outofthisworld2
Member
- Jan 16, 2026
- 5
I am very close to my mom, she is my best friend, the person I love most in this world and the only reason I have not yet exited this world (and also the reason my past attempts have been so hard to commit + have failed) — and I fear I am the same to her.
She is a positive, happy person by nature and she has done everything in her power for the past 15+ years (since I first started being mentally ill) to keep me afloat.
I am afraid my passing would crush her, but at the same time, I do feel like my being alive weighs her down and tires her out in many aspects (emotionally, financially…). I feel like she is always worrying about me, observing me to make sure I'm okay, and ultimately left wondering when my next relapse will be. She and my dad have also spent a lot of money (like, thousands of dollars) on therapy and other medical bills over the years.
I am also worried about the impact my death would have on my boyfriend. We've been together for 4+ years and I love him, and I know he does too. I know my recent attempt was very hard on him and he begged me not to ever do it again because he couldn't bear to live through the fear of losing me once again.
The thing is: I don't want to live anymore. I cannot stand this life anymore. I feel like I've given it everything I had several times before already, and it's just not working out. I have been fighting for years against this pain, both physical and mental. I am tired; of fighting, of living. I want it all to stop, and I am determined to die. I am not scared of death anymore; in fact, I await it impatiently. I have a plan for in a few weeks and I just cannot wait to be done with life for good. I know I have to wait (for logistical reasons, i.e. being alone) but it's truly been hard to stay patient as I excitedly anticipate the end of this unbearable pain and emptiness I feel inside.
The only thing I feel I need to come to terms with to CTB peacefully is: how do I come to terms with the guilt of leaving my loved ones behind, when I know it will inevitable hurt them? Are there any ways I can include anything in my final preparations to ease their pain a little? Do you feel similarly? Has anything helped you dealing with similar guilt?
She is a positive, happy person by nature and she has done everything in her power for the past 15+ years (since I first started being mentally ill) to keep me afloat.
I am afraid my passing would crush her, but at the same time, I do feel like my being alive weighs her down and tires her out in many aspects (emotionally, financially…). I feel like she is always worrying about me, observing me to make sure I'm okay, and ultimately left wondering when my next relapse will be. She and my dad have also spent a lot of money (like, thousands of dollars) on therapy and other medical bills over the years.
I am also worried about the impact my death would have on my boyfriend. We've been together for 4+ years and I love him, and I know he does too. I know my recent attempt was very hard on him and he begged me not to ever do it again because he couldn't bear to live through the fear of losing me once again.
The thing is: I don't want to live anymore. I cannot stand this life anymore. I feel like I've given it everything I had several times before already, and it's just not working out. I have been fighting for years against this pain, both physical and mental. I am tired; of fighting, of living. I want it all to stop, and I am determined to die. I am not scared of death anymore; in fact, I await it impatiently. I have a plan for in a few weeks and I just cannot wait to be done with life for good. I know I have to wait (for logistical reasons, i.e. being alone) but it's truly been hard to stay patient as I excitedly anticipate the end of this unbearable pain and emptiness I feel inside.
The only thing I feel I need to come to terms with to CTB peacefully is: how do I come to terms with the guilt of leaving my loved ones behind, when I know it will inevitable hurt them? Are there any ways I can include anything in my final preparations to ease their pain a little? Do you feel similarly? Has anything helped you dealing with similar guilt?
