It's a whole other world when you are not constantly running through these disaster scenarios in your head all the time.

Enjoy what you want when you are out! I've spoken about similar things with my therapists and something that helps is getting to the root of it. My friends used to tease me about my hobbies so I felt embarrassed to even mention my "normal" interests like drawing. It stemmed from a fear that the things I like are inherently embarrassing, that I'm unlikeable because I like these things. The reality is that everyone has their tastes and preferences. If you go around hiding yourseld to everyone, you will still end up miserable (my therapist would often say, "isnt that what youre doing now? Just avoiding their reaction? Is that *really* making you feel better?"). On the other hand, if someone legit finds your hobbies lame, then that's someone you dont want to be around probably, because they'd make you feel even shittier.

I know thats cliche, so another thing I like to remember is that normal people do not think in black-and-white terms. Just because you watch Transformers by yourself at the cafe doesnt mean everyone will always see you as a lame, horrible, gross person or whatever. I dislike spicy food -- I tease my roommate about how she always eats extremely spicy things, and she teases me for crying whenever I try her food. Before I started meds, I would obsess over this and think that she hates me or thinks I'm a total loser who is as picky as a baby. In reality, no one is thinking in such rigid ways! She can find my food preferences strange but like other parts about me. Similarly, someone can find it funny that you enjoy that Transformers movie, but it says nothing about you. It just tells you that this person dislikes that Transformers movie, so it's amusing that someone seems to enjoy it. They could still be a potential friend who respects that this is your hobby. They will still treat you as a human being, and anything mean they may say is more of a fleeting thought than a targeted attempt to hurt you.

 

[LADY007]

I need to start leaving the house eventually. I'm 28, and I can barely walk out of my front door without having an anxiety attack. I want to go places, I want to meet people, and I want to make friends. But I am terrified of being anywhere in public. I never feel "allowed" to be anywhere, if that makes sense. I would even love to just sit in cafes and play games on my laptop, but there's something about people walking by and looking at my screen that makes me nervous (not just because I browse SS). I'm just worried about all the little judgements they are making in their brain about me based on what I'm doing, or what I'm looking at.

I described a situation like this to my therapist:

I am at a coffee shop in town. One of my favorite movies is Transformers, so I pull it up on my laptop. As I'm watching it, I feel someone watching my screen from behind. They don't say anything. I immediately assume they are thinking, "Wow, what a loser. Watching a movie by himself in a coffee shop? LOL. And it's Transformers? The really shitty Michael Bay one? This guy is pathetic."

I would then exit the coffee shop, and never come back, worried that the patrons and staff know me as "the weird Transformers guy" now.

These are thoughts that people may or may not have in regards to me watching a movie in a public space, but I am absolutely paralyzed at the thought that they would condemn my taste in media, or—in the worst case scenarios—have an explicit reaction, such as pointing and laughing, whispering something I cant hear in their friend's ear, or making a comment like "that movie is really gay, dude". If anything like that happened, I would piss myself. I wouldn't know how to respond, my face would turn red with embarrassment, and I'd gather my things and leave immediately.

I have a few questions for you all. Number one being—how can I overcome this fear?

But also, do you think this fear is justifiable to have? Are there realistically any downsides to relaxing in public and watching shows, playing games, etc., that I may not be considering? I just would like somewhere else to lounge at aside from my apartment, because it has become like a prison to me.

Stop assuming what people think !!! I take a book or laptop and go to a favorite restaurant. Chili's is a favorite. i will sit in the bar if it isn't busy or in the dining room. I dress conservatively ( I'm female) and it becomes very comfortable as I quickly get to know the manager and employees. You could find a place where your laptop would be facing the wall so what you watch is private. Many people are seen these days alone in restaurants. Salesmen leave customer's business's and homes then can be seen in restaurants finishing details about the sale. I see men in restaurants doing this ALL the time. It never occurred to me that they were losers.