How do I make hope stop?

[Ineedapush]

It was another day of reminders of how much I don't deserve this life. I hate living so much. I've been hitting my thighs again to relocate the pain and make my mind stop with the horrible messages.

I work 2 jobs that exhaust me and I'm still struggling. I fucked myself over when I was younger and now I'm paying for it (literally). Both jobs are dead ends on top of that and one makes me feel so bad about myself. I feel I'm just floating though this life just waiting to die so I've stopped caring and have let my work suffer because of it. I'll probably be fired soon.

I spend so much time on social media and realize how much I don't deserve to live. There are so many girls like me. I'm like a shit version of them all. Like a prototype that wasn't as good as the finished product and left to rot. I wish I could just rot...

I met someone new who would be perfect for me if I wasn't so damaged. I can't allow him to get close. He tells me nice things about me and I'm tired of the lies.

I'm a jynx. I feel I was born under a bad sign. I feel like a demon has always followed me. I know if there is a hell I will be going, but I deserve to be there. The pain and torture is what I get for wasting this life and not understanding how to just live.

Anyway, I needed to vent before posing this question: how do I give up the feeling of hope or squash it? I'm so tired. I can't keep going on like this anymore. I get so close to finally giving up, but that brainwashing tool of hope sneaks in and I just feel defeated. I cry and hit myself and force myself to do horrible things as a punishment for continuing to live. Please help me with any advice you have learned or have experienced. I'm begging, please. Idk what else to do. I can feel the end is near for me and I just want to go.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

What are you hopeful for still? That things might get better? Or maybe to achieve a dream or passion you still have? For me I really have no hope left maybe a tiny bit that makes me question if I could go on but I can´t because of money and bad physical health. You mention you have some pain or injures what are those?

Also what horrible things do you do to yourself and also why? Is it because you feel pathetic and weak maybe? You work two jobs and I certainly couldn´t do that even if I was healthy just the thought of working 8-10 hours a day 5 days a week with only 2 days to yourself is frightening and I guess it´s awesome you have the strengths to do so.

But how do you kill hope? Just experience so much failure and gain so much knowledge about the world that it´s insane how clear you see this shitty existence almost like a video game where you see the codes of ones and zero´s because you know so much but trust me this feels terrible. I don´t know if this helped maybe a bit or maybe I didn´t even answer your question remotely close?

Anyways if you feel like it you can PM me and tell me in private more about your physical pain or whatever if you feel you don´t want to share it with the whole world.