Help How do I go back to feeling the depressive darkness?

[Obliviate]

Hi,

Been on this site for years. A couple years back I had the most intense, numb, dark, despair, depressed CTB feeling and I want that state of mind back. Incredibly bad. Right now I'm acting like I'm not going to CTB. I need my brain and body to get in the right "mood" in order to CTB if that makes sense. Or I'm not sure if I'll be able to pull it off and my SI will take control.

When I was in that place, nothing could have stopped me from CTB. Because my brain is already incredibly traumatized, it tries to protect itself by forcing happy thoughts, maladaptive daydreaming is literally the only thing keeping me somewhat sane. I had a huge existential crises today when I had a reminder of how little I make in a year not a livable wage at all and how I'm a slave in the system. The thing I'm struggling with that I'm debating back and forth on is I want my last times to be "happy" but then I'm not in the CTB mood. I technically don't want to be immensely depressed when I go but I feel like that's the only way I'll actually be able to go through with it.
Like I don't want to have CTB in my mind 24/7 and spend my last moments with my cats like that.


I find myself worrying about mundane things quite a bit which unfortunately is something we cannot avoid. Like bills, protection, basic hygiene, exercise.

One thing I know people do is try to minimize mundane things like eat a lot less. ( BUT Food is literally one of the only things that make me happy.) and I need energy and strength to do anything.

I already don't leave the house because of agoraphobia. My main concern is the maladaptive daydreaming, I've done it since I was a child again as a way to distract my brain from the trauma and abuse so it's incredibly difficult to just "stop". However I'll try to minimize it.

I was thinking things like stop cooking, buying things (even though I barely do that anyways). Does anyone else have any other methods they suggest? I already isolate myself like crazy.

 

[INYGTRMTFMO]

Jokey answer: read the news -- that should give you plenty of despair and darkness.

Serious answer: Depression, by its nature, has ebbs and flows. Most people experience periods where it is all-consuming and asphyxiating and periods where it's transient and lighter.

I'm also not sure that being in a deeper depressive period inherently makes the SI go away. I've been at the bottom of my hopelessness and self-loathing, and my primitive monkey brain still kicked in and said "NOPE."

 

[Siamese Believe]

You kind've have to let it come back naturally, or watch depressing videos, like this one:

 

[Obliviate]

You kind've have to let it come back naturally, or watch depressing videos, like this one:

That song used to creep me out in a good way. I liked it. This video definitely overstimulated me.

Jokey answer: read the news -- that should give you plenty of despair and darkness.

Serious answer: Depression, by its nature, has ebbs and flows. Most people experience periods where it is all-consuming and asphyxiating and periods where it's transient and lighter.

I'm also not sure that being in a deeper depressive period inherently makes the SI go away. I've been at the bottom of my hopelessness and self-loathing, and my primitive monkey brain still kicked in and said "NOPE."

The thing with the news is that it absolutely helps such as the human rights violations happening currently but they genuinely get me such in such a bad mood that I go numb and can't do regular daily maintenance things. I do look at it often to get me back in the "serious" mood.

That's such an interesting definition of depression wow.

Huh really? it was opposite for me. When I was at the lowest of the low, I was ready to go. But still haven't went so that's something. But essentially being in that deeper depressive state made the SI fall back

 

[TheMadmanJL]

By not giving a fu*k!! If you don't give a damn then it doesn't matter!

 

[Obliviate]

wish it was that easy. I sometimes with I was just a psychopath with no feelings.

By not giving a fu*k!! If you don't give a damn then it doesn't matter!

 

[asthedayends00]

If it was a certain situation that caused that depression a few years ago then that terrible part you were in won't come back unless you have another terrible life situation. If it's your brain chemistry and has happened all your life then in due time it'll come back.

 

[Obliviate]

If it was a certain situation that caused that depression a few years ago then that terrible part you were in won't come back unless you have another terrible life situation. If it's your brain chemistry and has happened all your life then in due time it'll come back.

I actually did think about this many times. But see that's the thing, I don't want to have to rely on just horrible conditions. I would like my last time here to be somewhat steady. You know how apparently a lot of souls wait till they are somewhat safe and calm from being in traumatic situations to finally let go? I don't want to die in stressful conditions and push my brain in that way. I'd like to go in peace but in order to do so I have to manipulate my brain chemistry to be able to do daily mundane tasks to keep that peace. It's incredibly complicated. Something I do is watch cases/events around the word which yeah helps but then I have to quickly snap back to go to work.

I did have some things happen after that but the effect was not the same. For example before, I was focused on CTB and did a bunch of research everyday and was focusing I even conducted many trials on the inert gas method exit bag when I was in that deep dark mindset. It was the first time I joined SS here. I was focused and now my brain is too fried and I just am being lazy eh I'll do it later eh I need to be in the mood for it. But I'm pushing it off so much where at this rate I'll never be in "mood" unless it is forced upon me AKA bad traumatic event which I'd like to avoid. But I find myself worrying about mundane things too much like credit cards/bills/work/health etc. I'm just exhausted on every end.

 

[Gangrel]

self isolation always gets me into a bad mood personally, fighting with people i love, self sabotage...

 

[asthedayends00]

I actually did think about this many times. But see that's the thing, I don't want to have to rely on just horrible conditions. I would like my last time here to be somewhat steady. You know how apparently a lot of souls wait till they are somewhat safe and calm from being in traumatic situations to finally let go? I don't want to die in stressful conditions and push my brain in that way. I'd like to go in peace but in order to do so I have to manipulate my brain chemistry to be able to do daily mundane tasks to keep that peace. It's incredibly complicated. Something I do is watch cases/events around the word which yeah helps but then I have to quickly snap back to go to work.

I did have some things happen after that but the effect was not the same. For example before, I was focused on CTB and did a bunch of research everyday and was focusing I even conducted many trials on the inert gas method exit bag when I was in that deep dark mindset. It was the first time I joined SS here. I was focused and now my brain is too fried and I just am being lazy eh I'll do it later eh I need to be in the mood for it. But I'm pushing it off so much where at this rate I'll never be in "mood" unless it is forced upon me AKA bad traumatic event which I'd like to avoid. But I find myself worrying about mundane things too much like credit cards/bills/work/health etc. I'm just exhausted on every end.

It's almost like a honeymoon phase in a relationship. Or manic type of planning… you can do it and get lost in it thinking that you'll end up actually going through.. in reality it's much harder actually doing the act.

If you can't do it if you're in the right mood, I question if you really want to ctb. We all wish we were off this earth but deep down do you truly care/want to take your own life.

 

[Obliviate]

self isolation always gets me into a bad mood personally, fighting with people i love, self sabotage...

Definitely. Problem is staying that way. I already self isolate like crazy. My family members are a driving part of my CTB so we always get into fights here and there but then you're forced to "move on". My cats man. The only pieces of happiness. Literally. If I did not have cats. It would be INCREDIBLY easy to CTB. Wouldn't even have to think twice about it. My cats give me the happy moments. Then I forget. Then I remember. Then I forget. Cycle.

It's almost like a honeymoon phase in a relationship. Or manic type of planning… you can do it and get lost in it thinking that you'll end up actually going through.. in reality it's much harder actually doing the act.

If you can't do it if you're in the right mood, I question if you really want to ctb. We all wish we were off this earth but deep down do you truly care/want to take your own life.

I don't think anyone actually wants to go through with the actual ACT. I think we all wish we could live in a better world and what a waste of a life it is. We all mourn the dreams and aspirations that have plummeted to their deaths and we wish to follow behind them.

I don't have a choice. I definitely don't see a future in this world for me. Do I want to CTB? yes and no. I'll miss my cats. My anchor is them. I hate everyone else. Except animals ofcourse. My brain forces myself to get distracted or be happy it's a way to protect me so I can continue to pay bills etc.

Does anyone else have any other methods they suggest?

If I do not Ctb, I will end up in jail.